Isn’t It Weird How You Can Actually Feel The Pain In Your Chest And Stomach When Something Really Hurts

Depression does not always mean

Beautiful girls with visible scars on their wrists. Depression does not always mean having a bad day at work.

Sometimes depression means not getting out of bed for three days in a row because your feet refuse to believe that they will not shatter upon impact on the floor.

Sometimes depression means that summoning the willpower to do the laundry and change your bed sheets is the most impressive thing you’ve accomplished all week.

Sometimes depression means lying there for hours, because you cannot convince your body that it is capable of movement.

Sometimes depression means not being able to write for days, weeks even because the only words you have to offer the world are;

“I’m trapped”

“I’m drowning”

“I swear to god I’m trying”

Sometimes depression means that every single bone in your body aches but you have to keep going through the motions because you cannot call into work with the excuse of depression.

Sometimes depression means ignoring every text and phone call for an entire month because yes, they have the right number but you are not the person they are looking for, not anymore.

I have always, without a doubt, been a strange girl. Noticeable uncomfortable in my own skin, a constant desire to shrink and shift into somebody, something, anything else. Disappearing being the unattainable goal and going unnoticed the runner up prize. Never the life and soul of the party, never invited to the party, never the best friend more so the acquaintance.

Every ounce of kindness I have ever been shown by anybody, I grasp into with both hands and hope so desperately for it not to slip from between my fingers. It never lasts and it never turns out the way I would of hoped.

Every single relationship I have formed with anybody, has been ruined or tainted in a way, through nobodies fault but my own. I am a wrecking ball and I can’t help but destroy and break and ruin. I am alone, so alone and so painfully lonely. Hurting myself doesn’t suffice and thoughts of throwing it all away are a constant.

After all, what’s the point in it anyway?

Someone once said to me, “I hope the pain eases soon.” It struck me as the purest blessing that had ever been offered over my head - I hope the pain eases soon. It’s so gentle, so kind, so hopeful. So to everyone who’s hurting: I see how hard you’re trying, and I hope your pain will ease soon.

All my friends are on t.v

Not to sound to conceited

They don’t know my name

They don’t know me by face

But we’re as close as blood clots

Under the skin of aging hands

And as tight as 4c coiled hair curls

I have never fit in totally ever

Different aspects of myself connected

With entire peoples characters

I never had the chance to 100% me

At all

But my friends on tv they are exactly like me

I can relate to them and them to me

They bring me on adventures

Take me out drinking past my curfew

And invite me in the room when they make love

They are my closet friends,

All from different groups and channels

And I like it that way

Because they can never let me down

They can never get tired of me or use me

I accept them and in return they let me in

In a way no one has ever done

And isn’t that what friends are for?

Seriously. I‘m just sick of all those lies. Am I really that unimportant that I don’t even deserve the truth??

Not gonna post or answer anything for the next days, weeks, probably months, idk.

I’m sorry.

“I’m lonely. And I’m lonely in some horribly deep way and for a flash of an instant, I can see just how lonely, and how deep this feeling runs. And it scares the shit out of me to be this lonely because it seems catastrophic.”

— (via flame)

Yesterday my therapist used “triggered” in an actual medical context and for a second I honestly thought she was making fun of me before I remembered that it was still a word like. Actual doctors use and not just something shitty people say

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* reblog or like if you ever felt like this*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

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