I Have A New Theory Called Alive Internet Theory Where I Propose That The Internet Is Full Of Real People

#things I didn't realize I wanted to do

i know we all love 40 year old transfem doms here but we really need to appreciate middle aged tgirls who are so horny-embarrassed to be getting spitroasted by girls that are half her age.

#when you get your hands on skaven weapons

Gonna get myself a fun little surprise I guess

if only i had cleavage

"Warning Signs Your Machines Are Trying to Kill You!" by TJ Klune

(Legally, I’m required to tell you that when smart phones first became popular, I bought one and then asked for the address of the app store because I thought it was a physical location I had to go to in order to download apps and not something already on your phone. Also, I was recently told I speak like an old person so as a warning, there will not be any slang you youths typically hear, especially on Tumblr. Any slang I’ve learned in the last five years has been against my will. I still don’t know what FOMO means, and I don’t care.)

1. Oh no! You and your family are trying to enjoy a movie night, but Overlord Prime (With Free Shipping) wants a sacrifice at the altar of their god, BeeZos. Should this happen, do not attempt to give Overlord Prime (With Free Shipping) a cantaloupe with googly-eyes on it and say that it is your baby. Overlord Prime (With Free Shipping) knows the difference between fruit and children. Instead, ask the machine to order dog food, and it will forget about eating humans for a little while.

2. If you own a very fancy vehicle that can drive itself, always make sure to carry a brick. That way, when the car locks you inside and attempts to drive you off a cliff into a gas station, you can break the window using the brick. You will then have to jump out, but make sure you do so in time so you can watch the wicked-ass explosion when the car hits the gas station, and you can revel in your victory over your car.

3. This one will hurt. I’m sorry, but it’s true. Chances are, you’re reading this on your phone right this second. To be safe, after you’ve finished reading this post and have clicked on the affiliated links to purchase my books, you should throw your phone into a volcano and then move to South Dakota where there are no machines, only wind and cows. That way, when everyone else gets the 5GZombieVirus that people on Twitter (I’m not calling it the other thing, shut up) seem to think is real, you’ll be safe with your cows on a windy day.

4. Get rid of your air fryer. Don’t ask me why, just do it. Red flags all around. Danger, danger.

5. Do you know of the Clapper? That thing first launched in the late 20th century (I wrote it that way to make me feel old) where the commercials showed cranky old people unable to reach their light switches, so they got a thing called a Clapper that turns your lights on and off when you clap? Guess what? Those will be the first things to try and kill you. If you love your gram-gram, save her from the Clapper. When she asks why you are destroying it with an ax, tell gram-gram it’s because you love her.

6. Do you live in a smart home? The kind where everything is connected to the internet, including your refrigerator? The refrigerator that holds your perishable foods? And oh, would you look at that: how many ice cubes have you kicked under it rather than picking them up when they fall to the floor? A dozen? A million? The refrigerator remembers. And it will spoil your food in seconds. What then? What are you going to eat? Canned food? Not if the refrigerator falls on top of you!

Unfortunately for you, this is where it must end. I hope this has given you enough information to help you survive the inevitable. If you do not heed my warnings, well. Who cares. I’m not in charge of you. Do whatever you want. Just don’t come complaining to me when gram-gram gets the clap.

#its working to well

Imagine a hyper-intelligent quantum computer hidden, within a complex sci-fi super-facility, who's body is technically the entire facility itself. Now imagine that an Affini attempts to make the facility into their floret.

The facility, built and abandoned by the accord, has been alone for decades, and refuses to trust the Affini or even admit to their own sentience.

It constantly tells the affini that it isn't a sophont, and is merely reacting within its protocols. So the Affini wanders through the complex, avoiding the computer's best attempts at killing them, and trying to help the computer through the trauma that it refuses to have. Eventually the Affini manages to get through to it and leaves with a little flashdrive containing their new floret.

TLDR; GLaDOS* gets florted.

*not really GLaDOS, but you get the point

my doctor told me i have to do PT this fucking sucks

we need more freaky transfems with medical degrees. i want the girl who’s performing my orchiectomy to find it just as hot as i do.

any tgirl born after 1993 can’t cook… all they know is Monster’s, cuddle they BLÅHAJ, frot, be ouppy , eat estrogen & lie (in bed)

I want to be forcefully pet by at least two people. Like the way a group of people will gang up on a dog and pet it real hard and it loves it? I need that in my life. I need to not be able to keep track of the hands on my body.