𝚃𝚛𝚢𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝙾𝚞𝚝 𝚂𝚞𝚗𝚋𝚎𝚛𝚛𝚢 𝚅𝚒𝚕𝚕𝚊𝚐𝚎,

I just couldn't help but envision my Farmer from Stardew Valley and my future Farmer from Fields of Misteria as being related, perhaps as cousins. This could lead to an interesting story where one visits the other's farm from a different place and explores the areas.

[IRL convo with my bestie, since my laptop can't handle Fields of Mistria, I'm watching her play on her computer. We just got to the part where Caldarus appears.]

Me: *still staring at Caldarus in his human form, eyes practically sparkling with admiration*

Bestie: *deadpan* Seriously?

Me: *gesturing dramatically* Hoy! Can't you see how majestic he looks? His face, his hair, gods, the ethereal beauty! He’s radiating dragon prince energy!

Bestie: *raising an eyebrow* My dear bestie… he looks like a twink.

Me: *snaps head toward her in pure disbelief* Excuse me?

Bestie: *shrugging* I mean, just look at him. The delicate features, the long hair, the whole ancient-but-elegant aesthetic—!

Me: *grabs her by the shoulders, shaking her* HE’S NOT A TWINK. Why do people keep saying that?! Have you seen his chest-open portrait?! The man has muscles! He’s got that "sleeps for centuries and wakes up ripped" kind of vibe. Do you know how hard it is to maintain that physique when you've been hibernating for hundreds of years?!

Bestie: *feeling dizzy* I-I don’t think that’s how muscle maintenance works—

Me: *tightens grip and shakes her harshly* BLASPHEMY!

Bestie: *gasping for air* HELP—

Caldarus: *watching from a distance, slightly concerned but also oddly flattered*

ℍ𝕖𝕝𝕝𝕠, 𝕖𝕧𝕖𝕣𝕪𝕠𝕟𝕖! (◍•ᴗ•◍)

My name is Aliyah, but you can call me Shy or Hime. I'm an individual who loves literature, art, baking, Fields of Mistria, Stardew Valley, and its mods especially SVE and RSV. I thought about it for a long time, and I finally decided to join this platform. On this blog you'll be seeing me post content related to any fandoms but mostly SDV and their the expanded mods. I also have a 2nd account, ojoshai but the content is mostly about Undertale AUs especially Dreamswap AUs. Thank you for visiting and I hope you have a wonderful time here.

You can even find some of my other stories (different fandoms) from these platforms.

AO3 ➡️ HimeOfShyness

Wattpad ➡️ HimeOfShyness

Instagram ➡️ himeofshyness

✧✧✧✧✧✧✧✧✧✧✧✧✧✧✧✧

Welcome to my main tumblr

My tags are ⤵️

I decided treat myself to a henna tattoo featuring the iconic Stardrop Fruit from SDV.

"𝗬𝗼𝘂 𝗳𝗲𝗲𝗹 𝗚𝗿𝗮𝗻𝗱𝗽𝗮'𝘀 𝗵𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗽𝗮𝘁𝘁𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝘀𝗵𝗼𝘂𝗹𝗱𝗲𝗿... "

I hope you're proud of me, Grandpa! 😔

(Finally! I finished the Mastery Cave. I find it hilarious that I still haven't finish Perfection but I finish this one. Need to complete the Monster Slayer one.)

𝚂𝚠𝚘𝚛𝚍𝚜, 𝚂𝚊𝚛𝚌𝚊𝚜𝚖 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚂𝚞𝚛𝚟𝚒𝚟𝚊𝚕

Isaac: You? Defeated Apophis? Bullshit. You've only been an adventurer for two years. How in the hell could you defeat that beast with that rusty sword? Who else can you defeat? Slimes?

Rosemary: This entire desert is drenched in the blood of those corrupted monsters, the bones I've collected from them are all being ground up in my bonemill for fertilizer, and some of those bones belonged to your fallen comrades.

Isaac: .....

Rosemary: Imagine what I could do to you.

Isaac: You're crazy.

Rosemary: I call it being resourceful.

Isaac: Crazy bitch.

Rosemary: And you're an asshole, at least your comrades are nourishing my monster crops at my farm.

~Meanwhile there are others who are watching them~

Alesia: Are they fighting or flirting?

Lance: Probably both.

Heyyaaa Mousey! How are you feeling right now? Hope its well. (◍•ᴗ•◍)

Okay soooo remember that one headcanon you posted its about that how would the spouses react if Mr. Qi threatened them to divorce the farmer… because I think the blue dude is practically bored and his only entertainment is the farmer going action but since farmer is busy with his family life. And Mr. Qi thinks that romantic feelings or family life are “distracting” to them. And since you wrote a headcannon with the vanilla marriageable npcs. Then how about a reaction from the SVE & RSV marriageable candidates. Imagine the chaos this brings. And sorry about my english. 😅

Hey hey Hime 👋 I'm doing fine, thanks for asking 😃

Another headcanon about Mr. Qi kidnapping Farmer's spouse? Hell yeah :) Funny, while I was writing again hedcanons about this topic, I remembered that one of the most important conditions for achieving Perfection in game is the wedding/getting a roommate, so that Farmer gets a Starfruit in 12 ❤️ And now Qi is like no no no, that's it, I've changed my mind, you have lived a married life a little bit and that's enough, go back to perform my tests. And he shouldn't be threatening Farmer's spouse/neighbour in general... just increase the reward for the test and Farmer will come running, lmao.

Oh well, I got a little distracted... Anyway, good to see you again, thanks for the ask! Have a great day ☺️

I'll take Qi's speech from the previous headcanon with vanilla characters, so we'll skip that part here!

_________________________________________

Stardew Valley Expanded:

There was no sight of terror on Lance's face after Mr. Qi's ultimatum. He kept his composure, confidently clutched the hilt of his sword with his right hand, in case anything happened, but was in no hurry to pull the weapon. The pink-haired adventurer carefully considered his future move, calculating the chances of winning the fight or chances of escape. The situation was complicated, but in the name of protecting his family, Lance had no right to panic.

"Nice to finally meet you... Mister Qi." Magnus knew that the mage community would sooner or later encounter this... person (was he even a person?), but he didn't think that this 'honour' would fall to him. And the immediate threats, of course... Qi may have taken Rasmodius by surprise, but he's underestimating the talent of the wizard, who is ready to instantly disintegrate the insolent man who dares to threaten Magnus' spouse. He's not about to back down...

"W- what?" Victor stood stiffly, unable to digest all the information that had been dumped on his head. This man was claiming that Farmer owed him something? To perform some kind of test? And Victor is getting in the way of all of this way?! Victor don't understand... but he's not about to let someone force Farmer to do it and threaten them and Victor. But at the same time he's scared, for there is definitely magic involved, and he doesn't know what else this Qi can do...

Mr. Qi was a little amazed that Claire was practically calm. Too calm. Naturally, surprise splashed in her eyes, but nothing more. Qi even got curious, so he asked the cashier if she was scared at all. Claire replied that "this is one of the most strangest dreams ever" and pinched herself on the arm. The unpleasant sensation made her twitch... and quickly her calm was replaced by horror. "No, my dear. Not the dream," Qi replied, "should I repeat everything I've said all over again?"

Olivia will be confused to the core of her being that she won't immediately respond to Mr. Qi with such a bold ultimatum. However, after the meaning of his words reach her, the former Joja accountant will be overwhelmed with anger. How dare this creep kidnap her and threaten her and her spouse! Her family! A fraction of fear is present, but more Olivia will be angry and demand to take her back, or else Qi himself will have consequences.

Sophia fell to her knees and covered her face with the palms, holding back her screams and tears. This person was slowly approaching her, the clomping of his heels echoing in the room. Sophia clutched her eyes harder and began to mutter something. Only when Mr. Qi got close enough to her, he heard what the pink-haired young woman, who was scared to death, was whispering. "Wake up, wake up, please.... it's just a nightmare..." "Are you sure about that?" And then Sophia screamed as hard as she could.

The frightened Scarlett didn't say anything to Qi, took a few steps back, trying to get as far away from him as possible, but afraid to make any sudden movements. The urge to run far away, anywhere, just so she wouldn't have to feel someone else's gaze on her, was overwhelming, though. "You're not going anywhere until you choose-" "I DON'T WANT TO CHOOSE! LEAVE ME AND FARMER ALONE!" Scarlett interrupted Qi with scream, shivering and trying to figure out where to run to find Farmer, Sophia, her parents, anyone who could help.

Ridgeside Village:

The muzzle of the gun pointed at Qi gave Bryle some confidence in this strange and frightening situation. Though after this mysterious blue man had laughed at the Governor bodyguard's 'toy', Bryle's confidence began to slowly evaporate. Shit, what is going on, who is this creep and how does he know Farmer? 'My warrior,' what the hell is this!? "Fuck you." He probably shouldn't have snapped at him, but the desperation was making him start to panic a little. Fuck, he need to warn Farmer...

"Whatever it is, I'm sure we can come to an agreement," in truth, Zayne didn't want to negotiate anything with this man and his brash demands, but he realised that the situation wasn't on his side. Qi himself had to give Zayne credit - the young head of a wealthy family didn't chicken out, didn't beg for mercy by bargaining for his life, and clearly loved Farmer enough. Impressively... But not enough for him to leave the 'problem' of Farmer's abandoned trials unresolved.

Jio didn't reply anything to Mr. Qi, only lightning-fast drew his katana from its sheath, getting into a fighting stance. He realised that the person before him was a dangerous opponent, the very one his Lady had been trying to find for a long time. Not a human, an anomaly. But the elf would not allow anyone to threaten those dear to him, his soul, his mate... His spouse and children... If fate has decreed it so - so be it, but Jio will protect his family to the last drop of blood.

"Or you could ask them politely to fulfil, uhhh.... your challenge?" June tried to find a way out of this difficult situation, trying to convince this... stranger not to make any hasty decisions. But truth be told, the pianist doesn't want Farmer to perform any (most likely - dangerous and illegal) tests of this weirdo at all. Aloud, of course, he will not say, because what if the threats of this "Mister Qi" are not empty....

Anton almost gave his consent to Qi's ultimatum, when the mysterious blue man began not only to manipulate the architect, but also began to humiliate him. The phrase 'you don't deserve someone like Farmer anyway,' definitely left a huge crack in Anton's heart. But only he wanted to open his mouth to agree to the divorce, at that moment remembered the moment when Farmer handed him the Mermaid pendant that now hangs around his neck. No, he couldn't betray them that easily... "Screw you." He's already prepared for the worst.

"Ahahahahaha, great joke, very funny. So, where's your hidden camera?" Oh, Sean was scared for a minute at all of this, but realised it was just a prank (a bit dumb prank, by the way) and waited for the lights to come back on and everyone to come out shouting "Gotcha!" Who ever came up with this stupid idea for this prank in the first place..... With a snap of his fingers, Qi made Sean fall to his knees from the sharp pain in his chest. "Still think this is a joke?" Now the handyman believed him.

Shiro remained silent and didn't want to agree to such an ultimatum . But he's not going to say something not very decent either, as unfortunately his current state of health won't allow him to defend himself against the attack of this deranged man. His mind says that he should give his consent to save Farmer and himself, but his heart screams refusal. Still have to listen to the voice of reason though. Even if he agrees, Farmer will still be in danger.

"Okay, now let me go!" Yoba witnessed, Jeric didn't want to agree to any demands, but realised that the chances of escaping or defeating this Qi were very slim. Agreeing to anything, just so he can warn Bryle and Farmer about this madman. "Then sign it." Some paper with finely written text and a pen formed, hovering right beside the young farmer. There was no way he dared to take that pen. "I'm waiting." Damn, what should Jeric do...

Philip only laughed nervously and took very slow steps backwards. The situation was bizarre to the point where he even thought for a moment that this was some kind of horrible nightmare and Qi was a sleep paralysis demon. "You're not leaving until you file for divorce," and dozens of pairs of eyes glared at the physiotherapist, forcing him to stand still. "I'm still waiting," Mister Qi's voice became more impatient, making Philip shake all over. He didn't want to, but he feared for himself and his spouse.

Rivers of tears were running down Ian's face, it was all too much for the poor man. "Why are you doing all thi?! Why?! What have we done to you!" His voice trailed off into a scream that echoed throughout the dark room. Just his life was starting to get better, he'd found his soulmate, everything was great, and then - fate handed this man who was ruining his and Farmer's lives just because he was bored. Ian falls to his knees and begins to sob quietly.

"If you care so much about Farmer, you'll have to go along with it. You'll save both them and your own life. You're smart, kid, sure you would do the right thing," Qi is definitely right about something: Kenneth is indeed smart. Smart enough to realise that Qi won't just leave him and Farmer alone, even if Kenneth divorces his spouse. Maybe the electrician himself won't interest Qi anymore, but Farmer... Kenneth hates to think what the bastard has in mind for Farmer with his "trials." But he still has to agree to Qi's demand - if he doesn't save himself, he won't save Farmer either.

This Mister Qi is greatly deluded since he thinks he can scare Corine so easily. She and Farmer aren't puppets for someone to play, toying with their lives like it's all just a game. The waitress won't be able to defeat him, that's for sure - she can feel Qi's strong, dark aura. But she's not going to give up either. In the left pocket of her work apron is a miniature totem, a small relic given to her by that elf she met recently. Who, by the way, she's also going to ask for help before she escapes from this place.

It's impossible to imagine the effort it took for Daia to suppress the urge to spit some insult or sarcasm in Qi's face after his words. Because the ninja realized that she wasn't in a position to be frivolous and arrogant. She had a very dangerous opponent in front of her, the same one her Lady had mentioned earlier. Daia is not going to abandon Farmer, but she definitely needs to play along with Qi in order to get out of this situation alive and warn her spouse and the Cult members.

"I'm not afraid of you," but Blair's teeth chattered, showing her fear. She held her fishing rod tightly, preparing to swing it like a weapon. Except that didn't give her much confidence. Only a minute ago she was fishing in peace and preparing to go home to Farmer, and already this stranger is demanding her divorcing her spouse or face the consequences of refusing. The fisherwoman wants to attack Qi first, to take him by surprise, but.... she's terribly afraid.

Mr. Qi didn't even have time to say anything to his 'guest' before Alissa interrupted him with a heartbreaking scream, terrified of her being kidnapped straight from the Ridgeside Village to this, this... dark and strange place. Qi even cringed at the high notes of the girl's scream, Farmer's partner really did have... a striking voice. Alissa didn't understand what Qi was trying to say for the second time, she was gripped by terror.

"You... You... How dare you, you brute!" Faye, out of anger, threw her fan with all her might right into the face of her insolent captor, hoping that the thrown object would hit his eye or nose. The fan hit Qi's face, but the mysterious blue man didn't even flinch, just continued to stare at the waitress. His smile slowly slid down, giving Faye goosebumps. Perhaps it was a rash act, because this Qi was angry and would hurt her and Farmer.

"Is this what you do for a living? Destroying people's lives just because you feel like it?" Kiarra's words were full of bitterness and hatred for the man who stood before her in dark space. The graphic designer felt absolutely defenceless, broken, unable to somehow resist this evil man who stood there smiling contentedly, guessing what she was about to say to him. Kiarra could only hope that Farmer would forgive her for breaking their heart, but she needed to save their life. And she definitely needs to survive to find someone who can help her.

Letting out a cry, Maddie threw her bag at Qi, and when the blue man dodged, clenched her fists and started throwing punches. Miss, miss, miss, miss again, but Maddie, cornered, was gripped by rage and fear. Until unknown threads tied her hands behind her back, and Qi, completely unaffected by the lab assistant, stood by while she calmed down. There was nothing left for the poor girl but to fall to her knees and start sobbing.

Irene thought her past kidnapping for her further ransom from the Amethyne family had been the worst experience of the cook's life. The mere bandits that got her caught up and thought they would get their money's worth, but ended up getting justice, as messing with Maive wasn't good. Qi on the other hand was demonstrating magic, a power unprecedented to Irene that she realised: not even the head Amethyne and Farmer would find her here. She would either die or have to leave Farmer for good. Yoba, why it's not just the bandits again, why...

"Tsk, you're smarter than that, kid." Mr. Qi shook his head disapprovingly as Paula pulled out her army knife and prepared to hurl the weapon at her captor. He could have guessed that the doctor wouldn't listen to him so easily, this stubborn girl. "I'll have to take your toy," and after these words the knife, as if it had a will of its own, was yanked from the hands of the shocked Paula. "Now back to our problem-" "You're the only one with a problem, scum!" Sigh, Qi will have to quiet Paula down before threatening her.

Flor tries her best to read Qi, tries to see if he's bluffing or not when he promised very unpleasant consequences to her and her spouse if she doesn't do as he demands. If Farmer is, as this stranger himself claims, his "hero," "the chosen one," what's the point of him harming them? Logically, carefully, she tries to change Mister Qi's mind. Because she realises that, at this point, words are her only weapon.

Ysabelle looks at Mr. Qi with horror, turns around and runs away. Wherever the girl's eyes look, there is almost total darkness, and immediately in that darkness forms the silhouette of a blue man, smiling mockingly at the frightened girl. "Where are you going?" Poor Ysabelle runs in different directions, but in the end the outcome is the same. There is no way for her to escape, but she runs anyway, to find a way home. "Lea-" *pant* "Leave me alone!"

Summary: Sebastian wakes up in the middle of the night to find his pregnant farmer wife, Aleia, indulging in her latest bizarre craving.

The farmhouse was bathed in moonlight, its wooden beams creaking softly in the stillness of the night. The air outside was crisp, carrying the faint scent of pine and distant ocean waves. Inside, everything was peaceful except for the subtle rustling of blankets and the faint creak of the bed as Aleia carefully slid out from under Sebastian’s arm.

She moved with practiced stealth, her roseate hair swaying as she tiptoed toward the door. But even with her best efforts, Sebastian stirred, his hand instinctively reaching for her in his half-asleep daze. Instead of warmth, he was met with cool, empty sheets. His brows furrowed. Sleepy or not, he knew Aleia was supposed to be there.

Dragging himself up, Sebastian ran a hand through his tousled dark plum hair, exhaling as he rubbed his face. With sluggish movements, he padded barefoot out of the room, eyes scanning the dimly lit hallway. The bathroom light was off. That ruled out his first guess.

Then, faintly, the warm glow of the kitchen flickered under the door.

Sebastian squinted. At this hour?

With quiet steps, he approached, pushing the door open slightly.

There, under the kitchen’s soft golden light, stood Aleia, her eyes gleaming with mischief as she hunched over the counter, caught in the act. Her cheeks were puffed up, stuffed with something. And in her hand? A piece of watermelon.

Sebastian raised an eyebrow. “Cravings again?”

Aleia turned toward him, blinking innocently as she struggled to chew. “Mhm!” she garbled, before finally swallowing. “I needed this.”

Sebastian let out a breathy chuckle, crossing his arms as he leaned against the doorframe. “Watermelon?”

She nodded enthusiastically. “It’s so juicy and sweet.” Then, as if suddenly remembering something, she reached behind her and grabbed—oh dear Yoba!—a jar of mayonnaise.

Sebastian’s expression immediately dropped.

“Oh no.” he muttered, dread settling in. “Not this again.”

Aleia grinned mischievously. “Oh yes.”

Without hesitation, she unscrewed the lid and like it was the most normal thing in the world, tilted the jar back, taking a long sip of mayonnaise like it was a gourmet beverage.

Sebastian visibly recoiled. “ALEIA, WHY?”

She smacked her lips, sighing in contentment. “I dunno, Sebby. It just hits different.”

Sebastian stared at her, absolutely appalled. “You used to do that before pregnancy, and I thought maybe, just maybe, you’d grow out of it. But no. No. The baby is only enabling you.”

Aleia shrugged before nonchalantly dipping her watermelon slice into the mayo and taking a delighted bite.

Sebastian looked personally betrayed. “That’s an abomination.”

Aleia gasped dramatically. “Excuse me? This is peak cuisine.”

“That is sacrilegious.” Sebastian countered.

“Oh, and you’re one to talk?” Aleia huffed, setting down her watermelon and crossing her arms. “You eat cold sashimi straight from the fridge at 2 AM like some kind of gremlin and think I’m the weird one?”

Sebastian opened his mouth to argue but then paused. Damn. She had a point.

“That’s completely different.” he muttered.

Aleia smirked. “Mhm. Keep telling yourself that.”

Sebastian exhaled sharply before stepping closer, slipping his arms around her waist. Despite the culinary war crimes she was committing, he still pressed a soft kiss to her temple. “You are so lucky I love you.” he murmured against her hair.

Aleia giggled, nuzzling into him. “I know.”

Sebastian’s hands found their way to her slightly rounded belly, rubbing slow, soothing circles. “How’s our little night owl?” he asked softly.

Aleia hummed, resting her free hand over his. “Oh, just making sure I never sleep again,” she teased. “Apparently, our kid is a night creature like their dad.”

Sebastian smirked. “At least they take after me in something.”

Aleia rolled her eyes before nudging him playfully. “You’re really clingy, you know that?”

“You like it.”

“…I do.” she admitted with a grin.

Sebastian glanced at the counter. “So, is it just the watermelon or should I prepare myself for something worse?”

Aleia chewed her lip, suddenly looking very guilty.

Sebastian narrowed his eyes. “Aleia… what else did you eat?”

She hesitated before mumbling, “Pickles.”

Sebastian nodded slowly. “Okay, not too bad.”

“With peanut butter.”

His expression dropped. “Oh, no.”

“…And a little bit of hot sauce.”

Sebastian groaned. “Sweetheart, that’s not food.”

Aleia pouted, poking his chest. “Says the guy who hoards pumpkin soup like a dragon and refuses to share.”

Sebastian gasped, placing a hand over his heart in mock offense. “Hey. That soup is sacred.”

Aleia grinned triumphantly before finishing off the last bite of her cursed watermelon. “There. Now I’m good.”

Sebastian sighed, shaking his head. “Alright, come on, weird cravings queen. Let’s get you back to bed before you start dipping pumpkin soup in ranch dressing.”

“…That’s actually not a bad idea.”

Sebastian groaned.

With a laugh, Aleia wrapped her arms around his neck. “You love me.” she teased.

Sebastian kissed her forehead. “That’s the only reason I’m putting up with this.”

Hand in hand, they walked back to their room, the dim glow of the kitchen light fading behind them. As they curled up under the covers, Sebastian wrapped his arms around her again, his warmth chasing away the night’s chill.

“Good night, my love,” he murmured against her hair.

Aleia smiled sleepily, snuggling into his chest. “Night, Sebby.”

The farmhouse settled back into silence, the moonlight casting a soft glow over them. And despite the absolute madness of her cravings, Sebastian knew one thing for certain.

He wouldn’t trade any of this for the world.

𝙰𝚏𝚝𝚎𝚛 𝙵𝚒𝚎𝚕𝚍𝚜 𝚘𝚏 𝙼𝚒𝚜𝚝𝚛𝚒𝚊 𝚄𝚙𝚍𝚊𝚝𝚎

[After countless side quests—gathering rare relics, artifacts, and questionable items,—casting complicated spells (including accidentally turning their cow blue for a week and setting a tree on fire), the Farmer finally frees Caldarus from his statue prison.]

Caldarus: *stands before them, now in human form, his dragon wings unfurled, horns glinting in the sunlight, and a tail lazily swishing behind him. The air practically hums with power.*

Farmer: *gawking, inner thoughts* Oh no. He’s hot. Like, "burn-down-my-crops" hot.

Caldarus: *stretching his wings, glancing at his hands with a satisfied grin* I’m finally free… after a thousand years. I can feel the wind again. *breathes deeply* No more being a glorified lawn ornament.

Farmer: *still staring* Uh-huh. Majestic. Totally majestic.

Caldarus: *turning to them with a charming smile* Truly, I owe you a debt I cannot hope to repay. Tell me, Farmer. What reward would suffice for freeing me?

Farmer: *already holding out a bouquet, a ring, and a chest full of their finest gold and jewels* Simple. Marry me.

Caldarus: *blinking, wings twitching in surprise* ...Pardon?

Farmer: Look, you’re tall, you have wings, horns and you practically radiate ‘mysterious ancient power.’ You expect me not to shoot my shot?

Caldarus: *staring at the offerings, then at the Farmer, tail flicking in amusement* You freed me from an ancient curse and your first thought was marriage?

Farmer: *nodding enthusiastically* Yup. Right here, right now. We can skip the long courting phase. I’ve got the ring, the flowers, and enough wealth to fund a honeymoon in every region of Mistria. Let’s go.

Caldarus: *crossing his arms, smirking* I see you’ve also conveniently ignored the thousand-year gap in life experience. I don’t even know what a 'honeymoon' is.

Farmer: Don’t worry, I’ll teach you. Lesson one: It involves a lot of cake and maybe—just maybe, romantic walks under the moonlight. Lesson two: you looking like that means I have no self-control.

Caldarus: *chuckling, wings rustling* Hmm. So bold. I do admire confidence in a mortal. But tell me, are you proposing because of my power… or my devastatingly good looks?

Farmer: *deadpan*...Yes.

Caldarus: *sighing, rubbing his temples as his tail sways* I suppose I should have expected this. You were always talking to my statue about your tragic love life.

Farmer: *shrugging* Hey, you gave great advice! Plus, you could’ve warned me that you were this attractive.

Caldarus: As a statue? Should I have etched a warning plaque? ‘Caution: Restoring this relic may result in intense attraction.’

Farmer: Honestly? It would’ve saved me a lot of emotional turmoil right now.

Caldarus: *snorts, wings twitching with amusement* And you believe a mere proposal is enough? Have you considered the implications? I am an immortal dragon guardian. Marriage is a… complicated matter.

Farmer: Pfft. You sound like you’re overthinking it. I mean, you’ve been stuck as a statue for a thousand years. Surely you’ve had time to think about settling down.

Caldarus: *deadpan* Yes. Clearly, I spent every waking moment contemplating wedding registries and floral arrangements.

Farmer: See? You’re a natural. I’ll handle the registry; you just show up looking majestic and vaguely dangerous.

Caldarus: *exasperated but amused, pacing with his tail flicking* Do you always leap into life-altering decisions without thought?

Farmer: Absolutely. Did you not hear the part where I accidentally turned my cow blue? Commitment issues? Never heard of them.

Caldarus: *pauses, glancing back with a raised brow* That… explains a great deal.

Farmer: Come on. We already have a history. Remember when I told your statue self about that embarrassing date with the cute blacksmith?

Caldarus: *groans dramatically, covering his face with one hand* Unfortunately, I do recall. You spoke for three hours.

Farmer: And yet you didn’t turn to dust. Clearly, we’re meant to be.

Caldarus: *peeking through his fingers, giving them a look* You are infuriating.

Farmer: But charmingly persistent.

Caldarus: *sighing, wings drooping slightly as he gives a reluctant smile* Persistent is one word for it.

Farmer: *grinning, stepping closer* So… is that a ‘yes’?

Caldarus: *arching a brow, giving them a slow, teasing look* Hmm. Tempting. But I’m afraid you’ll have to do better than showing up with shiny trinkets and reckless confidence.

Farmer: Wow. Harsh. After everything I did to free you?

Caldarus: *smirking, wings giving a playful flick* I am grateful. Truly. But I’ve been sealed for a thousand years. I’m hardly rushing into a binding contract with a mortal who once confessed they tried to romance a merchant for discount prices.

Farmer: *groans* Okay, first off, it was a strategic decision. Second, it didn’t work anyway. Third—!

Caldarus: *laughing now, warm and rich, shaking his head* Enough. Your desperation is amusing, but I need time to explore this world again. Perhaps if you prove yourself more… convincingly, we’ll revisit this conversation.

Farmer: *grinning smugly* Oh, you’re so into me.

Caldarus: *turning away, tail flicking with mock indifference* Keep telling yourself that, mortal.

Farmer: *calling after him* Don’t worry, I will! You will be mine!

Caldarus: *under his breath, smiling* ...Infuriating mortal indeed.

𝙵𝚛𝚘𝚖 𝚂𝚝𝚘𝚗𝚎 𝙲𝚘𝚕𝚍 𝚝𝚘 𝙷𝚎𝚊𝚛𝚝𝚝𝚑𝚛𝚘𝚋: 𝙰 𝙵𝚊𝚛𝚖𝚎𝚛’𝚜 𝙿𝚛𝚒𝚘𝚛𝚒𝚝𝚒𝚎𝚜

(Found this in my old drafts, I wrote it before the FOM update. Would be a waste not to post it here. I also made a skit related to this one with Farmer and Caldarus but more unhinged/dramatic and longer skit. ➡️ Link)

[Setting: Caldarus has just broken free from his stone prison. Dust settles, magic crackles in the air, and the Farmer stands frozen, staring at the man before them.]

Farmer: *inhales sharply* Oh. My. Gods.

Caldarus: *blinking, adjusting to his newfound freedom* Yes, I—

Farmer: *gripping his shoulders* YOU’RE HOT!!!

Caldarus: *startled* What?

Farmer: *shaking him slightly* I knew you’d be attractive, but this? This is illegal!

Caldarus: *trying to recover from both the dramatic exit from his prison and this energy* I—well... Thank you, I suppose—

Farmer: *grabs his hands, eyes shining* You don’t understand. I was ready to marry a rock. I was prepared to take my vows in front of a lawn ornament.

Caldarus: *slowly processing* You were going to what?

Farmer: *serious nod* I was mentally prepared to wake up every day and say, ‘Good morning, my beloved paperweight.’

Caldarus: *rubbing his temples* I just broke free from my stoney prison, and this is what I’m met with?

Farmer: *grinning* Welcome back to the world, my dear! Wanna get married?

Caldarus: *sighs, but there’s an amused smile tugging at his lips* At least let me breathe first.

𝙱𝚘𝚗𝚞𝚜 𝙰𝚕𝚝𝚎𝚛𝚗𝚊𝚝𝚒𝚟𝚎 𝙴𝚗𝚍𝚒𝚗𝚐:

Caldarus: *sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose* Fine. But if I hear one joke about rocks, I’m turning back into one.

Farmer: *gasps dramatically* You wouldn’t dare.

Caldarus: *raising an eyebrow* Try me.

Farmer: *grinning* Well, that’s just stone-cold of you.

Caldarus: *visibly struggling to maintain composure* I’m serious.

Farmer: *nodding* Of quartz you are.

Caldarus: *groans* I regret everything.

Farmer: *pats his shoulder* Don’t take me for granite.

Caldarus: *sighs, looking up at the sky as if pleading with the gods* I should have stayed petrified.

Farmer: *beaming* Too late, rock husband. You’re stuck with me now.

Caldarus: *despite himself, a small chuckle escapes* At least eternity won’t be boring.