Rain Has Tap Tapped On My Window

every year around this time i am shocked that its dark at 5pm and i will continue to be…. its so fucking rude of the sun to leave early bitch YOUR SHIFT ISNT OVER

do you ever realize that you have gone weeks without saying a word to anyone?

after you start talking it’s like everything is suddenly breathing again.

although sometimes i wonder

do i even remember how to speak?

i am miserable.

it is a “cry in the shower” kind of day.

A “fill your ears with water and hug your knees close” kind of day.

And i am a miserable creature who had to sit down in the shower today.

This is the kind of day that eats up every ounce of energy you have. It leaves you breathless while you lie on your side, mixing the salt on your face with the salt in the sea.

It is not a nice ocean that greets me this morning.

He tells me there is an end to it somewhere.

All I see is more waves.

I am holding cold water to my chest. Hearing rain pound against my eardrums. Feeling more water batter my already bruised skin.

And I am so tired.

when does this all end.?

i am

so

tired.

wilbur's doing really well :D

god things have been so hard recently

sleep. who needs it? Not me. I am fully human and also capable of existing forever without sleep.

not this immortal being.

nope. not at all. never.

often,

i feel like a lost sailor in a vast expanse of ocean. A tiny dot of an entity, in comparison to the hugeness of the sea. At times, waves toss my small dinghy, water pouring over the sides, soaking me to my bone. I lie gasping for air in the face of such great loss and pain.

Other days I can lay against the side of the ship, hand dangling in the water, and allow myself rest. Soft shoals of sand shimmer far beneath the calming ebb of the waves, lulling me to sleep.

Raising my spyglass to my eye provides little to no insight into the future temperament of the sea.

Sometimes I wish i could delve deep into the waves themselves. Find the tides and currents that I would ride to new destinations. No longer confined to my tiny vessel. No longer at the mercy of that next storm.

I wonder if one day life will allow for more control over my direction. My destination.

I wish to navigate this sea with the adeptness not only of sailors, but of the creatures that live inside it. I want to make this chaos known. As familiar as a home.

But for now i am battered helplessly against walls of water. Tossed from moment to moment, clinging onto my ship for dear life. Praying for the next soft day. Constantly at the mercy of the ocean. Lost without a will of my own.

I grow tired of battling for an inch of direction. Maybe one day I will know this sea better.

the world is a scary place when you are a small and edible thing

*probable sappiness warning*

It’s okay cuz im self aware heh. Anyways-

-

i am

for the first time

truly truly happy.

Like finally breathing

or touching the sky.

I looked for it for so long.

And now he it is on my doorstep.

Sunshine

My Beautiful sky.

This is thanks to you,

and so this is for you,

I feel happy. I love you.

awe hey im okay i just died from cramps