No Thoughts, Just This Dress

What keeps you by my side?

Levi x reader

Canon world

Postwar levi

Fluff

His back resting on the headboard of his bed, generated an uncomfortable burning, not as much as in the first days of recovery that he transitioned after the end of the war.

this is the end? To continue living, was it my prize as a warrior? Or was it a punishment for the lives I took?

He thought more than once.

His return to Paradise was immediately denied due to his conditions. He would have to stay at Marley until his physical health improved.

They also said that he should improve psychologically from war damage, like all soldiers. In fact, Marley had an advanced psychological rehabilitation system, due to his years of military experience.

And what else could he do?

All he had was his memories and the guilt of dying on purpose. He couldn't do that to the soldiers who died for the freedom. He couldn't give himself up to the arms of death voluntarily, he didn't deserve it.

What kept him slightly hopeful?

Sure, you.

His fellow recruit who had been around since almost the beginning. Who had loved Erwin as much as he had. Who had stayed by his side. The only one who bet on Levi's full recovery. He still didn't understand the source of your loyalty.

"The water is really hot here" You said coming out of the bathroom with a towel on your head. The steam confirmed the words previously said by you.

Your bandages were clean white. They were new.

Your red, puffy eyes.

You also suffered from remorse. Your body scars reminded you of your internal injuries. Every time you saw those marks on your back, you remembered how your partner was stepped on by that Titan. How your family collapsed like your house. How you had to kill comrades with your bare hands.

Maybe that made you stay with him. Both understood the pain of so many years not knowing what was around them, and the despair of a promising future for the inhabitants within the walls.

"Come, now it's your turn" You said approaching with a smile and eyes wrinkled by the grimace. "You must be suffering from the dirt", you let out a laugh.

After the war ended, in addition to staying with him, you decided to take charge of his care to be as far away as possible from proudly Marlean citizens whose remorse for the island's demons was still burning like the first day. You watched to see if the doctors and nurses who visited them made any suspicious moves, but nothing ever happened.

That's why there you were, holding tightly to your ex-captain from his armpits, to be able to place him in his wheelchair.

Who would have thought, right? Mankind's strongest soldier, depending on the kindness of another female soldier to sit on a chair and be bathed.

You bathed him and disinfected his wounds. Job that first belonged to the nurses, but after the critical moment, it became yours.

And you had focused so much on that that you sometimes forgot you were also a recognized heroine for the recovery of peace.

The image in his eyes was quite absurd. Levi without being able to do anything, and you, testing all your physical strength trained for years, to be able to lift him, hold him in the air, and move the wheelchair with your foot to be able to position it in a more comfortable place.

It looked like it wasn't an easy job, but Levi knew you wouldn't say anything.

But he just shut up and ate his embarrassment, he had no choice. Until that moment.

"You know? This is useless" He said after almost falling out of your arms because of your mistake "Call the doctors and go back to your house, to Paradise"

His voice was like an angry old man. The first thing you thought was that you were the useless one, you couldn't think if there would be any problem with the help itself.

"You're as much a warrior as I am damn, you can't spend your days of freedom helping someone you don't owe anything to, I'm not your fucking captain anymore!"

Your face changed, from a surprised one to a serious one. You continued with your task, regardless of the words of your former captain.

"Come on, what is it that keeps you by my side? If we both know that there is no future for me in this new life". He said almost resignedly, with sadness never before taught by him. Over time, Levi felt that he could open up a little more, he felt you were more of a partner.

You took him to the bathroom, obstinate to fulfill your task. "You no longer owe me anything, you have done your duty".

"I never minded serving you, Levi." You finally spoke. You started by undoing the top button of his shirt, but he wouldn't let you. You looked at him scolding him.

"Levi" you sighed deeply "Who do you have in your life inside the walls?" He didn't say anything, looking down in pain "Me. Not even your recruits, because they don't know you from before not knowing about life outside of Paradise, they don't know you before hope. They don't know Mike, Hange, Petra. They don't know Erwin. We do. We're all we have left, and I can't afford to lose another memory. I already told you on our previous visit to Marley, let's be each other's reason for living."

Hello! I’m sending this to various accounts: At ch132, it seems that Hange wasn’t planning to say goodbye to Levi, why do you think Hange would do that and how do you think Levi would react if Hange actually would’ve gone without saying goodbye? Do you think Hange underestimate their bond or was a way to protect both of them? Also, do you think the final plane was a wink to Hange or was a way to portrait their fallen comrades? If you took the time to answer this question, thank you very much <3

Hello!!

Thanks for the ask! Let's dig into your heartbreaking questions... And sorry not sorry it sort of became a whole meta (why I am like this haha)

1. It seems Hange wasn't planning to say goodbye to Levi, why do you think Hange would do that?

Goodbyes of beloved ones are always heartbreaking in AOT. But some are just too much of a wreck to face them without feeling like nearly falling apart...

We know Hanji almost always wore their feelings on their sleeves, revealed much through their eye(s). I think Hanji was feeling too much at that moment already, while at the same time having to shut their emotions down so they could keep their resolution to walk to their death unwavering. Thus, having to say farewell forever to Levi - the one who became almost a despite-this-hell-surely-you-will-be-there-tomorrow presence at her side throughout those long 10 years, and that they had risked their life to save as well as to whom she had "secretly" asked to run away with just 03 nights ago - damn... This certainly leaves someone shaking.

However, I don't think Hanji was planning on leaving without saying goodbye to Levi. Like, I surely can't imagine the words and intonation of the "See you" that Hanji used with the kids coming out of their mouth when they were dealing with Levi - that wouldn't work with them both because their relationship was very different! And also, rather than giving any comfort or feeling of proper closure, even the "See you guys later" left the kids at a loss...

More painful than this, though, is that (imo) the group were caught off guard seeing Hanji leaving, but they also saw that Levi was on their path. And then they seem to look even more shocked when Levi lets Hanji go because it's like they all expected that Levi would somehow produce some kind of miracle that would hold Hanji back...

Back to Levihan, tho, while Hanji couldn't bring themself up to say See ya to Levi, just the fact that while they were parting, Hanji asked Armin to take care of Levi shows that he was already in their mind. And, knowing each other for so long, I think Hanji knew there was no escape from facing Levi during her last moments alive...

Then, it's only in the wisp of seconds between the kids and the point where Levi stops and waits for them that Hanji figures what they both need to hear in order for them to keep her determination, and they both be somehow somewhat spared of further pain. (Unfortunately, Yams only drew Hanji's back when they turned around and saw Levi waiting for them. I wanted to see their reaction too...)

It will forever break me that Hanji cuts Levi's unspoken protests so sharp and so ready using "You understand" as their first words to stop him. Whenever I read these words, it's like time stops, and I can't help but remember Hanji's discourse in chapter 84. Mixing them up, it's like Hanji is saying, "You understand, don't you? Everyone you meet will be parted from you one day. [And now] It's my turn." But as if this wasn't heartbreaking enough already, Yams goes and adds, "I want to look as cool as I possibly can right now. So just let me go."

This just doesn't only disarm all the confrontation and arguments Hanji knows Levi was preparing to put up, but it also makes it clear that this goodbye, this parting, has such a power to hurt Hanji that they had better not even try anything anymore. And.God.This.Hurts.

Yams, why were you like this?!

2. How would Levi react if they hadn't said goodbye?

You see, imo, one of the worst things in life is losing someone without the chance of saying goodbye to them. Death is an occurrence so abrupt already! Can you imagine the immense amount of pain, hurt, and regret of you simply losing the person you've trusted with your own life for 10 years, and who knows you deeper and longer than anyone else and reciprocates the feelings, without you at least saying or expressing anything for this person in their last minutes alive??

There would be such heavy regrets in the survivor's heart...

So it's actually bittersweet to think Hanji wasn't planning on approaching Levi to say goodbye: I tried to imagine Levi just watching Hanji just waving at him from afar (like Annie to Armin) or maybe pretending he wasn't there, and I swear I can't help but laugh with a pain in my heart because no matter the situation, in my head, Levi would have never accepted that arrangement - neither from his part nor Hanji's!

Levi's pretty terrible at accepting things (especially death and defeat) passively. Which, thank Ymir, I think Yams thought as well. He made Levi - who during most of the chapter could hardly walk or stand up straight without help - muster the strength to walk those painful meters and "ambush" Hanji. Levi saw Hanji had walked from the hangar to where everyone was at the pier, and he nearly walked all the way up there too...

And man, just like Hanji had this wisp of a moment to think of a way to halt Levi's attempt of stopping her, Levi as well has just this wisps of a moment to find something to halt Hanji's deadly walk. It hurts deeply that Levi is probably aware there is nothing he can offer or do that Hanji would accept (because the only other option available would be him going in Hanji's place to fight the Colossals) but still, he attempts to try to stop Hanji.

I can't wait to see this whole sequence in the anime...!

3. Was it underestimating their bond or a way to protect them both?

By now, with this and all the other metas also answering this question, I think it's the second in our opinions! But to whoever has doubts about Hanji and Levi's bond, just reference tell them to reread chapter 132 without bias.

To sincere readers, it's impossible to look at all these panels and conclude that what they had together (romantic or not) was something ordinary...

4. Also, do you think the final plane was a wink to Hange or was a way to portrait their fallen comrades?

To me, the plane is Hange Zoë all the way to the depths of AOT angst! Especially because Onyankopon my hero is precisely looking at Levi, and Levi is making sure to have changed his hairstyle so evidently in a way that his bangs are completely out of the way of his scarred forehead and blind eye - the proofs that the fact he (and the others) could be there alive now was because Hans saved his (and their) life first...

By fulfilling his vow and helping to save humanity as his life mission, Levi was able to face all his dead comrades with heart at ease - like, letting them go because they would finally find some kind of peace. However, toward the personal 2nd chance in life he was given by Hanji when she saved him in the forest, and the 3rd chance at the plane's departure, there was nothing Levi could do about that now that Hanji was dead. Not that they would see it as "I need to pay you back", tho - but like, I wish I hadn't lost you at all, and that you were here with me.

Hence, there is nothing to do but acknowledge that despite "Everyone you meet will be parted from you one day" and that you still have to "keep moving forward", our personal responses to tragedy should be marked because "only after these events are memorialized can we move forward". And while our lives will never be the same after this, marking this occurrence with a memorial frees us to embrace the future...

...because only the living can remember the dead.

And like Mika said in chapter 07, "If I die now I won't even be able to remember you".

the worst part is i can’t even cry without being ridiculed by my mother...

i hate that im not allowed my own feelings...

i hate how she makes me feel guilty for protecting my brother

i hate how she’s cold and hot...

somebody kill me now...

Hunger Games didn’t really eat holes in my brain the way that it did for some other people but god the opening lines. The opening lines. Katniss wakes up in bed and immediately, instinctively reaches beside her, only to find the bed empty and cold. Before we even know her name – before we know literally anything about her or this world or her place in that world – we know that she loves someone. We know that she is reaching for where Prim should be, sleeping safe and warm beside her, but Prim is not there. She is not there, and her half of the bed is cold and empty. People talk about characters being “doomed by the narrative” when most of the time the character was literally just a well-foreshadowed death, but Prim WAS doomed by the narrative. It’s the very first thing we learned. It’s the most key, integral, important piece of information we’re given about everything that is about to happen: Every single choice Katniss makes is to protect her little sister, and it isn’t enough. In the end, Prim still dies. Prim was dead before the story even started. Katniss, reaching. Prim’s side of the bed was cold and empty. There is no version of this story where Prim could have been saved. Katniss, reaching. The very first thing she does in the series. She wakes, and she reaches, but Prim is already gone. THAT is how you do Doomed By The Narrative. Edit: Also it is key that there was literally nothing Katniss could have done differently. If she had not acted to save Prim, Prim would not have survived the Hunger Games. But by acting to save Prim, Katniss accidentally kicked off an entire rebellion and ultimately massively increased the amount of danger Prim was actually in. The key is that this is irrelevant. If Katniss had done literally anything differently, Prim still would have died. If Katniss had faltered or changed course at any point, Prim still would have died. There was never a point where Katniss could have changed Prim’s fate. There’s no version of this story where Prim lives to see the end of it. She’s dead before the story begins. That’s doomed by the narrative.

Hello! I’m sending this to various accounts: At ch132, it seems that Hange wasn’t planning to say goodbye to Levi, why do you think Hange would do that and how do you think Levi would react if Hange actually would’ve gone without saying goodbye? Do you think Hange underestimate their bond or was a way to protect both of them? Also, do you think the final plane was a wink to Hange or was a way to portrait their fallen comrades? If you took the time to answer this question, thank you very much <3

Hello!!

Thanks for the ask! Let's dig into your heartbreaking questions... And sorry not sorry it sort of became a whole meta (why I am like this haha)

1. It seems Hange wasn't planning to say goodbye to Levi, why do you think Hange would do that?

Goodbyes of beloved ones are always heartbreaking in AOT. But some are just too much of a wreck to face them without feeling like nearly falling apart...

We know Hanji almost always wore their feelings on their sleeves, revealed much through their eye(s). I think Hanji was feeling too much at that moment already, while at the same time having to shut their emotions down so they could keep their resolution to walk to their death unwavering. Thus, having to say farewell forever to Levi - the one who became almost a despite-this-hell-surely-you-will-be-there-tomorrow presence at her side throughout those long 10 years, and that they had risked their life to save as well as to whom she had "secretly" asked to run away with just 03 nights ago - damn... This certainly leaves someone shaking.

However, I don't think Hanji was planning on leaving without saying goodbye to Levi. Like, I surely can't imagine the words and intonation of the "See you" that Hanji used with the kids coming out of their mouth when they were dealing with Levi - that wouldn't work with them both because their relationship was very different! And also, rather than giving any comfort or feeling of proper closure, even the "See you guys later" left the kids at a loss...

More painful than this, though, is that (imo) the group were caught off guard seeing Hanji leaving, but they also saw that Levi was on their path. And then they seem to look even more shocked when Levi lets Hanji go because it's like they all expected that Levi would somehow produce some kind of miracle that would hold Hanji back...

Back to Levihan, tho, while Hanji couldn't bring themself up to say See ya to Levi, just the fact that while they were parting, Hanji asked Armin to take care of Levi shows that he was already in their mind. And, knowing each other for so long, I think Hanji knew there was no escape from facing Levi during her last moments alive...

Then, it's only in the wisp of seconds between the kids and the point where Levi stops and waits for them that Hanji figures what they both need to hear in order for them to keep her determination, and they both be somehow somewhat spared of further pain. (Unfortunately, Yams only drew Hanji's back when they turned around and saw Levi waiting for them. I wanted to see their reaction too...)

It will forever break me that Hanji cuts Levi's unspoken protests so sharp and so ready using "You understand" as their first words to stop him. Whenever I read these words, it's like time stops, and I can't help but remember Hanji's discourse in chapter 84. Mixing them up, it's like Hanji is saying, "You understand, don't you? Everyone you meet will be parted from you one day. [And now] It's my turn." But as if this wasn't heartbreaking enough already, Yams goes and adds, "I want to look as cool as I possibly can right now. So just let me go."

This just doesn't only disarm all the confrontation and arguments Hanji knows Levi was preparing to put up, but it also makes it clear that this goodbye, this parting, has such a power to hurt Hanji that they had better not even try anything anymore. And.God.This.Hurts.

Yams, why were you like this?!

2. How would Levi react if they hadn't said goodbye?

You see, imo, one of the worst things in life is losing someone without the chance of saying goodbye to them. Death is an occurrence so abrupt already! Can you imagine the immense amount of pain, hurt, and regret of you simply losing the person you've trusted with your own life for 10 years, and who knows you deeper and longer than anyone else and reciprocates the feelings, without you at least saying or expressing anything for this person in their last minutes alive??

There would be such heavy regrets in the survivor's heart...

So it's actually bittersweet to think Hanji wasn't planning on approaching Levi to say goodbye: I tried to imagine Levi just watching Hanji just waving at him from afar (like Annie to Armin) or maybe pretending he wasn't there, and I swear I can't help but laugh with a pain in my heart because no matter the situation, in my head, Levi would have never accepted that arrangement - neither from his part nor Hanji's!

Levi's pretty terrible at accepting things (especially death and defeat) passively. Which, thank Ymir, I think Yams thought as well. He made Levi - who during most of the chapter could hardly walk or stand up straight without help - muster the strength to walk those painful meters and "ambush" Hanji. Levi saw Hanji had walked from the hangar to where everyone was at the pier, and he nearly walked all the way up there too...

And man, just like Hanji had this wisp of a moment to think of a way to halt Levi's attempt of stopping her, Levi as well has just this wisps of a moment to find something to halt Hanji's deadly walk. It hurts deeply that Levi is probably aware there is nothing he can offer or do that Hanji would accept (because the only other option available would be him going in Hanji's place to fight the Colossals) but still, he attempts to try to stop Hanji.

I can't wait to see this whole sequence in the anime...!

3. Was it underestimating their bond or a way to protect them both?

By now, with this and all the other metas also answering this question, I think it's the second in our opinions! But to whoever has doubts about Hanji and Levi's bond, just reference tell them to reread chapter 132 without bias.

To sincere readers, it's impossible to look at all these panels and conclude that what they had together (romantic or not) was something ordinary...

4. Also, do you think the final plane was a wink to Hange or was a way to portrait their fallen comrades?

To me, the plane is Hange Zoë all the way to the depths of AOT angst! Especially because Onyankopon my hero is precisely looking at Levi, and Levi is making sure to have changed his hairstyle so evidently in a way that his bangs are completely out of the way of his scarred forehead and blind eye - the proofs that the fact he (and the others) could be there alive now was because Hans saved his (and their) life first...

By fulfilling his vow and helping to save humanity as his life mission, Levi was able to face all his dead comrades with heart at ease - like, letting them go because they would finally find some kind of peace. However, toward the personal 2nd chance in life he was given by Hanji when she saved him in the forest, and the 3rd chance at the plane's departure, there was nothing Levi could do about that now that Hanji was dead. Not that they would see it as "I need to pay you back", tho - but like, I wish I hadn't lost you at all, and that you were here with me.

Hence, there is nothing to do but acknowledge that despite "Everyone you meet will be parted from you one day" and that you still have to "keep moving forward", our personal responses to tragedy should be marked because "only after these events are memorialized can we move forward". And while our lives will never be the same after this, marking this occurrence with a memorial frees us to embrace the future...

...because only the living can remember the dead.

And like Mika said in chapter 07, "If I die now I won't even be able to remember you".

charlotte knowles look

Gigi Hadid @ Tommy Hilfiger RTW Spring 2017

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Vine Leaf Shoes by Nicholas Kirkwood