Hauntedcloudtheorist - Hauntedcloudtheorist

"I can't really feel happy without grief whispering over my shoulder"

I HOPE LOVING ME ISN’T THE HARDEST THING ANYONE HAS TO DO.

jenny slate // bernhard schlink // unknown // heather havrilesky // sue zhao // i.b. vyache // fatima aamer bilal // anne carson // bylthe baird // alice notley // jody chan // georges bataille // frank o'hara // emily palermo

Anger

I had a breakdown again earlier today.

Like something hot and red and ugly and just so much hatred with no target to shoot it on. For some reason I thought is this how Jason Todd had felt? Or maybe is this how Bruce Wayne felt once he grew up and realized how on earth does people like Joe Chill can get away with so little and he in that one night, lost everything he knew?

With so much hatred and anger and just this huge hole in your heart that felt more like it was ripped away from you rather than just being taken? Is this how being angry at the world feels like? Angry at everything that has happened? Is this how craving for vengeance feels like?

I remember being told that revenge has a smell and it is sweet, and almost dizzying like an aphrodisiac.

I remember clutching the front of my shirt and felt how stuck my scream felt in my throat and I can’t just scream it out with my brother across the hallway and my sister downstairs.

I can’t do this, I can’t keep this in, I can’t keep on doing this.

I remember a time we were told that the whole family has anger issues.

Dad is a bomb, ticking and ticking with the time always border lining on 0 every time he tries to pushes us too far to the edge and he seems eager for us to push him back in retaliation.

Mom keeps it in until something bad & ugly & stupid & disrespectful happens from us, and there comes the screams and the glares and the disappointment.

My brother’s anger is physical, he hits you and pulls in some punches just to make you hurt the same way he does.

My sister’s anger is physical as well, but in the way it’s childish because still, she is still a child.

More often than not, her anger pushes dad’s clock to 0 as well and that will sometimes reign in Mom’s disappointment and if it isn’t her pushing it to explode, it will be my brother’s idea of rebellious retaliation.

And I’ll stand there.

Just a soldier, standing still in the minefield as the shots keep flying and the bombs kept giving way.

Silence become my defense as it was never really my weapon.

And growing up with the understanding how much power and destruction a bomb can hold, well I know how dangerous a wrath’s path can be.

So, I reign it in. So, I push every single pure, pure anger that threatens to boil to the surface.

My grief sometimes overcome my anger I think, enough so that I forgot that I can be angry sometimes.

My anger, I think, is physical as well.

My anger, I think, is the opposite of who I fights to become.

My anger, I think, is not a bomb, or a silent glare or a bursting scream.

My anger creeps in, my knuckles throb with every poison that rushes through my vein.

I don’t get angry, I don’t, I won’t, I never.

I don’t get angry because if I do, I don’t know how I’ll face the aftermath of it.

I can feel it, when it pulses, when it tries to fight through the restraints. I can feel it when my veins are filled with adrenaline and the want, the need to just, hurt. I can feel it and I know it’s there ‘because I can feel my eyes harden, I can feel my legs muscle constrict with the will to run towards the anger itself, I can feel my grip tightens around on itself ‘because I want to hit and punch and injure and hurt, hurt, hurt.

And I buries it in.

I learn to let out the insults because it soothes the fire but if you’ve been trapping the flames in an oxygen cavity and keep adding to it without ever giving it a chance to see the light of day, a verbal fight does little to calm it.

I learn that after letting out the insults, to give it time, time to turn it into guilt and grief instead.

Dr K thinks that what I’m doing might as well be the equivalent of driving a brake-less car down the hill only to run into an explosion then crashes down into the ocean with nowhere to escape out of the car.

Like letting in the adrenaline rushes through you only to trap everything in and let it consumes you.

I’ve told her that the analogy was exaggerative, I think.

I’ve crashed at the moment now.

I think it’s ironic that I used the rain and the sound of the crashing waves to calm me down.

I hate being angry.

I hate it because it isn’t me but it proves that it’s a primal instinct of mine when I didn’t bother with my mask.

All of us have masks.

I’ve seen Dad used it around his colleagues or when the topic of Grandpa comes up or when Grandma was talking about her time just around the corner.

I’ve seen Mom used it around her ‘friends’, true or not, and I’ve seen it around us when she’s far too tired and she’s far too aware of her greying hair.

I’ve seen my brother using it the most around us, never being able to settle into his skin even with those who he should trust the most.

I’ve seen it with my sister, the way she brushes off any signs of emotional vulnerability other than irritation ‘because she thought everybody would use it as a weapon against her intelligence.

I’ve seen it in the mirror of the 5-star bathroom at school, the one everybody goes to because it’s the only ones that works. Most of the time, anyways.

I’ve seen it on my friends and I’ve seen it crumbles in the anticipation of days leading up to what was the most important event of our lives as high school students back then.

Someone asked me, if I’ve cried it yet, implying if I’ve succumbed to the world-heavy pressure of the future yet. If I’ve sat down and bawled my eyes out as I realized how short on time we always seemed.

I told them, no.

There are a few strays of tears I’ve let past in the days leading up to it but I know if I sat down properly and let it out – I don’t know how much it’ll take for me to stand up again. Or if I’m ever strong enough for it anyways.

I hate grief.

And I hate my anger even more.

And as my vision blurs with the tears in my eyes that I won’t let out, and my knuckles are white as I grip the box holding in the razors tightly – I wish, I wish I never knew how safe and suffocating a mask can feel.  

listen I don’t discriminate... friends to lovers, enemies to lovers, enemies to friends to lovers, friends to enemies to lovers, as long as it ends in lovers i’m down with it all babey

You can donate to the Palestine Children's Relief Fund for as little as $1.00.

There is a fee you can choose to apply to cover processing.

Which if you choose to do leaves you with a total of ~$1.35 (USD) depending on the type of card you have.

PCRF has a score of 97% on Charity Navigator.

Adults and children alike are currently dying in Palestine due to starvation. (World Health Organization Link)

The Gaza Strip is one of two places in the entire world that is categorized as Phase 5 (the highest phase) on the Integrated Food Security Phase Classification scale.

So even if you think it isn't enough, remember that donating even as little as $1.35 helps! It's $1.35 they wouldn't have had otherwise. So donate if you can. 🇵🇸

currently at €15 / €60, 000 (02/09/24)

LOW FUNDS

please donate if you can! please boost & reblog!

Huda and Her Family's Story: Struggling Under Bombardment and a Call for Help

Huda and her family from Gaza have endured a devastating ordeal since the war began on October 7, 2023. In the midst of this chaos, they have faced unimaginable hardship.

On October 14, their home was bombed, resulting in the tragic loss of three beloved family members: Huda's 17-year-old sister, her 8-year-old nephew, and her 19-year-old cousin. Huda’s father was seriously injured and requires urgent surgery outside Gaza, and other family members were also injured.

This nightmare not only involved the loss of loved ones but also the destruction of their home, supermarket, and car. Following this devastation, they have been displaced to a dangerous area near the sea, lacking essential resources. They live daily under the threat of bombings and artillery, with severe shortages of food, water, and medical supplies.

Today, Huda and her family urgently need our support to help them leave Gaza and find safety. We are calling on you to participate in a fundraising campaign to provide them with the resources necessary to escape Gaza. Every contribution, no matter how small, can make a significant difference in the lives of this family who has lost everything.

Let us come together to assist Huda and her family in securing the hope and resources they need for safety. Donate today and be a part of this humanitarian story.

€5 raised of €60,000 target

@huda-yousef22

gofundme.com

Donate to Support Our Family's Evacuation from Gaza to Safety, organised by Sami Mohammed

I am Huda from Gaza. The war began on October 7, 2023. On the sevent… Sami Mohammed needs your support for Support Our Family's Evacuation f

Sorry for the mention if you can share

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Since I've seen a number of people shocked about the Palestinian kids kept in Israeli prisons, here's more. I suggest you read about it more and spread the truth.

Ahmad manasra was arrested in 2015, after he was run over by Israeli soldiers and his cousin who was walking with him killed. He has been kept in solitary confinement since November 2021. He started showing signs of mental disorders as well as schizophrenia due to the torture he endured by the IOF. Read about our children who are getting tortured and abused in Israeli military prisons. They are not criminals, freedom to all of them.

Soldiers versus children, yet the world sides with soldiers! This is pre-OCT 7th! A western backed, democratically elected government with one - if not THE strongest army in the world! I am a mother my heart skips beats when I look at their faces. These could be my children or your children. These are our children! Enough! This occupation must end now! This madness must end now!

the agony it brings me to be a carlos fan AND a logan fan amidst this season is killing me. cuz i want to see both of them on the grid next year PLEASE

sometimes i wonder why i chose to be a ferrari and williams supporter

Life Update: Balances & Sister-in-Law

Dear dearest friends,

I would like to extend my deepest gratitude to the people who helped me this past month, about my situation. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.❤️❤️🙇‍♀️🙇‍♀️

A lot of you may not know me, but I really appreciate the sweet messages and encouragement that I received. And to some I deeply apologize if I do not respond, to those who become kinda hostile to me towards the situation. Thank you for the reblogs/repost and tagging your friends in spreading my post. Thank you very much. And I am glad that I made friends with most of you as well. You are a life’s blessing 💝💝🙏🙏

I hope everyone is doing alright, despite the world facing the crisis because of Covid-19. Sadly, I am one of those who is greatly affected. Even got infected but I survived. A lost a stable job several months ago and my savings has been drained. I was a working student before in Japan(paying for my tuition & supporting my family), went back home to my homecountry. Because life has been sad to me upon my stay there. Got a job, but the company decided to do retrenchment several months ago, and I was one of the unfortunate employees.

It’s been a month since I posted my letter: Reaching out to you  And like 2 weeks since my second letter: Notice of Eviction & Rescue Thank you for those who helped me. And for the people who is new to this new Letter of mine, please if you have the time. I hope you understand. I know some of you followed me, and as promised I will give update. I have been semi-active in tumblr for these past 2 weeks. Because luckily I was able to get a part-time job but it is only for 2 weeks, until 1st week of March. I worked like 16 hours a day, it is an underpaid job $15. If I work like 8 hours I get a pay of like $7-8/day. In my country you are not paid by hour but by day. Most of the employers though because of cost cutting is not following the standard guidelines of pay stated by our government. And no insurances/benefits. It is better than no job at all, it helps me sustain our daily needs - human & cat food.  I currently live alone. With a dog and many adopted stray cats. Can’t live them dying in the streets. And they are my Furry family. They help me cope with my depression and all.🐱🐶

With the help of everyone’s donation a month has passed I was able to pay for my August 2020 rent. And upon receiving the Notice of Eviction Last Month, I was able to pay the balance from September 2020 to February of this year. Below is the Acknowledgement of Rental Payment, and notarized by the owner.

(Some information is blurred out for privacy, thank you for understanding).

Another update regarding my Electricity Bill I got a new one like 2 weeks ago stating my latest balance. My deepest gratitude for those who donated last time as I was able to pay a partial amount of $250. This is the new latest balance that I need to settle. Sadly, despite the partial payment. I do not have electricity at home now for 3 days now. My kind neighbor lets me connect to their line temporarily. I needed to settle a balance of $1,150(depending on the exchange rate) 😿😿

For the Water Bill, I was able to settle a partial balance of $175 and signed a promisory note. But also needs to be settled soon. As of the moment the amount that needs to be settled is $680(depending on the exchange rate).

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As for my cat Blackie, he is back under my care now and his legs are healed. Thank goodness.🙏🙏 his previous photo(injured photo), is on my first Letter.

I also have a new adopted Cat, and brought him/her home. Still a kitten I will upload the photo on my KoFi. I also uploaded a family of black stray cats that I usually feed at night.

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I am also continuing my every 2 weeks session for my counseling & therapy. I also have to had a major haircut, due to hairloss caused by my extreme pulling - Trichotillomania & stress. I already have a bald spots so it needs to be cut. Goodbye Long Hair - I am loosing my self-confidence. I will just upload the photos on my KoFi. I am also continuing my job applications nonstop, I got interviews but nobody is still calling back to me.

As for my Sister-in-Law & nieces they will be staying with me starting next week. For 2 weeks, I guess. The young ones are still devastated of the situation. I know I have an emotional, mental issues. But I will try my best to help and support them as much as I can.🙏🙏🙏🙏 I am still also paying for the Bank Loan. And they are calling me for updates, I missed a lot of payments for 3 months now. I will try my best to settle it. I still have a long way to go. I hope to get a permanent job soon. $15,000 is killing me. It is still big.🙏🙏🙏🙏 and the person responsible for her accident is already in Jail.

I am still trying to hold-on and be strong to everything. So please….I hope everyone understands my simple plea. No negativities please. And for my long-time friends here in tumblr and who I consider now like my own brothers and sisters, thank you for staying with me. I love you all so much. I deeply ask of you for your patience, understanding and please help me by boosting/reblogging/reposting or donating. I thank you everyone from the bottom of my heart. God Bless you all.

  FOR DONATION PLEASE CLICK 👉👉HERE👈👈 you can also follow me on Ko-FI and Twitter  ————————————————————

For the people on my tags list please let me know if you wish to be removed by sending me a DM. I aplogize in advance. Thank you so much. 🙇‍♀️🙇🙇‍♀️🙇 hugs to you. Please share and reblog. And make this viral. If I double tagged you here, please bear with me. Thank you for understanding. I do not respond quickly, please understand that I might possibly sleeping because of the medicine or extremely exhausted. Thank you. @margaretheavesasigh @kurisutythehero @sharinalein @measurelessdreamer @lemondrop313 @thenotoriousscuttlecliff @calamitysong @6y9brows @timotaychalamet @bebemoon @prinnay @bryd-one-brere @nol-nol @call-of-the-ocean @emelinelove @cosmiccangst @impossiblebeararcade @spacesourcx @hermytheskrub @feelikeimglued @whatamidoingwithmylifeman @hauntedcloudtheorist @danathebestintern @miceoutline43 @underprivilegedcactus @kuinshi @mattygra @lemonadeswift @grantschangelives @sassytravelerstudent @monada43 @lethxl0ve @starstruckeaglepastagoop @motherofallfuckingbombs @psycotheorygirl @grrlboss-azula @that-aro-asshat @lizluvscupcakes @baronmenor @roller-rink-haruno @smoarchok @moondeliight @starkcontrasts @theminiestofmins @animelover7234 @sharingjoys @notyouraveragegirl1 @jbb305​ @professor-meh​ 

in light of a four day ceasefire in Gaza being agreed upon, i am once again asking you all not to lose sight of the big picture. Biden and the Israeli Government are trying to frame this as a major democratic victory and as a favor respectively. they have no intention of a total ceasefire. they have no intention of stopping their genocide. remember - a ceasefire is the very first step. it’s not even the bare minimum.

the absolute bare minimum in this situation is 1) a complete ceasefire and immediate humanitarian aid in Gaza, 2) complete halt of all military foreign aid to the Israeli government, 3) the Israeli government being prosecuted for its war crimes in the International Criminal Court, and 4) land back and reparations for the Palestinian people. free Palestine means free Palestine, not just temporarily stop carpet bombing Palestine.

a temporary ceasefire is something, but it’s not even close to the end goal. we cannot let up pressure when things seem to be looking up. keep protesting, boycotting, spreading awareness, contacting politicians, etcetera. keep your eyes on Gaza. free Palestine.