Forgive Me Lord For I Have Imagined A Life Far More Soft And Tender Than The One You Created For Me

forgive me lord for I have imagined a life far more soft and tender than the one you created for me

HOME ; kth

pairing: kim taehyung x reader

genre: ANGST!!!, exes2lovers

word count: approx. 2.5k

summary: you run into your ex-boyfriend at a bar. the only problem is that you are still very much in love with him. — anon‘s request is here.

warnings: so. much. angst., crying, alcohol, did i mention angst, kissing, swearing

songs i listened to whilst writing: hold me down — daniel caesar

a/n: my requests were close but anon requested heavy angst and i took that and ran with it. i LOVE writing angst because i enjoy inflicting pain! (just kidding) i hope you like it anon, and i’m sorry it took a while!!

Blind dates sucked ass.

That was the one thing you were sure of, as you sat at the bar, swirling a glass of water — you’d been tempted to order something stronger, because God, you were tired. It was Friday, and you’d had a long week at work. You hadn’t wanted to come on this stupid blind date anyway, but your best friend had insisted. You’d tried telling her that you still hadn’t really moved on from Him, but she wasn’t having it. So here you were, perched at a bar, completely sober and completely alone — the guy had stood you up.

It was humiliating, being the only person in the bar alone. Everybody else was with a group of friends, or with a partner; and judging by the pitying glances some people had thrown you, it was embarrassingly obvious that you’d been ditched.

You huffed our a breath and glanced at your watch. It had been fifty three minutes — it was time you accepted the dude wasn’t showing up. You downed the glass of water, and made to grab your purse — but before you could slide off the stool, a painfully familiar voice sounded behind you.

“YN?”

You froze, your back to the speaker, and a thousand thoughts raced through your mind, tumbling and tripping all over each other. And then you turned around and suddenly your chest was tight and your throat was closing and your eyes were stinging because it was Him, it was Kim Taehyung standing right in front of you.

The first thing you realised was that he looked good. No, good wasn’t the right word — he looked better than good. Even when the two of you had dated — because that’s what you were, you were exes — he had always been beautiful.

“Tae?” you croaked in surprise.

His already round eyes widened even further when you called him that, and you cursed yourself silently. You couldn’t call him that, not anymore.

“YN,” he repeated in a soft breath, lowering the mask on his face, and there was something you couldn’t read behind the surprise in his eyes.

He used to call you angel, not YN. He used to say it was because you were his guardian angel.

You let out a breathy laugh. “Wow — I — hi! What — what are you doing here?”

Taehyung smiled slightly and took a seat next to you at the bar. His jeans brushed your bare knee as he did so and you swallowed thickly. He gestured to the two people standing next to him, and with a jolt you realised it was Hobi and Jimin underneath those face masks. “You remember Hobi and Jimin, right?” Taehyung asked cautiously.

You nodded, reaching up to hug the two men tightly. “Yeah, of course I do!” Taehyung’s friends weren’t easy to forget. All six of them were so welcoming and bright and happy, that soon into your relationship, you’d felt they were your best friends too. You missed them.

Hobi and Jimin hugged you back tightly, full of how have you been and how is Jia, and how is your job and did you know how much we missed you.

Then Jimin exhaled and clapped his hands. “Hyung, let’s dance,” he declared, grabbing Hoseok and dragging him to the dance floor as you giggled.

Taehyung remained in his seat,and he quirked a brow at you, a habit you knew so well it hurt. “So, what are you doing here? On your own?”

You laughed slightly bitterly. “You remember my best friend Jia?” He nodded. “She set me up on some blind date today. The guy didn’t show up.”

Taehyung’s face dropped. “Bastard,” he cursed emphatically. “I’m sorry, angel.”

Both of you froze at the nickname, which had slipped so automatically off his tongue. You exhaled shakily and then shrugged. “Don’t be. I didn’t really want to be here anyway.”

You blinked and then decided to give Taehyung the easy way out of this conversation — you would leave and he could enjoy the rest of his night. “I was actually just about to leave.”

You made to get up, but a warm hand grabbing your own stopped you. “Wait!” Taehyung blurted. “At least let me buy you a drink,” he added slower. “I want — wanted to catch up. Only — only if you want to, of course!” he added hastily, and you could tell how flustered he was getting, with reddened cheeks and stumbling words.

You smiled softly. “I’d love to,” you said, and sat back down. Then you darted a glance to the dance floor — “They won’t mind?”

He shrugged. “Nah. I wouldn’t be able to keep up with their dancing anyway.”

“I don’t know,” you teased lightly. “From what I remember, you’re just as good as them.”

He shook his head vehemently, a laugh bubbling out of his chest. Something in your chest tightens at the sound, because God, you forgot how well you knew him. You knew every nervous habit, what every flick of the eyes meant — you knew he hated half the alcoholic drinks in existence, loved Bing Crosby — you knew how he’d dance to jazz music while he made you pancakes in the morning. You knew how he’d grab you by the arm and force you to dance with him. How he’d feed you a bite of anything he ordered, even if you ordered the same thing — how he’d insist of having a bite of your own and claim that yours tasted better.

There was a lump in your throat, and suddenly you couldn’t meet his eyes. Your eyes flicked to the bartender, who Taehyung had just flagged down.

“Soju for me, and…“ he glanced to you with an easy smile that sent your heart fluttering. “You still drink margaritas, right?”

You nodded, and as the bartender left, you couldn’t help a strained smile. “Can’t believe you still remember my order.”

Something in his face softened. “Of course I remember,” he murmured. And suddenly the air was thick with tension, thick with all the things the two of you never said, and all the things you did say.

The breakup last year was one of the hardest things that ever happened to you. You had never stopped loving Taehyung — how could you? He was so easy to love, so hard to hate. You couldn’t hate him — he could hate you, though. The way you left him; you were letting him go, because how could you make him stay with you? When he was one of the most famous men alive?

Simply put, he was too good for you, and while you knew that, he didn’t. He’d begged you to stay, and you hadn’t. It was really your decision to leave, and yet here you were with tears stinging the back of your eyes and your nails digging into the palm of your skin.

“Don’t do that,” he said suddenly, and he took your hands gently in his, carefully unfurling them so your nails were no longer digging onto your skin. “You’ll hurt yourself,” he murmured, but you could still hear him over the thumping bass in the bar.

You swallowed as you watched him bent over your hands. Your throat was closing up, painfully tight and no matter how much you swallowed, it stayed that way. “Taehyung,” you choked out, and he finally looked up from your hands, and his expression immediately morphed into one of concern.

“Let’s get out of here,” he said decisively, and throwing a bill down on the bar and shouting to the bartender to forget the drinks, he took your hand and led you outside the bar. Luckily, people were too wrapped up in each other to notice BTS’ V holding a random person’s hand.

He didn’t let go of your hand once the two of you were outside, either. Instead, he kept it in his as he pulled you down the street, and the scene was so familiar but so painful that you could have sobbed. The two of you had gone for late night walks often, and it had always been just like this — him leading the way, your hand tiny inside his. And then he’d tell you you looked cold and give you his stupid scarf, the scarf you still had at the back of your wardrobe because he had refused to take it back, telling you that you would be cold without it. What he didn’t know was that you felt cold without him.

Taehyung led you to a park bench — not just any park bench, your park bench, the same park bench the two of you always sat at, whether it was one of your midnight adventures or an afternoon walk or an early morning coffee shop visit. The two of you sat in silence, but he never released your hand. He clung to it tightly — you remembered that about him. He always clung to your hand like a lifeline, like it was the only thing keeping him grounded.

Before, you would have leant your head on his shoulder. Maybe asked him to sing for you. Ask him to cuddle you. No matter what you asked, he always did it without complaint — until you asked him to let you go.

Taehyung was the one to break the silence first. “You left without saying goodbye,” he whispered, and there was something so excruciatingly pained in the way his voice cracked that finally forced the tears out of your eyes until they were slipping down your cheeks.

“I’m sorry,” you choked out. “Tae, I’m sorry, I’m so fucking sorry, I really — I don’t — ”

He cut you off with a gentle, “Shh.” And then he was pulling you into his arms, smoothing your hair down. “Don’t cry,” he begged. “Please don’t cry, I hate it when you cry. It’s okay, angel, it’s okay. You’re okay.”

“It’s not,” you sobbed into his chest. “It’s not okay, I hurt you really bad and I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay,” he repeated thickly, and that was when you realised he was crying too.

“I’m such a bitch,” you said angrily, pulling back and wiping tears from your face. “I hurt you so much and I didn’t even give you the reason.”

Because it was true — you hadn’t told Taehyung that you weren’t good enough for him; you knew he wouldn’t understand, wouldn’t believe it, and so you simply hadn’t given a reason, just asked him to let you go. And he’d fought you, begged you to stay, until both of your throats were hoarse from fighting and crying, and then he’d given in. “If that’s really what you want,” he’d said, and you had felt your heart shatter at those words because of course it wasn’t what you wanted. But you had needed to do it, for him.

“It’s okay,” he repeated now, carefully wiping tears from your cheek — in vain, though, because they just kept falling.

“I’m sorry,” you sobbed again. “I’m really sorry, I should have told you why, I really don’t — ”

“How many times do I have to tell you it’s okay until you believe me?” he said sadly and he pulled you back against his chest, his arms wrapping around you tightly. You remembered him holding you like this all the time, and you’d told him, ages ago, it had made you feel safe. He’d loved that.

“I asked you to let me go because I thought I wasn’t good enough for you,” you confessed finally, your voice small, and muffled by the fabric of his clothes.

You felt him stiffen. “What?” he said sharply, and you sucked in a breath. You knew this would be exactly how he reacted.

He pulled back to cradle your face in his huge hands. “What the fuck, YN?” he said tightly. “You — you thought what? Why the fuck would you ever think that?”

Your eyes flicked away from his intense gaze, and again, you swallowed painfully. “I’m sorry,” you repeated, your voice small.

“Angel,” he whispered. “Look at me.”

You looked at him, looked at the tears filling his eyes and the tremble of his lips. He was so close to you, so close that it hurt.

“You idiot,” he saidsoftly, without any real feeling behind it. “You were — you are — always, always enough for me. You were more than enough for me, you made me so fucking happy! You were everything to me, why couldn’t you see that? Why can’t you see that?”

Your only response was to hitch a breath, voice breaking as you murmur his name. “Tae...”

But he wasn’t finished. “If anything, I’m sorry,” he said thickly. “That I didn’t show you enough how much you meant to me.”

You shook your head. “No. No, that’s not true, you showed me it more than enough times, Tae, this wasn’t your fault.”

And then he dropper his head on your shoulder, pushing it into the crook of your neck, and you held him there, suddenly overwhelmed with memories because the two of you had sat here on this same park bench in the same position countless times, but this time it was killing you both.

“I’m sorry,” he was mumbling into your neck. “Please don’t go.”

The last sentence stole your breath, because you were thrust back to the memory of that night, the night where you left him. He’d asked you a thousand times, please don’t go. And then he’d said he’d let you go, but he‘d asked you to stay one last night, and he’d looked so heartbroken you didn’t have the heart to refuse him. And so you slept one last night in his arms, wtih his head pushed into the crook of your neck and the remnants of tears on both your faces. You’d woken up before him, and his limbs were entangled with yours and he was holding you so tightly, like he was afraid you would slip away.

He was right. You did exactly that. You slipped out of his arms. You made him pancakes, and left them on the kitchen surface. And then you’d pressed one gentle kiss to the forehead of the sleeping man, and walked straight out of his life.

“YN, angel, please,” he said now, raising his head to look you in the eye beseechingly. “Please, can we try again? I need you, it always hurts without you with me, I really need you.”

You hesitated, and then you wiped the tears form your face and tried a shaky smile. “Yes. Yes, please, I want to try again, I want to stay with you.”

Something in his face brightened and he pulled you into his arms even tighter Han before and then he was kissing the top of your head over and over, whispering, ”God, I missed you like hell.”

“I missed you too,” uou whispered hoarsely into him, and then the two of you leant back to look each other in the eye. You don’t know how made the first move, just that suddenly the two of you were kissing, melting into each other — and finally, the tightness in your chest loosened. You were home.

349 notes View Post

hugoraph

3 years ago

all i see is you

READ ON AO3

✎ tentitoo ❝ 9k ⚐ teen

Namjoon goes to the music menu and selects the Playlists option. The first few playlists are regular playlists that everyone (including Namjoon himself) has – workout playlist, study playlist, road trip playlist… – and, apparently, the rest are all their song guides organised by album and era. Namjoon scrolls all the way to the bottom until he reaches the last playlist and abruptly stops in the middle of the sidewalk.

Namjoonie. The name of the last playlist is Namjoonie.

Or, Seokjin lends his jacket to Namjoon and he finds an old iPod inside one of its pocket. Out of curiosity, Namjoon looks through Seokjin’s music and finds a playlist titled Namjoonie.

11 notes View Post

hugoraph

3 years ago

i really THOUGHT tae would bring oc home to be 'an evening meal' for him and his friends, but THANK GOD HE'S JUST A REALLY SWEET LOVER CAN I PLEASE DATE HIM RN

↳ Index [Chapter 07 - Sidus]

Pairing: Taehyung x f.Reader

Warnings: none just the CUTEST FKCING DATE!!! and Taehyung being the dream man

Wordcount: 6k

a/n: this is self-indulgent and I am not ashamed to admit it lmao

Taehyung closes the door behind him as carefully as possible.

“Quiet now darling, we don’t want to wake my roommates”, he whispers, holding your hand as he is tiptoeing through the entrance hall with you.

“Okay, okay I got it”, you whisper back, stifling a giggle. You are walking on your tiptoes again, looking left and right every so often.

Sneaking around with him makes you feel like you are ten again. As if you and your childhood crush came home late from playing outside the entire day, now sneaking through the corridors and hoping that your parents wouldn’t wake. With your hand tightly clasped by his’ you tiptoe up the stairs. The moon illuminates your way.

“Stop laughing”, Taehyung warns quietly, looking over his shoulder. He carries fondness in his eyes and a mischievous grin on his lips.

“Sorry I just can’t help it. This is so exciting”, you whisper, hiding your mouth behind your hand.

Taehyung smiles fondly, pulling you closer.

“Hush darling”, he whispers, nuzzling his face into your hair and pinching your sides playfully.

“Tae”, you squeak, “stop it this is-”, you giggle loudly.

“Quiet darling, quiet”, he teases, tickling you gently.

You giggle and squirm, hiding your face in his chest.

“You’re not helping”, you whine.

Taehyung laughs fondly before leaning in to kiss your cheek.

“You are beyond adorable."

You lift your head, gazing at his pretty face. Like silver porcelain. His skin looks beautiful in the moonlight. You can’t stop yourself from reaching out and touching his cheek, running your thumb along the soft skin under his eye.

He leans into the touch, turning his head so he is able to kiss your palm. He does so with his eyes closed. It makes your heart flutter and your skin tingle.

“Come now”, he breaks away from you, holding your hand again, “let’s hurry.”

Keep reading

373 notes View Post

hugoraph

2 years ago

oh man this one HURTS so fucking bad. i would do anything to bring the old team back, to bring poch with dele, jan, toby, dembele, coco together again and this time we will shine even brighter than before