I Don’t Think I Have A Choice

ok to rb.

Loss

I lost someone who was very dear to me. And I should feel sad and grief, but I just don’t.

Is there something wrong with me?

Maybe it’s because I feel this constant sadness all the time, day after day, so it wouldn’t make any difference.

I can’t even cry over it. If I wouldn’t know it any better, I’d say I don’t care. But I really do. It’s just not affecting me emotionally for some reason.

I am bummed out. But I don’t feel this big emotion called Loss.

Or maybe I am just not realizing it right now.

I’m Sorry

On nights you lay beside me Can you hear two hearts? One that loves you fully, The other breaking in the dark.

You put your arms around me, I feel the warmth of your soul. Even that cannot give safety To a body that has gone cold.

Honey spills from your sweet mouth I can never get enough If words could save my every doubt, I only need you with me, love.

The heat of your slow, deep breaths The taste of your lips on mine Although I’ve died a hundred slow, deep deaths, I’ve loved you a thousand times.

Each time you take my hand in yours, The times I took a blade in mine, You remind me why I am here for, I love you in this lonely life.

I’m sorry if it hurts to stay, I’m sorry that I feel this way, I’m sorry for the blood and pain, I’m sorry because sorry is all I can ever say.

Why are you still beside me? All I have is a damaged heart. “I love you and I love you fully, I will be with you in the dark.”

“No matter how hard I try I will always be left out, will never be as important as them, will always be forgotten and the only reason someone calls is because they might need something from me. I feel unwanted and worthless. They make me feel unwanted and worthless. But they’re all I have…”

— (via suicidalnixi)

do you ever feel embarrassed to be in your own skin like please just dont look at me i wish i didnt exist sometimes like i want to disappear because i cannot handle being me 

i can’t even begin to explain how much i hate when someone just interrupts me when i’m in the middle of saying something. like it probably took me a while to get over my social anxiety and actually formulate my thoughts so they come out at least halfway coherent and you just interrupt me and start talking about whatever? that’s fucking rude. i already don’t feel like anything i say is valid enough to be voiced outloud. so thank you for reassuring my shit brain by interrupting me. you just made me feel even more invalidated. thank you so much for that jackass

“I know, this isn’t the right thing to do. But, I’m tired of living… And this is the best way that I could escape this miserable life. I’m trapped within the walls of being alone. No one understands me. No one loves me. I know, if I die I wouldn’t be able to feel pain anymore… Nothing hurts when you’re dead. That’s what I wanted, to feel no more pain. I’m tired of this world. Mom, Dad, I’m so sorry because I won’t be able to continue your dreams for me. I’m so sorry for being pesky, rude and hard-headed. Sorry for the things that I made you cry and worry. Even though, my life was completely messed up, you’re always there for me. Cheering me up, supporting and providing things for me. But now, I caused you another trouble, don’t worry, this would be the last.. Thank you for everything, I will always love you both… see you soon. For you, I’m sorry for causing you so much pain and loneliness. I didn’t mean to leave you behind. I don’t want to end everything but… I’m having a battle inside of me. And unfortunately, I lose. That’s why I’m here, on the other side of the horizon. A place not on the physical world. Don’t worry, I will always be in your heart. Loving you from a distance. I will always protect you, guide you and be with you. I don’t want to see you sad and cry again, please. Explore and wander things that life has to offer which I probably can’t do anymore. My body will decay, but my love for you will be forever. I will always be here, till we meet again. On my bed, you will see photographs and things that were important to me. I kept those things for years. It’s like a piece of me, so please keep them as if you’re caring me. If you miss me, come and find me in your heart. I’m so sorry, I can’t continue my life anymore. I’m sick of this world. I’m tired of being beaten and left behind. My life sucks. Please open the door, I want to be free.”

— suicide letter, 11/1714 2:44am

“What is an “instant” death anyway? How long is an instant? Is it one second? Ten? The pain of those seconds must have been awful as her heart burst and her lungs collapsed and there was no air and no blood to her brain and only raw panic. What the hell is instant? Nothing is instant. Instant rice takes five minutes, instant pudding an hour. I doubt that an instant of blinding pain feels particularly instantaneous.”

— John Green, Looking for Alaska