Programmed To Obey | Hypnotic Conditioning

I have been recently diagnosed with a mental health issue and I have been trying to deal with it on my own .I think that it is not the best choice for me and I am curious about how you are dealing with this situation that you are so confident in posting and that is a good thing for you then you be you.

Content Warning for Mental Health Discussion

First, I’m very happy that you’ve decided to reach out to someone about this topic, as it can feel very alienating to do so, and to actively declare that you’re struggling with this. Even further, I’m honored that the person you chose to ask about this is me. I’ll do my best to help.

I suspect that I might be in a similar situation to you. I was diagnosed with ADHD and Autism long after my childhood unlike some others, and so I grew up with the idea drilled into my head that I was “normal”, while just being a little different from the other kids. 

I would constantly have kids and adults alike get angry at and yell at me for reasons I didn’t understand, would be called rude or condescending or feel stupid for not understanding things that others seemed to easily. I would find it magical how other people would be able to just do things without issue, and have the only advice given to me to “just do it”. I’d be called lazy and scatterbrained and weird. Because I was supposed to be “normal”, it gave me the impression over time that something about me was just fundamentally wrong. Like I was broken.

The realization of me not being normal, that there might be something defined that actually explains all of these struggles was both enlightening and somewhat soul-crushing at first. It was nice to have an explanation after all of this time, but it felt at first like it reinforced the idea of me being “broken”. I was supposed to be “normal”, and now I’m not. Thinking back to my childhood (which was largely hard to remember for reasons I didn’t question at the time), every small wisp of a memory I would see now through this new lens. Every nice interaction was treated with paranoia, wondering what the person thought of me. Feeling vindictive towards how I was treated, feeling angry at my parents for insisting that I was normal, feeling everything tainted by this realization. I was angry at the world for “making” me this way.

I already had a strong sense of shame and self-hatred, and this only fed the flame of it. However, as time passed and I was able to reflect on it more, me learning about this has only served to help me. The first thing that is important to note is that neurodivergence is not an inherent good or an inherent bad. There are some things that concretely affect your every day life negatively, there are aspects of it that are occasionally useful, and the are things that feel wrong, but only under a societal context.

One of the things I’ve thankful about is having this realization lead me learning about the Social Model of Disability. It’s one of a few, but the simple concept is this: imagine there is a world identical to ours, except that the majority of people had the common grouping of symptoms one would associate with autism. If someone considered normal in our world was placed into that one, they would then be the one that is considered to have a “mental illness”, and there would be no name for autism because it would simply be normal. Architecture and lighting and social traditions and interactions would all accommodate those with what we call autism, and so it would be far easier to navigate the world because it was made for you.

While there are absolutely concrete struggles with autism, with ADHD, with bipolar, with BPD, with schizophrenia, they are made harder by the fact that the world isn’t built for us. There are symptoms and aspects of all of those that are only struggles because “normal” people don’t have them and don’t need to think about or accommodate them. That’s to say, you are not “fundamentally broken”. You are just different, and that can cause friction with a world that functions largely off of fitting in. You are okay, and you are not broken.

Specific to ADHD and other ones with Executive Dysfunction, it’s important to note that “productivity” is not some inherent human good. Capitalism values productivity highly, and that has bled into our culture, but humans are not robots and we were not built to simply produce. Take days where you force yourself to do nothing. If you constantly just think about needing to do something, then you won’t be able to get that relaxation you need to have the energy to do it. You’re kinda stalling yourself out. I still get like this sometimes, but it’s easier to recgonize when you’re doing it the more you’re aware. 

Again, though, while many of these problems are due to just the society we live in, there are concrete issues you need to deal with, ones that would still be problems in that fictional world where everyone has what you do. Sensory issues and depressive mood swings and executive dysfunction are not something you can just will away, and they are things that you need to deal with. However, you still had to deal with those before. Now, you have a name for it. It’s a target, and something defined that you can work on now that it’s no longer some abstract struggle and has a name and known information around it.

And, to reiterate, you are not some fundamentally different person now that you have learned this information. You simply have a name for it now. That is exclusively helpful for you, so long as you don’t fall into the pitfall that I did for a while, which is “learned helplessness”. For a good while, this realization made it feel like I was destined to fail, to never succeed, and to always be different and alienated from others. The truth is that there will always, always be people that will understand and support you. 

In my humble opinion, it’s best to avoid online semi-closed off communities that center exclusively around these neurodivergent struggles. While they’re well intentioned, what I’ve found is that it slowly becomes a place that functions like a crab in a bucket, everyone sort of convincing themselves that they will never grow beyond their struggles, and that any progress they make is in spite of them and not alongside them. In a more open, diluted website like Tumblr it might be better, but I haven’t participated much so I can’t tell you for sure.

It’s best to find communities that have people that struggle with the same things, but function as a general community of people rather than focusing just around that topic. Not only do friendships grow stronger that way, learning more about the person and being able to relate your struggles as well as count the small differences, but it enforces the idea that while this is a significant part of yourself, that it is only a part. It does not define you entirely, it is a texture to your mind. Important, but not everything.

The most important parts of growing as a person alongside your neurodivergence is both to accept it and to try your best to love yourself. Shame is a strong social motivator and it gets instilled into you early. My bullied and the uncompassionate angry adults that harshly corrected me started to form their own sort of critic in my mind, one that would always comment on what I’m doing without anyone else even needing to anymore. This is somewhat present in everyone, but it can turn nasty if it’s too strong and turns into self-hatred like it did with me.

The solution, for me, is to form a new voice in your head, one of rationality and self-forgiveness. I envision is as an owl, but most people simply feel it as an abstract voice. It talks over your negative feelings, over your self critic, reminding you that you are not worthless or broken. Reminding you of the simple facts, things you should keep in mind, even if you don’t feel them right now. As you grow and slowly change, that voice becomes more solidified. It doesn’t override or discount your feelings, but accepts them and tries to remind yourself of what’s true and what’s important.

It’s okay to feel bad, and you keep stay rational at the same time. You can forgive yourself even while you are doing something you perceive as wrong. Failure is the most important part of self-improvement, it could not happen without it. Real, helpful change happens slowly and systematically. You choose every day to do small things that help you, and sometimes fall off the horse entirely before getting back on. Change is not linear, it is not easy, and it is not fast, but it is very, very possible. The key is failure, acceptance, and forgiving yourself for failing and finding it hard to accept yourself.

Finding people that love you for you is extremely helpful, so while communities can have problems, I do highly suggest it. Even a few close friends or even just allies that understand you can make such a big difference. Even something private like a diary or journal or a private blog helps. Turning your feelings into words has some sort of effect. If people could see some of the things I’ve written down in my journal, they’d be extremely concerned for me. It’s a place that lets you get out your worst thoughts.

Lastly, understand that while some mental illnesses are concrete in their existence, others are simply names we give to a common grouping of symptoms. Both Autism and ADHD are just that, and they can potentially have multiple different sources or a combination of them, and also have many different individual nuances. Keep your ears perked to new ideas and always be willing to try them, it might take 100 before you find 1 that works, but every single one makes it a little bit easier.

And remember, you are so, so deserving of love. You are wonderful and complex and unique, while still close enough to others to resonate with them. You deserve happiness and contentment and joy and self-acceptance. You need to remember this, as hard as it is to feel it. You deserve so much love. 

Those are all of my thoughts for now. My PC crashed after typing about 15 paragraphs of this and it didn’t save because it’s a response to an ask, so I dunno how good this rewritten version is or if I covered everything the first did. So, apologies if I missed anything.

Making a sub record themself while repeating a mantra, so I can hear them as their minds break.

At first, they'd start out pretty awake, repeating without any sort of cadence or rythm. That would soon settle in however, as they slowly familiarize themselves with the phrase that they're uttering over and over.

The more they would repeat, the more that rythm would shift, growing from excited to monotone as the words wash over them, smoothing out any other thoughts in their pretty little head. All that would remain would be a blank toy, only able to speak their one phrase.

After a while, though, even that monotony would subside. Their brains would grow too blank to have any sense of timing, and the words would turn to gibberish. They'd sit there, drooling and repeating, their once well remembered phrase turning into nothing more than a series of moans and grunts. They'd be completely hypnotized, waiting for new instructions to fill that empty void they call a head.

The most fulfilling aspect of all this repetition is I get to hear every part of the process, as many times as i want. The slow shifts in their demeanor, the exact moments where they drop deeper, the ways each word affects them.

And I can do this with multiple phrases, in order to see which words bring them the deepest in the quiclest ammount of time, my experiments shaping them into a blank little toy for me to use~

(oh and hearing subs going blank is really adorable so I'd have tons of recordings of adorable behaviour)

nothing to say, Just Do It!

Cage check day. Show Master. Be good and obey

this spiral works.

hypno.nimja.com

Spiral Words - Nimja Hypnosis

A spiral shape, highlighting the words hiding behind.

You are just a my rubber drone

it does, do you?

You're finding you can no longer resist.

Human Emulation Report

I've had a thing for rubber, since the first time a playmate asked me if I'd like to try one of his shirts as we did a bondage scene, way back in the before times of 1995. Catsuits, shirts, pants, open-crotch singlets, jocks were all acquired and worn, even under normie clothes at work. During the mid-life reset, I went without for several years, as what I had wore out and I didn't have the money to replace.

A couple years ago, Sir and I were a a second-hand shop that benefited an autistic man and his family, and I bought an Excel wetsuit. Wearing that reawakened my drone/programming interests that had also been put on hold while ending my relationship {hardly the way to describe ending 18+ years of my life. Even without the legal papers, it was a divorce.}, structuring and building my new relationship with Sir, then moving to Seattle.

I got a cheap smoothskin suit off of Ebay, and started wearing that to my cheese-demo gig, both to keep warm while standing by the cooler case, and to feel "droned" while at work. I bought a couple more Excel wetsuits, to add to the mix, and to replace the $10 suit that was actually a bit short, and had started to separate at some of the waist seams. I worked at continuing what programming I had from a programmer on MALEBOTS who had disappeared.

This year, while roaming Tumblr, I came across

Drone DNK-070121

@dnk-070121

and its report of programming and conversion, with a its resources, provided a shot of inspiration, and files to which I could listen. I truly jump-started my programming/brainwashing efforts. Listening to some of the files it listed gave me a boost in what I had, and helped me find other files that fit my needs and brain-functions.

Things got put on hold a bit in late summer, while I focused on work tasks while my team was going through staff changes, and, this may sound weird, but also stalled by the customizing/rebuild of my chastity cage/device. It was as if I couldn't do programming while I was combining 2 of my devices into one, and getting the new, improved device to actually fit and work with my body.

I suppose I've been wearing one so long, that being in it combined with what programming I had, to the extent that I couldn't effectively continue without it. Now that it is successfully rebuilt, and can be worn permanently without injury, I have aggressively pursued my programming.

I started off with the dronepuppy files that donk 070121 had used. Then I found a post about becoming a silver cyborg from WarpMyMInd, which lead to Tenacious's "Drone_Daily_Brainwashing" files. Even with the scripts, I was concerned about using the orgasm-denial version, because I didn't want to be trapped. After a few weeks of listening to the v.2, non-orgasm-denial version, I made the jump. I've jerked off/fantasized about chastity/cock-control for over a decade, and I'd been wearing a chastity cage almost daily for a decade as well. It also seemed a useful way to test the progress of my mental conditioning/conversion.

Within days, I noticed changes. I still don't go into a blank "trance", but I noticed a marked change in my thoughts and behavior. Drone_Daily_Brainwashing has, literally, changed my mind. I am much more able to function productively during the day, due to less over-thinking/living in my thoughts, mostly because I have fewer thoughts to overthink.

Wearing wetsuits as "droneskins" has become among an obsession,as well as fetish. I feel/think/act as a drone while skinned. As drone has noted in a previous post, I've added wearing rubber yard gloves to the skin, and now I don't feel complete when not wearing them. It takes effort to not get skinned on days when I'm just doing errands or home tasks.

That is another change. The intensity/frequency of feeling aroused/pleasured/correct/complete while skinned/installed in a droneskin has increased geometrically the last coupe of weeks. I can no longer imagine living/existing without being droneskinned/booted/gloved. When it is not appropriate or efficient to be booted or gloved, my programming makes the exception. I can function without them, but I notice the lack of skin and... lack of dronestate/dronemind.

There are times during my workday, when I find myself with a hand under my work shirt or down my jeans, stroking my droneskin. Not trying to get an erection, both because I'm caged, and because getting off is being erased from my mind by the brainwashing, and because I'm not trying to get hard, just to be aroused and focused/efficient from being focused on my droneskin. Being SEALED/SECURED/CONTROLLED/PROGRAMMED, feeling SEALED/SECURED/CONTROLLED/PROGRAMMED enables me to function more thoughtlessly/more efficiently/more focused on whatever I'm doing.

Around the house, doing house tasks has also become more automatic. Sir has started to notice that there is less talk about doing tasks/more... tasks being done, just doing of tasks and chores. Good boys get things done. Good drones function efficiently and well. Thinking like this has become more a part of my thinking, with a corresponding decrease in over-thinking/thinking about getting things done. Sir still doesn't really "get" the drone thing, but He accepts it and what I'm doing.

A pair of spirals for a pair of eyes.

Eyes that are looking deep into yours

That draw your attention into them

That make them so hard to look away

Hard to do anything else

Do anything but watch deep into the pair of spirals

A pair of spirals for a pair of eyes

New Drone video. Password: Machine