“it Scares Me To Think About How I’m Only Alive Because I Don’t Want To Hurt The People I Love”

I’m on probation but too mentally Fukt to even consider staying completely sober so I think I might’ve failed my last drug test n my PO isn’t responding to my email so. Idk I’m kinda planning on killing myself as soon as things start going south lol

hey love,

noooo love. killing yourself won’t solve anything, i know it seems like a nice exit sign, but please don’t follow it. okay so once i wanted to kill myself and the person i confided in told me something that had me a little shook; she told me  “is that what you really want people to think of you? people who said you were fucked up, crazy, you want to just be an other story they’ll get to share about how odd you were and then you killed yourself? prove them wrong, prove every single one of these assholes wrong”

and yep. it’s still one of the reasons why i’m here. prove them wrong. get your act together, sober, and try to be better. i believe you can, i know it’s not easy, but i have faith in you my love. you can get through this. take it one day at the time

xx

me, sitting in my room drowning in rubbish, staring at one spot and not doing anything just feeling numb and lowkey suicidal: what if i faked being mentally ill

I’m Sorry

On nights you lay beside me Can you hear two hearts? One that loves you fully, The other breaking in the dark.

You put your arms around me, I feel the warmth of your soul. Even that cannot give safety To a body that has gone cold.

Honey spills from your sweet mouth I can never get enough If words could save my every doubt, I only need you with me, love.

The heat of your slow, deep breaths The taste of your lips on mine Although I’ve died a hundred slow, deep deaths, I’ve loved you a thousand times.

Each time you take my hand in yours, The times I took a blade in mine, You remind me why I am here for, I love you in this lonely life.

I’m sorry if it hurts to stay, I’m sorry that I feel this way, I’m sorry for the blood and pain, I’m sorry because sorry is all I can ever say.

Why are you still beside me? All I have is a damaged heart. “I love you and I love you fully, I will be with you in the dark.”

i hate that i’m so absent as a person. i don’t start conversations. i can barely maintain them. i’m so weary and spaced out all the time to the point where i can’t even keep up small talk and i’m just so disappointed in myself

one day I will meet a person who won’t find my mind a little too heavy. who won’t tell me to stop thinking and overthinking. someone who understands that loving people so much is who I am. someone that won’t call me a handful. someone who is ready to love with all they have too. someone who wants to take on this world with me by their side. that will be a happy day.

Coming to the conclusion that nobody actually wants me or needs me. I’m unimportant and invisible. I’ll soon disappear and everything will still be the same it’ll be better for everyone, the good thing about people not caring about me