What Was I Made For?

How is it that something I only started for a couple days, I could forget so easily? Welp, looks like it is time to get back on track.

Day 8:

What do you hate about others? Why? What might that say about yourself?

Hate is such a strong word and I feel like there is so very little that I hate but if I had to categorize something, it would be the fact that people choose to hate others. What I am referring to is when people hate people who have to get abortions, people who are going through the journey of transition, people who fall in love with the same sex, or just people who choose to use their religion to spew hate.

I am in no way saying that people should all think one way because that would be ridiculous but at some point we have to stop letting hate rule our lives. If it is not hurting others, animals, or objectively morally wrong, I believe people should just be able to live their lives how they choose.

As for what that says about me, I think it just means that I am open-minded and mind my business, in general. There are always new things that I am learning every day and I will stumble every once in a while but I will never let hate ruin my heart. It is so toxic and I refuse to be someone that people dread to be around.

What are my red flags and green flags?

Let’s start with the positives, my green flags. I might sound like a broken record but I have so much love to give and it shows everyday. I am always thinking of everyone else around me in little ways. Someone needs to vent? I’m there to listen. Oh, something of yours is broken? Come use it at my place to make your life easier. I’m out at the store and something reminds me of you, I’ll get it because I know it’ll make you happy. Have you eaten today? Let me stop and get you something. I like to give people the benefit of the doubt and I like to think the best of people. I know it’s coming off like I’m a people pleaser (obviously I want people to like me) but I just want to make sure everyone around me is taken care of.

Now, some of my red flags are that I value my pride and bottle up my emotions tight. I know that is a learned behavior from watching my parents interact with each other and that I am more like them than I care to admit. Since I love so deeply, once someone fucks me over, they’re dead to me. And I know that’s not healthy and I’m working on it but that’s how I’ve always been. The thought of being made to look stupid after I have done so much for a person is my biggest fear. And if that ever does happen, I probably won’t even address how that made me feel, I’ll just bottle up my emotions and keep it moving. Again, I feel like it correlate with being embarrassed because what if they don’t care what I have to say? What if it was all a game to begin with? While there could be some truth to that, I know that’s my brain self-sabotaging me too. In my heart I know that I should address the person if I ever feel wronged in some way because there might be a chance to fix the things that bother me. Or even if it’s just to get things off my chest in the moment to avoid the pain of it hurting me in random moments later in the future. I know this is something I have to unlearn too and I am trying to do better but it hasn’t been something that I’ve felt comfortable doing. I’m going to start small and go from there.

I have spent my whole life swimming

Fighting the currents

Trying to reach the shore

But I am tired

Of giving it my all

Only for the waves to pull me back

So instead I float

To avoid drowning

I can see the shore

I can make it

If the waves don't engulf me first.

Source details and larger version.

Connecting the dots: constellations in the skies of old.

“They say when you meet the love of your life, time stops, and that's true. What they don't tell you is that when it starts again, it moves extra fast to catch up.” - Edward Bloom

Big Fish (2003)

Write an apology letter to yourself.

Dear Me,

I am sorry for what you have been through. I am sorry for the pain that you have had to endure. I am sorry that life has dulled your spark.

But most of all, I am sorry for how long it has taken me to forgive myself. I have been so hard on myself and for what? I mean, look at me! Despite it all, I am still here.

You joke about your trauma to make it easier but it is still trauma. Be kind to yourself and let everything fall in to place. You are a survivor who is trying their best despite the odds they have been given. It is time to be soft and delicate and to stop scrapping with life.

You are made of gold and diamonds and you are not glass. You might fall under pressure but you always rise to the challenge.

Do not let this world continue to ruin your beautiful heart. You love so wholeheartedly and I am so proud of that despite everything we have been through. Despite everything you have witnessed growing up.

We got this and I forgive me for using my past as an excuse at every step in my life. It is time to grow up and realize that yes, you have been dealt shitty cards but it will not always be that way. Start a new game or fold and move on but do not let it continue to drag you down. Stop being weighed down by the past.

Your dad was an angry man who you have let affect you all your life but he is dead now and you are here. Your mom is an alcoholic who regrets so many of her choices but she is not you. I am made of both of my parents but I do not have to be like them. I am so much better than them.

Learn and move on but stop making excuses.

Love,

Me.

And you’d know I’d say, “the last time I drank, I was face-down, passed out there on your lawn.”

Orange Juice, Noah Kahan

What are your self-sabotaging habits?

After MUCH self-reflection, I have realized that I have several things that I do that have led to me sabotaging myself. I doubt myself at every turn, I compare myself to other, and I never follow through for many things.

And if that isn't the holy trinity of a sure way to fail, I don't know what is.

For some reason, every time I start to think of the future or even think of starting a relationship with someone, doubt is the first thing that creeps into my mind. There's a really good job that I want to transition to? NOPE, they would never hire me. You really want to be in a relationship with that guy you really like? NOPE, he is only using you and wants someone skinnier. I don't know why my brain is set up to automatically put me down but that is something I am unlearning. As soon as any inkling of self-doubt starts creeping in I try to nip it in the bud. Because the first thing you learn when manifesting is that there should be no doubt, whatever I want is already mine. Why wouldn't I be able to start a new job? They would be lucky to have someone with so many transferable skills. Why wouldn't a man I am talking to want to get in a relationship? They would be lucky to have someone like me with so much love to give.

Something else I have had to unlearn is to stop comparing myself to others. I was busy trying to survive and I'm finally at a place where I know I can do so much more with my life. I love my friends and family and want nothing but the best for them but I find myself wishing I was at the same place in life they're currently at. Or even seeing someone on the street and wishing I looked like them. Comparison is the root of all my evils and I'm trying my best to celebrate myself everyday instead of trying to fix myself. I have many flaws but I am perfect the way I am. I would not change anything about me because it made me the person I am today. I am so much more compassionate, loving, and understanding because of the live I have been dealt and I am better for it.

Finally, another habit I am trying to break is building positive habits and actually sticking to them. Like eating healthier, keeping my spaces clean, keeping up with schoolwork, or even working out consistently. These are all things I have struggled with in the past but I am determined to be different this year. I am only 31 and I have so much life left and I don't want to spend it wondering "what if?" I had just stuck to my goals. Because "what if it all works out?"