Hope Is A Skill

“Do you like girls?”

“I don’t know.”

“Do you like boys?”

“I don’t know. I think I like TV shows.”

I remember when I was in middle school all the other girls were talking about the guys they liked and I said I didn’t like anyone. I just wanted to do my own thing.

I didn’t really get why I would want to date anyone. I understood friendship, companionship— having someone to share my interests and mutually info dump to sounded cool— but I struggled to understand the appeal of spending every day and every night with someone else. Of holding hands and going on dates. 

This led to a lot of homophobic bullying and a few of them would act disgusted that I might be into them. Constantly acting like I was looking at their boobs and sexualizing them (I never made eye contact with anyone and would frequently look at the wall or space out while looking in their general direction). Or make a big show of not being interested and many other things.

I didn’t get this either. I didn’t know why I would be interested in any of them. They treated me poorly and I thought attraction was something people made up and simply just claimed to feel towards other people.

Just like I never understood celebrity crushes. You don’t know the person so how could you possibly know you liked them? And I never understood how people “chose” who they dated. Did they just choose whoever they liked hanging out with the most?

But any time I voiced this it was always met with worse and worse reactions. It led to isolation among peers and my family. My parents made it pretty clear I wasn’t who they wanted me to be. That I wasn’t normal.

I soon learned to fake it. Pretend I understood it.

The idea of not being attracted to anyone seemed like a foreign idea to most people I met. Even when I branched out and moved away, I met a few people in the lgbt community who couldn’t grasp it either and reacted poorly and it made me feel stupid. Like maybe I wasn’t just screwed up to people who fit in the neat little box society wants you to fit in, but to everyone else as well.

Maybe I was wrong. If it’s an impossibility even in this community that champions diversity and acceptance then can that really be my reality?

I kept trying to force it. To date, but every time I did I always felt that same skin crawling discomfort and it always petered out. It didn’t matter who it was or what gender. It always felt wrong. It was suffocating.

I don’t think there’s a movie that better portrays that all consuming, suffocating stagnation of feeling so out of place– knowing you’re out of place compared to those around you– and in response forcing yourself to fit what other people expect of you than I Saw the TV Glow.

Whenever I think back to growing up or whenever I return home that same feeling this movie is centered around always drenches my experiences.

And even now it’s hard to put into words when I talk to other people what I’ve felt when it comes to this aspect of my life.

That comment from Owen about knowing there’s nothing there when talking about romance and attraction, but being too afraid to look and knowing that his parents know something is wrong with him hit harder than any other scene from a movie I’ve watched this year.

It’s that absence of something that is at the heart of asexuality that makes me always question what I choose to identify as when I have to explain it to someone. Because for the most part my explanation boils down to (in broad oversimplified terms): I’ve never felt attraction, I’m more interested in watching a Spider-Man movie than I’ve ever been into even just the idea of dating, every time I’ve attempted to date it’s been uncomfortable and I’ve actively dodged anything beyond friendship while in the “relationship”.

And when I try to voice that to another person it always feels like those experiences don’t hold water. That’s describing the absence of something. There’s no real proof of the identity.

With being bi or gay or lesbian there’s something you can I don’t know—point to?— that can help you know your identity.

And that’s the fact that you’ve experienced attraction towards one or more people of one or more genders.

It’s defined not by the lack of something but the presence of an experience.

And so every time I try and explain it I end up feeling stupid. Like I just haven’t tried hard enough to find someone compatible. That I need to get back into the proverbial saddle and try again. I always in some way feel ashamed and backtrack as a result.

This is in no way to say that it’s harder or easier to be one identity or the another. Everyone’s experiences are different and everyone experiences are valid. This is just a struggle I’ve found that’s unique to asexuality that many people I’ve talked to have also experienced.

I haven’t felt that part of my experience be seen in media until I saw this movie. Maybe I’m latching onto what I can get or maybe that was an intrinsic part of the movie. That’s not important. What’s important is that it’s something I felt seen in even if it was literally just one scene.

This is my really long winded and roundabout way of saying that I really think this movie is going to stick with me much longer than any other thing I’ve seen this year.

Things can be hard to put into words and as a result I tend to keep things inside. I’m fairly certain I’m ace but it might turn out I’m on a different romantic spectrum then I thought or I fall somewhere different than I thought on the ace spectrum. I don’t know what I’ll discover in the future.

I’m likely not going to express my label out loud to anyone but a select few. I still can’t express this particular label out loud to many people. My family is definitely never going to hear it. A friend or two might.

It’s something I struggle with on a regular basis. I’m fine with identifying with the label in my head—in a lot of ways it makes me feel comfortable and happy— but any time I try to voice it the words die in my throat and I can’t help but feel ashamed. It’s easier to just tell people I don’t want to date right now. That there are all these factors in the way (finances, time, jobs, etc) than it is to try and explain what I’ve just rambled about above.

I know many people have felt and understood that experience and I hope people know they’re valid. You can express your identity with your full chest, shout it from the rooftops and let people know, or you can keep it to yourself, identifying as your label solely in your head. Both experiences are valid. And if your label changes at some point in your life that doesn’t make what you chose to identify as at this point any less valid too. People are always learning and growing. You can gain a new understanding of yourself as time move forward.

Sorry for the way too long ramble. This movie made me feel things.

depression tips™

shower. not a bath, a shower. use water as hot or cold as u like. u dont even need to wash. just get in under the water and let it run over you for a while. sit on the floor if you gotta.

moisturize everything. use whatever lotion u like. unscented? dollar store lotion? fancy ass 48 hour lotion that makes u smell like a field of wildflowers? use whatever you want, and use it all over. 

put on clean, comfortable clothes. 

put on ur favorite underwear. cute black lacy panties? those ridiculous boxers u bought last christmas with candy cane hearts on the butt? put em on.

drink cold water. use ice. if u want, add some mint or lemon for an extra boost.

clean something. doesn’t have to be anything big. organize one drawer of ur desk. wash five dirty dishes. do a load of laundry. scrub the bathroom sink. 

blast music. listen to something upbeat and dancey and loud, something that’s got lots of energy. sing to it, dance to it, even if you suck at both.

make food. don’t just grab a granola bar to munch. take the time and make food. even if it’s ramen. add something special to it, like a hard boiled egg or some veggies. prepare food, it tastes way better, and you’ll feel like you accomplished something. 

make something. write a short story or a poem, draw a picture, color a picture, fold origami, crochet or knit, sculpt something out of clay, anything artistic. even if you don’t think you’re good at it.

go outside. take a walk. sit in the grass. look at the clouds. smell flowers. put your hands in the dirt and feel the soil against your skin.

call someone. call a loved one, a friend, a family member, call a chat service if you have no one else to call. talk to a stranger on the street. have a conversation and listen to someone’s voice. if you can’t, text or email or whatever, just have some social interaction with another person. even if you don’t say much, listen to them.

cuddle your pets if you have them/can cuddle them. take pictures of them. talk to them. tell them how u feel, about your favorite movie, a new game coming out.

Look i straight up need the reference of every single book and quote and lyric in this godforsaken quiz bc i never read such beautiful thoughts. I know most of them have the source in the quiz but if you could make a compilation? Like this is your thesis and I'm asking for the bibliography, like any normal human does after a uquiz. But honestly thank you for creating the quiz it was amazing!

hehe okay friend I’ve spent a couple minutes in a google doc and I’m pretty sure I’ve got all of it now so! Under the cut is that bibliography! This is honestly such a sweet ask and I’m sorry it took me so long to get back to it! I hope you enjoy and I’m so glad you liked the quiz. I honestly got a lot of the quotes from the poems or books I haven't read from @riperain so you should check her out if you’re interested in more!

The majority of my Sleeping at Last quotes come from Atlas Ennanagram but honestly I would recommend checking out the premise for the entirety of the Atlas project, mostly because I just think its basically the coolest fucking concept hehe

In terms of quotes we have:

“Then you hold life like a face between your palms, a plain face, no charming smile, no violet eyes, and you say, yes, I will take you I will love you, again” - Ellen Bass, the Thing Is

“As the image of myself becomes sharper in my brain & more precious, I feel less afraid that someone else will erase me by denying me love.” - Jenny Slate, this tweet

“The world digs a hole in your yard & its up to you to fill it, up to you to find something useful to do with your sadness.” - Hieu Minh Nguyen, Outbound

“I wanted to hurt you but the victory was that I couldn’t stomach it.” - Richard Siken, Snow and Dirty Rain

“‘I thought you had been scared off’ 'You were right. I am scared. Do all lovers feel they’re inventing something? I know the gestures. I imagined it all, waiting for you.’ 'You dreamt of me?’ 'No, I thought of you’” Portrait of a Lady on Fire 

“The truth is this: My love for you is the only empire I will ever build. When it falls, as all empires do, my career in empire building will be over” Mindy Nettifee, This is The Nonsense of Love

“Should we go into it together / If I go into it with you I will never come out” (Margaret Atwood, from power politics: poems)

The books on my shelf I reference by title only are I Hear God Laughing a collection of poems by Hafez translated by Daniel Ladinsky, The Story Cure by Ella Berthoud and Susan Elderkin, How to Be a Good Creature by Sy Montgomery, Mister Miracle (my personal favorite comic) written by Tom King Illustrated by Mitch Gerads, On Earth We're Briefly Gorgeous by Ocean Vuong, All The Lives We Ever Lived by Katharine Smyth, and Stranger in A Strange Land by Robert A. Heinlein. I haven’t actually read Creature, Stranger, and All The Lives, but all the others I would definietly recommend (although perhaps look up content warnings first).

The Bo Burnham lyrics are from Art is Dead, Left Brain Right Brain, Can’t Handle This/Kanye Rant, A Song From The Perspective of God, and Are You Happy.

The playlist of the songs referenced can be listened to here (with a few fun others!) 

And then, other than referencing the song Hannah by Freelance Whales and Robert Frost’s The Road Not Taken (and obviously Harry Potter haha) all other writing is originally mine! I hope that helps and again its literally so sweet of you to ask and I’m so glad the quiz could connect with you! Have a wonderful day anon, and an even better one tomorrow c:

Post-Starcourt Steve and Robin needing to get the hell out of the mall parking lot and being like, “I have this friend. He’s close.”

Cut to Eddie standing at his bedroom door, holding his guitar like an axe because he’s pretty sure someone just broke into his house and is going to murder him. When he busts out the door holding a lamp above his head (didn’t want to break his guitar), he nearly bludgeons a couple of puke covered ice cream sailors.

After they all stop screaming, Steve looks at the lamp and nudges it like, “Lighten up, man.”

Eddie: What are you doing here?

Steve: Relax, my friend lives here.

Eddie: I live here

Steve: Are you my friend? No??? Then I’m talking about someone else. Duh. *makes a gesture to Robin like ‘this guy.’*

Robin, making the same gesture back: We are going to sleep on your couch.

Eddie: …Are you guys high?

Steve & Robin, after considerable thought: A little.

Hiccup Horrendous Haddock III, Protector Of the Northmost Winds and Skies

(materialized Hiccup and notes below the cut)

I re-read the fic again and man did i remember how much i loved it!!

I really wanted to draw Hiccup as spirit and have a go at what i thought his design would be. I tried blending the costume designs from the second and third How To Train Your Dragon movies for the leather armor and the fur cape was SO MUCH FUN to work with!

I also put silver birch leaves on the pauldron because they symbolize new beginnings and protection and thought it was pretty fitting. And i think it's dope as fuck and i can do what i want so why not.

And i'll admit, i did listen to Hozier quite a bit while working on this because 1) Francesca is SO THEM and 2) I, Carrion absolutely hits as well.

thank you @jjackfrost for the wonderful story you wrote and shared with us. It's a blessing to read and it got me back on my HTTYD and ROTG middle school hyperfixation so thanks <3

Hehhe

PLEASE do in depth analyses of all of the houses for your quiz I was enraptured reading the gryffindor one and I didn’t even get gryffindor

JUST FOR YOU ANON, I am going to compile the sort of Final Breakdown of every house, in my opinion, that you get at the end of the quiz now. Theres more in-depth analysis of specific questions under each house’s tag on my blog, and you can feel free to ask more specifics of course bUT here is the masterpost of that c:

Keep reading

“You silly, delightful man. There is nothing to be sorry for. You fought for us.” - Arthur, THE HOUSE IN THE CERULEAN SEA by TJ Klune

Here is my contribution to Our Favorite Scene Zine latest edition, which compiled over 20 artists’ interpretations of the reunion scene from THE HOUSE IN THE CERULEAN SEA. This book was my first inroad to TJ’s staggering body of work, and remains one of my comfort books at times when my faith in humanity is challenged, or when parenting two smarty-pants gets particularly hard. 😅 From the outset, I wanted to focus on the kids’ reactions to Arthur and Linus’s reunion, because love is something that children inherit from their grownups, and that joy multiplies as they grow up in safe and accepting spaces. I hope you like how it came out. 💕

I have tragically yet seen a A:TLA crack fic where canon! sokka gets suck in a modern, no powers AU. While juggling his counter identity, the everlasting bullshit that's American high school, bumbling at modern devices and slang, avoiding his sister and dad of this universe, and trying to find his way home... he's just like, huh. It's nice to have a hot minute thats not being a child soldier. And thus begins Sokka's journey doing absolutely batshit insanity thinking its even remotely in the ballpark of normal which includes but is not limited to:

• Joining the cheerleaders thinking that they’re like the kyoshi warriors. Furthermore seeing the make-up and skirt as integral to the art. (He's not wrong, and pulls it off amazingly)

• Met in universe Zuko, whos currently a jerk, but isn't also a human flamethrower and literally hunting him down. Sokka's just normal about it while Zuko insistences they're rivals. They fight in the hallways at least once (less a fight and more of zuko frantically throwing punches and Sukka ducking and blocking with the utmost and infuriating chill.)

• Wants money. So what does he do? Goes to a karate competition. Wins. Then proceeds not to tell anyone. Not out of any actual secrecy but because this is pretty standard Gaang stuff back home.

Que the frantic sensei that arrives at the door answered by the very confused Katara and Hakoda.

•Gets more into martial arts and literally freaking everyone out. Turns out, spending the majority of your short little life fighting, keeping up with, beating, and trying to survive from not only full grown masters, but also masters that can control forces of nature plus maybe a spirit or two makes you pretty damn good at fighting.

• Casual parkour. Twenty-four seven. On roofs. Climbing up brick walls. Gravity defying jumps. Ridiculous reflexes.

Naturally the modern him that lands in his universe is just screaming 24/7. But hey, they both go home in the end. Canon sokka gets a break, modern sokka gets a crisis, as a treat.