Day 9:

what was i made for?

“ophelia” by john everett millais but it’s barbie and for the sake of this concept let’s pretend that there is in fact water in barbieland

How is it that something I only started for a couple days, I could forget so easily? Welp, looks like it is time to get back on track.

Day 12:

How do you feel about “love”?

Based on the toxic loveless marriage my parents had while I was growing up, I am very cynical when it comes to love. I believe that love might exist but it will never be the fairytale love that I have dreamed about since I was a child. I used to dream of finding someone who made me feel protected, wanted, and safe. But where I am now in life, I do not believe that that kind of love could exist.

But I wish it were different. I wish I was quick to fall in love and that I could see a future with someone but at the rate that I am going, I think that I will never find that person. There is still an inkling of hope that I will always have but I am more realistic when it comes to love.

I always say that I never want kids but that is not true. Somedays I want to be a mother so bad but I know that I will never be able to do it on my own. And I refuse to bring children into this world if they are forced to grow up in the same conditions that I did. I refuse to have kids with someone who will not take responsibility. I refuse to be with someone who was just like my father.

So, for now, I will continue protecting my peace until someone comes along who can change my mind.

Isaac Snowman - Slumber (n.d.)

Day 4:

If you could get rid of one bad memory, what would it be and why?

The one memory I would get rid of is from the hospital the day my dad woke up after losing his voice. Not to make a horrible situation that happened to my dad all about me but that day was so very traumatic. I remember that they had told us that he had cancer from smoking cigarettes but I did not think it was going to be as bad as it was.

It was nighttime when he finally woke up and the room was packed to capacity with people checking up on him. But he woke up so frustrated and angry and all he was doing was grunting and trying to write. He was trying so hard to tell us what he needed and nothing would come out. It was the saddest moment of my life because he was a man who filled any room with his loud voice and laughter.

I remember that everyone around me was crying and that frustrated him even more. Every time he saw someone crying he would start banging things next to him. So instead of crying like everyone else around me, I stayed stoic. I tried my hardest to be the person he needed at that moment. I tried my best and I succeeded, but at what cost?

I mean here I am more than 10 years later and that memory still haunts me. The guilt still lingers.

I feel guilty because before he lost his voice he used to scream all the time. He used to scream so much that we thought his voice was hoarse from the yelling, not cancer. But it was too much for me; I remember I used to pray for him to stop screaming. I used to pray for some peace and quiet and when I finally had it, it was mortifying.

I can't remember his voice, I think that is the worst part.

He died in 2020 after they amputated both of his legs and told him they were going to have to take his arm too. He lived such a miserable life that I was so happy when he finally passed. He no longer had to suffer and neither did I. And while the death certificate is only 3 years old, I truly believe that the day he lost his voice is the day he died inside.

Am I hiding something from myself?

One of the main things I’m hiding from myself is how badly I want to be loved and to find a man to spend the rest of my life with. I joke around and say that I’d rather be single for the rest of my life but I yearn for someone to love me wholeheartedly. And don’t say that I shouldn’t rely on someone else to feel love and that I should love myself because I do!! I love myself so much!! But what is it wrong with me that people don’t want to be with me romantically? I want to be a mother, I want someone to spend the rest of my life with, I want someone to do life with.

But I don’t want any of that with the wrong person. I refuse to subject a child to the same life I had to grow up in. So as bad as I may want it, I can wait for my time a little bit longer; I’ve already waited this long.

I believe that the universe truly has something beautiful waiting for me and I look forward to the day that it’s finally my turn. Until then, I’ll continue to hide my urge to be loved behind jokes.

“It was one of the best days of my life, a day during which I lived my life and didn’t think about my life at all.”

— Jonathan Safran Foer Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close

Day 10:

What do you need to let go of?

I need to let go of the trauma my parents put me through. I need to let go of everything that happened to me growing up and instead become a better person because of it. I need to stop swearing off people, things, and opportunities because I am terrified of ending up like my parents.

My mom and dad were so toxic together that I used to hope that they would divorce but they "stayed together for the kids." But that is bullshit, they stayed together because it was easier and because they were selfish. And I look back and I refuse to ever go through that and because I am holding onto that I have been so scared to love that I have closed off completely. I think that I am unlovable.

I know that it is all in my head but there are so many years of watching my parents hate each other, makeup, abuse each other, dance, drink, and smoke themselves to death, and the cycle would just continue.

I do not want to fall into that cycle but I fear that I have created a whole new toxic cycle instead.

aura

Shadow Work Prompts

With my last post being about shadow work, I thought I’d give y’all some prompts to use.

How does the feeling of envy show up in your life?

What do you need more of in your life?

What do you love most about yourself?

If you could get rid of one bad memory, what would it be and why?

In what ways are you inauthentic?

What irrational fears do you have and how do they hold you back?

Do you hold grudges against others that could be let go? What’s your motive for holding onto them?

What do you hate about others? Why? What might that say about yourself?

What do you need to stop running away from?

What do you need to let go of?

What should you attract into your life?

How do you feel about “love”?

Why do you think you don’t deserve love?

What do you minimize about yourself? What do you flaunt?

How do you deal with criticism?

How do you perceive pain?

Why haven’t you dealt with your past before?

What don’t you like about your life? Why? How can you change it?

How often do you lie to yourself and what about?

What emotion(s) do you try to avoid? Why don’t you want to feel those ways?

Write a letter to someone who hurt you and then burn it.

How does your inner child see you?

How are you deceiving yourself?

What does success mean to you? How are you standing in your own way?

What is going on in your life that you are actively ignoring?

What keeps you motivated?

What inspires you?

Who or what is making your life difficult? How can you deal with it constructively?

How have you been betrayed in your life? What did it teach you?

How has your voice been stifled in the past?

What areas of your life do you excel in?

What are the most important/integral things you have learned over the past few years?

In what ways are you too defensive? Why?

How are you pessimistic in your own life?

Why do you not trust others?

What hardships have you overcome? How has it changed you?

What are you doing to pursue your dreams?

What do you still need to forgive yourself for?

What did that relationship teach you? (you know the one… that one)

How can you maintain your individuality?

In what ways can you be more true to yourself?

In what ways are you lying to yourself? Why?

How can you lead with your heart in your life?

How have your dreams fallen short of reality?

What is your relationship with your mother like?

What is your relationship with your father like?

Write a letter to your inner child. Maybe apologize for what has happened to them and that you couldn’t protect them, tell them how far you have come and how much you have done. Say whatever comes to mind.

How have you been a martyr/victim in your own life?

I’ll keep this post updated with more prompts when I find them