-Illustratum Paradoxon

You know what’s crazy. If people knew I had this page they probably would think I was crying victim. Honestly I’ve never been one to use my traumas as a way to manipulate people to love me. If I have believe me, it was not consciously. I REFUSE to be portrayed as a victim or anyone to pity because of what I’ve been through. 1. Because they only know parts, they don’t even know the half and 2. Because speaking about them and proving that I have healed by being able to speak without crying & without pain, is fucking empowering! Yes I have bad days. Yes things still trigger me. But 👏🏼 it 👏🏼 does 👏🏼 not 👏🏼 make 👏🏼 me 👏🏼 nor will it BREAK me. I refuse to give power to the abusive addict mother and absent mystery donor. I refuse to give power to any of my abusers. Sexual. Mental. Emotional. Physical. Abuse. They say people abuse something when they don’t know the purpose of it. People looked past my purpose. Past my very essence of my being. They only saw the poor foster kid that was “troubled” not the kid who had potential seeping out of her regardless of the cards she was dealt. They dimmed my light for so so long. Only I had the power to turn that light back on and fight to keep it on by removing those toxic people. Removing toxic habits I had. And removing toxic thoughts that I grew to believe. Once I UNlearned everything that was crammed into my brain about who I was, I was able to find who I TRULY am. I’m a beacon of light. I’m hope for the orphans. I’m goals for the underdog. I’m a voice for the hurt and lonely. I speak the unspoken words that people hold on to for so long. I give them a voice. I don’t put light on my struggle and darkness to immortalize it but to show you that out of darkness comes LIGHT. That while in that dark place, regardless of what you feel or think, you are NOT alone. I’m also here to remind those who have faith or maybe have fallen far from their faith that just because you follow Jesus does not make you untouchable. Even he had to carry his own cross. So please. Be humble. Be level headed. Know that victimizing yourself will only leave you stuck. Rise above that. Know who you are in Christ. After that all other labels and boxes that they tried to fit you in will be BROKEN. I will never forget a prophysy given to me. God spoke to me through a complete stranger and he told me clearly “BE YOURSELF” he wants a relationship with YOU. Not a religion. Not indoctrination. No rituals. Just YOU.

-Illustratum Paradoxon