Borderline Personality Disorder Isn’t Being Cute And ‘clingy’ And ‘adorably Needy’. Being

do people miss me I can’t imagine myself as a person others think about

“My problem is, I don’t see a future for myself, and when you see no future it becomes easier to see the end.”

- It becomes closer everyday.

I think i might be borderline. Im so sensitive but sometimes i feel so cold. I feel like i know what i want and deserve but then i feel like i dont deserve it and im such a horrible being. Sometimes its like nothing is never enough and i domt understand why. I feel empathetic but then i feel narcissistic, then i feel like i can percieve very well but then i am being one sided without even realizing. I make things bigger when they shouldn’t because im so insecure and stupid. I self loathe to the core no matter how many people boost me up and even if i try i then revert to not deserving and feeling bad and becominh self destructive and impulsive, indecisive i dont understand. I just want to be perfect for people and im so different around certain friends or people that if i were in a room with everyone of them who all dont know eachother i would freak out and feel like i don’t know who i am. I struggle hard with my identity. I feel like i know who i am but then im scared to be me, i am afraid of change but then sometimes i do and dont notice or get stuck or steal from others little habits like they are a part of me and feel lost when they are gone or i just can never let go. Im selfish yet considerate, it makes no sense, i am distraught. Dont know if i am diagnosed properly. Dont even know my ownself sometimes.

And the dissociation continues....

Before I felt myself becoming numb to outside situations. Where I was didn’t matter anymore, I was never there mentally, my thoughts were usually far away on some other topic, situation, whatever. I could feel myself losing grasp of things, could feel people closing themselves off from me. I’m sure I was a terrible bore. Now I have been isolated, left alone to delve even further into my inner mind, becoming even more oblivious to anything. My boyfriend, being mainly so self centered most of the time talks endlessly about himself about his problems. He could ask me about school and interrupt me halfway through the first sentence to say “oh yeah…” and recommence talking endlessly about his job and the next plan he has to fuck with his boss. I don’t have to pay attention anymore. In fact I can hardly remember a time where I ever paid attention completely, his talking was always endless. All I had to do was sit there and laugh or say yeah noncommittally and that has always been enough, as long as he had one person to listen to him it never mattered much what their response was. After all he has all the answers. Or my mom when she talks I no longer find the words to continue conversation I just perform another noncommittal gesture and the conversation ceases, until she makes another attempt and the cycle continues. I don’t remember the last time I have been invited to hang out with anyone, I’m sure everyone got sick of the huge gap of life missing in my existence. Generally I feel bad, I feel bad that I used to have friends that now find me boring, but most of all I feel bad that my mother who loves me more than anything despite her flaws has to be continually shut down by whats most likely her only cause for existence. It produces guilt within me but not the energy required to solve the situation, to actually sit down and have a normal conversation with her, other than what I did for the week, I’d like to ask her questions about her own life instead of saying “Ma I need to go get this homework done.” Or when she asks how her cooking was when I haven’t eaten in however many days (not intentionally, much to my dismay, and her completely unaware of this fact.) I just grunt a meaningless show of thanks instead of telling her how much I appreciate it. I tell her that I’m going to do the dishes but after putting it off for several hours she gets up and just does them herself and instead of putting in a word and telling her to stop I sit there and listen.

As much as I love my boyfriend it’s times like these where I really wish he could see a little more beyond himself and his problems. I am after all, the girl he’s supposedly in love with. I wish dating him hadn’t been just another factor that caused the loss of so many friends. My time devoted only to him, the way he wants it.

Now I am stuck in a position with myself where I can no longer find a way out of. For a long time this is what I wanted, I just wanted to be able to get out when I wanted to as well. I don’t like the way I’m living, I want to be all there, in the moment, not drifting away into my own head thinking about something completely irrelevant. Any idea’s on how to get myself out of such dissociation?

All my friends are on t.v

Not to sound to conceited

They don’t know my name

They don’t know me by face

But we’re as close as blood clots

Under the skin of aging hands

And as tight as 4c coiled hair curls

I have never fit in totally ever

Different aspects of myself connected

With entire peoples characters

I never had the chance to 100% me

At all

But my friends on tv they are exactly like me

I can relate to them and them to me

They bring me on adventures

Take me out drinking past my curfew

And invite me in the room when they make love

They are my closet friends,

All from different groups and channels

And I like it that way

Because they can never let me down

They can never get tired of me or use me

I accept them and in return they let me in

In a way no one has ever done

And isn’t that what friends are for?

Since you talked about poems about mental health, do you have any recs?

tw/cw for nearly all of these.

So many poems in Said the Manic to the Muse by Jeanann Verlee (Good Girl & The Session were some of my favorites)So many poems in Extracting the Stone of Madness: Poems 1962-1972 by Alejandra Pizarnik Lady Lazarus by Sylvia PlathLast Words by Sylvia PlathMad Girl’s Love Song by Sylvia PlathTulips by Sylvia PlathElm by Sylvia PlathThe Other by Sylvia PlathOracle by Cate MarvinResumé by Dorothy ParkerCommunion by Jeanann VerleeThe Mania Speaks by Jeanann Verleemy lover’s in love w/ sylvia plath by @openlylesbian​survival kit by @viperslang​[untitled] by @viperslang​excerpt from #Godbot by @viperslang​VIRGINIA WOOLF WALKS INTO MY APARTMENT by @linettereeman​How to Get the Gun Safely Out of Your Mouth by Jamaal May14 Lines from Love Letters or Suicide Notes by @doclubenpoetry​Poetry Suite in Nailed by Stevie EdwardsPoetry Suite in Nailed by Jeanann Verlee (esp. Polyamory, With Knives)Reshaping the Bell Jar feature in Winter Tangerine (esp. oath (blud litany) and The River’s Lure)Poems in Hatred of Women by Cassandra Troyan (esp. untitled)Poems in Throne of Blood by Cassandra Troyan (major violence/graphic abuse/trauma tw)On the Border by @afterthelonely​ (especially two.)Wanting to Die by Anne Sexton

“And when my mother asks me what’s wrong I just say I’m tired because I don’t have the heart to tell the woman who gave me life that I don’t want it anymore.”

— (via wstdxo)

I literally feel sick from crying so much.