Just Keep Your Eyes Open Guys 👀

I see these wonderful and thoughtful posts about Ascended Astarion that analyze every change of an expression, a choice of words, a slightly softer tone... all to say: "See? He still cares. He still loves us!"

And while I admire the dedication, a part of me can’t help but think that if you have to dig that deep just to prove he still has feelings... maybe the point is that he’s just not quite the same person anymore?..

(don’t get me wrong, I still love reading those analyses, just from the safe and warm embrace of my spawn route, thanks 👀)

Shadowheart: Given our group’s nature, I don’t see much harm. We are each monsters in the making, after all.

Astarion: No, I won’t kill them! Well, maybe Shadowheart…

Coincidence?.. 🫢

I want you to know I love your Astarion posts - they're so thoughtful and well written but still succinct, and I'm having a great time reading them right before I start a replay. But I also adore how organized they are and how easy it is to find the master post, so thank you for that!

Wow thank you so much! 🥺✨ I’m really glad to hear the link system is working well - I hoped it would make the navigation easier.

And it means so much that you (and everyone, really!) are following along! Honestly, I wasn’t sure what to expect when I started posting bg3 content here, since I wasn’t very active and definitely arrived late to the party, but it’s been such a welcoming and thoughtful community, with so many great, thought-provoking posts too.

Oh yes, silly me - I completely forgot to explore all the options there 🙈 Thank you for this addition! I do love their banter. And humor almost plays role of another love language between them sometimes.

He does approve if you say “Is that all you want? Shallow praise?” as well.

I agree that joking around like that shows that Tav treats him like everybody else, normally, like a friend. And that’s what matters.

I did notice a slight change in his expression today when mentioning sleep, somewhere else but I can’t remember where exactly. And that’s also what I thought - that he is not so fond of going to sleep and seeing dreams that might turn into nightmares.

Reflecting in Their Eyes

(5/? part of “Astarion: In Search of True Self” — [masterpost here])

The episode where Astarion is looking in the mirror, quietly questioning his appearance, is one of my absolute favorites.

Since he is a vampire, we know he doesn’t cast a reflection. So at first glance, it seems a little bit pointless… unless! He was trying to make Tav notice, to draw them into a conversation without saying it directly (and it worked!) - isn't it just a sweet way to set up a difficult conversation without being too obvious about it, but at the same time not hiding it too hard? One might say it is another manipulation, but I rather like such a subtle approach. On the other hand, you can see in the camp that Astarion always has a mirror in his tent, so maybe I’m wrong in my assumption.

When Tav asks if he misses seeing his face, Astarion reluctantly, with a snarky comment, admits he does and confesses that he hasn’t seen his reflection since the night he was turned. He doesn’t even remember much about how he looked before.

In my story, I chose an option where Tav takes a moment to quietly study him. When he asked, “What?” she simply said, “I can be your mirror. What do you want to see?” And Astarion answered with something I didn’t expect him to say out loud, yet somehow knew was coming:

“I want to know what the world sees when looks at me. What you see.”

(There’s a more intense version too, where Tav simply says “I see you.” And in that moment, he’s stretched taut like a string - waiting, terrified, hopeful.)

He is quiet at first, but breaks into a smile, realizing what they are doing, when Tav starts describing him - those strong, piercing eyes, they say. And when they get to that “dangerous smile,” he interrupts with a grin:

“Just say I’m beautiful and we can call it a day.”

It may seem like he is back to his usual flirty sass, but I believe he was just incredibly relieved and even flustered to hear that they don’t see him, a vampire spawn, as a monster, but still find him attractive and beautiful. So the shield is up again, back to the safer tone, when the moment is over and he has confirmed what he wanted to know - not to push Tav away, but falling back into familiar habits because opening up like that is so much.

Watch his body language: he turns away, putting some distance between them, as if to regulate the emotions stirred by the moment. He seems overwhelmed, uncertain what face he should make right now, but he is still listening, still thinking. People often look into the distance like that when they’re remembering something - like he does, still processing Tav's words.

But the important thing is: those words weren’t just about his physical appearance, but also his personality or, rather, his presence, because “strong piercing eyes” and “dangerous smile” speak more about the inner qualities rather than outer beauty.

And when Tav does say - “You are beautiful” - Astarion is clearly lifted and cheered, especially compared to the beginning of their conversation. I just love this episode, it is so sweet and touching!

For someone who carefully cultivates control over his appearance, who hides his uncertainty beneath vanity, it is a big deal to open up like that and admit he is actually unsure about his looks. And to someone he is starting to trust. And it’s not just about his looks. When he asks how Tav sees him, it’s also a quiet test: he realizes he is developing feelings for them (well, at least for me, this episode was right before his confession), and he finds a way to find out if his feelings might be returned. It’s a subtle way of asking, “Is it possible for you to see me behind this appearance?”

This is the first moment he let his guard down to show something fragile underneath. To see how they react when he is not playing the role. He showed us small glimpses before, but this is the first time Astarion lowered his defenses that low. And when Tav doesn't recoil, mock or dismiss him but stays warm and sincere, it reassures him that he is safe and seen with them. And he dares to tell them the truth - about his feelings and his "simple plan".

This moment is one of the most breathtaking parts of their journey together that yet again connects to our next realization - I want to talk about it in the next post.

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Sharess’ Caress: Trying to Feel Whole

(10/? part of “Astarion: In Search of True Self” — [masterpost here])

When we first arrived at Sharess’ Caress during my initial playthrough, I simply said no, and we moved on. But later, I saw others mention something Astarion says during the encounter with the twins - and I realized I needed to see it to understand him better.

I tried returning to Sharess' Caress from the old save file, where we haven't finished his personal quest yet. But the dialogue didn't go the way I saw it discussed, so after researching, I realized that the interactions are different, depending on when you come to the place - before defeating Cazador or after.

But in the end, I couldn't make myself go with it, not with my Tav, Roanael, so in the end I just watched a recording on YouTube (//v;)

If it happens before Cazador, Astarion gently but firmly declines the offer to spend a night with Tav and the drow twins. And it is wonderful to see him feeling safe enough to draw this line and protect his boundaries.

If you say you wouldn’t make him do it, he says, “Don’t be so nice to me! It makes me want to be nice back…” - it is framed like another joke, but he looks touched and sad at the same time.

If you decide to go alone, he shows some disapproval and concern - "Enjoy yourself, of course, but I dearly hope you aren't only having sex because we haven't in a while."

I feel he is trying to hide how much it actually bothers him that he might not be enough, that he can't give you want you want... and that you want it so much you can't wait for him, you still need it here and now, no matter who would be your partner.

Interestingly, this doesn’t even lower his approval (unlike, say, Gale’s) - maybe because Astarion doesn’t feel he has a right to disapprove. But that doesn’t make it any less painful.

What surprised me is that if you go there after defeating Cazador and finishing Astarion’s ark, he agrees, saying now that he is free, he is ready to try doing this again. Astarion tries to sound enthusiastic. He even reassures Tav that if he doesn’t like something, he will run away. But his laugh sounds almost hysterical.

If Tav goes with this alone, Astarion comments: “You have a type, don't you? Elven prostitutes? Again? It's rather embarrassing, dear.”

And while Tav and Astarion are spending time with the drow twins, he says all sorts of things like they are dealing with a professional, and he is being very attentive to everyone, but Tav notices that it’s all instinctual, and he is far away at the moment, clearly dissociating.

This place and situation trigger a lot of traumatic memories. And it also shows that even after we defeated Cazador and Astarion overcame his fear and decided to start a new life - he is still healing, it’s not like he magically recovered in a moment.

This whole episode in the brothel with Astarion is very difficult to see (I'd say it's horrible to do to him, if he didn't agree to this himself when he didn't have to) - but it also shows how deep his wounds are. Even after Cazador is gone, his shadow is still there: even if there is no one forcing him now, he does it to himself, cornering himself into the same patterns without realizing it.

Tragically, once Astarion agrees, the game doesn't allow Tav to change their mind, even if it's clear how distressed he is. But as they proceed, Tav can't help but notice just how skilful and gorgeous Astarion is in bed. He notices their eyes on him and asks why they are looking at him like this, and there is an option to reply, “Just making sure you’re okay.” And Astarion’s reaction is: “I wish to drink… And to be drunk.”

Honestly... it sounds a bit out of place, but it makes it even worse. Because it is not sensual. It is not said of intoxication by pleasure. It's numbness. Falling apart into the same state of performance as those thousands of times when he laid down on his back before.

But the way Astarion tries to push through is not a weakness - it shows how deeply he wants to feel whole again, even if he doesn’t yet know what that looks like. He’s trying to prove to Tav, but even more to himself: I’m free now. I can do this. I’m normal.

And it hurts because he shouldn’t have to.

Because healing is slow, messy, with ups and downs - and that’s perfectly fine.

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I like this armor design but that silly branch keeps getting in the way 🙈🥲

Still I love these ☺️

There’s always time to enjoy the scenery✨

But is it really the scenery that he can't take his eyes off?.. 😌

Yay, I’m so glad you liked her! And thank you so much for such a thoughtful question too!

So, as for Roanael’s motivation and goals:

At first it was simply to survive, get rid of the tadpole and return back to her normal life. She values her freedom and integrity too much to accept becoming an illithid so finding a solution became everything.

But when others who shared the same situation began to trust her and rely on her leadership, she also felt a deep responsibility for them. So her main goal grew into helping their little newfound family make it through alive, so all of them can have a future.

And later, when her bond with Astarion grew stronger, her motivation included him too - a future where he could live freely and they could be together.

🌿 Roanael’s Roots 🌿

~Creating more background for my first Tav in BG3~

Roanael is a half-elf druid, born and raised in the bustling city of Baldur’s Gate.
With the background of a Sage, she always had passion for books - digging into stories, learning about the world, always curious to learn more about their plane and others. But thanks to her wood elven ancestry, the call of the forest was just as strong for her 🌳✨

She has a strong but introverted presence:
Roanael doesn’t mind meeting new people - in fact, her friendly and open-minded nature tends to draw others in - but she doesn’t actively seek company. Her favorite days are spent either wandering through nature or reading a book in her room, or… tucked under a tree, reading a book while surrounded by leaves and sunlight 😁📚🍃

Unlike many druids, Roanael never belonged to any formal circle. Instead, she taught herself the ways of nature, following knowledge from books and her own experience, counting on her instincts rather than strict traditions. Growing up in multicultural Baldur’s Gate made her learn early on that people, like the wilds, are all different and trying to force them into one way is never the answer. Maybe that’s why, even during her adventures, she always steps aside and lets her companions find their own paths 🛤️

As for her family, her human father (a druid himself!) and wood elven mother met somewhere beyond Baldur’s Gate and decided to start a family together in the city. Their love was deep and respectful of each other’s independence - values they passed on to Roanael. Sadly, her father passed away some years ago. He was the cheerful and warm man, a glue that kept their little family close, and after his death, Roanael and her mother (a strong, busy elven woman with an important city job 💼) saw each other less often. But the bond between them - quiet, understanding - remains strong.

Still, after her father's passing, Roanael began to venture farther and farther from Baldur’s Gate, looking to explore the world and see it with her own eyes. The spirit of adventure soon proved too contagious to resist, and before she knew it, she couldn’t even remember the last time she had been home. Or rather… she had started feeling at home everywhere the road led her 🏡

This upbringing shaped Roanael into who she is now: calm, thoughtful, independent, but always carrying compassion in her heart. She inherited both her mother’s wisdom and quiet strength and her father’s curiosity and warmth.

As for many half-elves, the duality of her existence was deeply ingrained into her life from the very beginning, but she has learned to make it her strength, accepting both of her sides and blending them into a beautiful harmony.

🌿 A few small things about Roanael:

Favorite wild shapes: wolf (for battle), cat (for sneaking)

Favorite spells: Grasping Vine, Ice Knife, Misty Step, Lightning Bolt

Eyes: left green, right silver

Hair: brown with warm ginger highlights, usually tied simply back

Tattoo: a teal mark of three small birds soaring across her left cheekbone — a joyful symbol of freedom

Age: somewhere around 35-40 by human standards

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Shen Qiao with literally everyone:

When Yan Wushi is nearby:

Love how this one turned out 🌖✨