And The Dissociation Continues....

And the dissociation continues....

Before I felt myself becoming numb to outside situations. Where I was didn’t matter anymore, I was never there mentally, my thoughts were usually far away on some other topic, situation, whatever. I could feel myself losing grasp of things, could feel people closing themselves off from me. I’m sure I was a terrible bore. Now I have been isolated, left alone to delve even further into my inner mind, becoming even more oblivious to anything. My boyfriend, being mainly so self centered most of the time talks endlessly about himself about his problems. He could ask me about school and interrupt me halfway through the first sentence to say “oh yeah…” and recommence talking endlessly about his job and the next plan he has to fuck with his boss. I don’t have to pay attention anymore. In fact I can hardly remember a time where I ever paid attention completely, his talking was always endless. All I had to do was sit there and laugh or say yeah noncommittally and that has always been enough, as long as he had one person to listen to him it never mattered much what their response was. After all he has all the answers. Or my mom when she talks I no longer find the words to continue conversation I just perform another noncommittal gesture and the conversation ceases, until she makes another attempt and the cycle continues. I don’t remember the last time I have been invited to hang out with anyone, I’m sure everyone got sick of the huge gap of life missing in my existence. Generally I feel bad, I feel bad that I used to have friends that now find me boring, but most of all I feel bad that my mother who loves me more than anything despite her flaws has to be continually shut down by whats most likely her only cause for existence. It produces guilt within me but not the energy required to solve the situation, to actually sit down and have a normal conversation with her, other than what I did for the week, I’d like to ask her questions about her own life instead of saying “Ma I need to go get this homework done.” Or when she asks how her cooking was when I haven’t eaten in however many days (not intentionally, much to my dismay, and her completely unaware of this fact.) I just grunt a meaningless show of thanks instead of telling her how much I appreciate it. I tell her that I’m going to do the dishes but after putting it off for several hours she gets up and just does them herself and instead of putting in a word and telling her to stop I sit there and listen.

As much as I love my boyfriend it’s times like these where I really wish he could see a little more beyond himself and his problems. I am after all, the girl he’s supposedly in love with. I wish dating him hadn’t been just another factor that caused the loss of so many friends. My time devoted only to him, the way he wants it.

Now I am stuck in a position with myself where I can no longer find a way out of. For a long time this is what I wanted, I just wanted to be able to get out when I wanted to as well. I don’t like the way I’m living, I want to be all there, in the moment, not drifting away into my own head thinking about something completely irrelevant. Any idea’s on how to get myself out of such dissociation?