I've Been Thinking About Gender This Morning And Realize That Pouf Played A Decent Role In Me Figuring
I've been thinking about gender this morning and realize that pouf played a decent role in me figuring out exactly where I am in terms of how I feel about masculinity.
As a trans man, I don't really often see men who look like me; I especially don't see men like me because I'm not planning on medical transition. Of course, I'm not disparaging those who seek it out - that's wonderful! I'm so glad that there are options for those who have debilitating dysphoria, but I personally only suffer from it on a social level. I rarely feel it otherwise, and this is the choice I feel most comfortable with. However, this comes at the cost of rarely ever seeing men like myself; practically every trans man I see is either post-transition, or is planning to do so.
And I can now say that this is what struck me so much about this character, that he had so many stereotypically feminine traits, but was still clearly recognized as a man. That we had similar body types, similar mannerisms and means of expression. It was around then that I began to play with masculine pronouns and realized how much I enjoyed them; my most comfortable and conforming outfits ended up being semi-formal wear. I can push androgyny if I really try, but the only way to be consistently read as masculine would be to cut my hair, which I refuse to do at this point. I'd had nearly buzzed hair at one point, but find I like my shoulder length hair much better.
I'm actutely aware of how the butterfly is coded as a "feminine" insect, and that was also something that initially drew me to him. I'd never seen butterflies associated with masculinity, and to this day I haven't seen anything quite like him. He really pushed me farther along in my transition than I think I would've achieved otherwise.
More Posts from Introspective-in-somnia and Others
I can rank all 3 of them based on their opinions to fucking around, which are "can you stop fucking around", "can you please keep fucking around", and "fuck around and find out (cheerful and affectionate)"
Maxfield Parish (United States 1870-1966). Lull Brook /Winter Peace at Twilight 1945.
Do people still make and post kin playlists, is that still something people do
musings on the sun
christina perneta, noor hindi, vincent van gogh, jeanette winterson, zinaida vysota docenko, anne sexton, olga kos, khalil gibran
Why is it so much more painful this time? I can barely look myself in the mirror, the disconnect is so great; the short term memory gaps seem to be less often but that's also been a new manifestation. There were definitely times in the past where I'd been jarred by the face I see in the reflection but it's never been quite like this.
recipe for shaiapouf from hunter x hunter @bandage-hearted-butterfly
so the obvious choice for blue and purple to me is butterfly pea flower tea, but anyone can tell you to buy dried butterfly pea blossoms and then steep them to make an herbal tea so i went to find something a bit more complex. this recipe includes simple syrup, which can be bought or made. its really simple to make simple syrup, so i'll include instructions on how to make that as well
simple syrup
1/2 cup granulated sugar
1/2 cup water
add water to sugar in a small saucepan over medium heat, stirring until the sugar dissolves. let it cool, then pour into a clean jar and lid it. it'll keep in your fridge for about one month
butterfly pea milk tea
1 teaspoon dried butterfly pea flowers
1 cup water
1 tablespoon simple syrup
1/4 cup milk, dairy or non-dairy
optional: tapioca pearls cooked according to their packaging instructions
bring the water to a boil in a small pot and add the butterfly pea flowers. turn off the heat and steep for 5 minutes. when it reaches a rich blue color, discard the flowers and let tea cool
if using tapioca pearls, add them to the bottom of a 16 oz mug or glass. add ice and pour cooled tea. add 1 tablespoon simple syrup and milk of your choice
Other traditions have their symbols on necklaces, and I think that's what my butterfly choker is akin to
I've actually made a small list of these things on a whiteboard and, as silly as it feels, there's something immensely satisfying about having written it out
Thinking I may very much lean into fictionkinity in daily life as I think it may help self care feel less like a chore.. I believe he had specific traits due to insect features, traits which I still possess due to my hEDS, so I think some simple transference of tasks would be helpful for me.
More liquids (ant and butterfly diet), better skincare (moisture necessary for overall insect health), care that is specific to me that feels so much more natural than the brute force I've been trying to apply
It's almost funny, sometimes when I look in the mirror, I feel like I'm surprised by who I see
