Invisiblynumb

Im still getting over the fact that you will never pay for what you did. But I will. I have to live with that for the rest of my life, it doesn’t go away.

I tear my heart open , I sew myself shut.

My weakness is.. that I care to much!

I wanted to be loved, but not like this.

Not like a lighthouse watching ships, that never dock.💔

Happiness scares me because there is always a price to pay afterwards. ..

From One

who says, “Don’t cry.

You’ll like it after a while.”

and Two who tells you thank-you

after the fact and can’t look at your face.

To Three who pays for your breakfast

and a cab home

and your mother’s rent.

To Four

who says,

“But you felt so good

I didn’t know how to stop.”

To Five who says giving your body

is tough

but something you do very well.

To Six

Who smells of tobacco

and says “Come on, I can feel that

you love this.”

To those who feel bad in the morning yes,

some feel bad in the morning

and sometimes they tell you

you want it

and sometimes you think that you do.

Thank heavens you’re resetting

ever setting and resetting

How else do you sew up the tears?

How else can the body survive?

There is a hopelessness in my chest , a weightless, heavy thing no one can see.

I used to feel shock at the word ‘suicide’ wondering how someone could truly end it all. The one telling others things get better.. but humans are naturally designed to fight to stay alive..I know this because when I stood at the edge, I was held back by the smallest hope for life. But now I don’t wonder anymore… hope is a gift not everyone gets to keep. Some of us are just left with an emptiness where hope used to be. They say ‘’hold on it gets better” sound familiar? But they never tell you how heavy hope can feel in hands that have already been holding on for so long.

Truth is, it NEVER GETS BETTER , people just like to drill some type of encouragement or hope inside you like when you are young and your parents used to tell you , “”if we don’t punish you, you won’t learn for next time” truth is it wouldn’t make any difference the next time but it sure made mommy and daddy feel powerful. Or “God is good he will look over you” we’ll turn off your favorite movie and look at the news or “” money doesn’t buy happiness/money doesn’t matter”” yeah only if you have all powerful giants giving you everything for free. Truth is , we have been living a lie from day one… it’s ok though.. after all it always gets better….

Exactly!!