Sharess’ Caress: Trying To Feel Whole

His answer was less fun than the question ( =3=)

Wait... are we wearing the same stuff?? :0 Andre—

Astarion: In Search of True Self

Lately, I’ve been playing Baldur’s Gate 3 for the first time - and I’ve absolutely fallen in love with the game… and the pale elf, of course.

That’s how this character analysis came to life. At the start, I didn’t know much about the game or its world, but I did know that companions were available for romance. So I checked them out before starting, and two characters piqued my interest: Astarion and Gale.

Somehow… I never met Gale in my game (either I didn’t poke that hole in the wall or he just never showed up?), so naturally, I started exploring my options with Astarion.

His romance was described in guides as a bit of a challenge - especially if your Tav is good-aligned and likes helping others. The common conclusion is usually: be evil and he’ll like that.  

I shrugged and decided to try balancing things out. But as I played and got to know him better, that advice began to make less and less sense to me. So I started putting my thoughts into words, hoping to explain why I didn’t agree.

In the end, this turned into something more like a diary - a journey of discovering new sides of Astarion and reflecting on the moments my Tav shared with him.

I hope you will find this analysis/review/Astarion fan diary (?) interesting, even if you don't agree with every part. If that’s the case, please be kind - I poured a lot of heart (and sleepless nights) into this. And if you did feel the same way, I hope this lets you re-experience that journey all over again <3 

Navigation:

The Truth Behind The Mask

Getting Closer

First Bite

Power Or Its Absence?

Reflecting In Their Eyes

The Need To Be Seen

Facing Vampire Spawns

Astarion's Shirt

Softie Underneath

Sharess' Caress

Astarion and Cazador

Ascension Or Not?

Other posts about Astarion (rediscovering missed cutscenes and lore):

The First Night

"Unascended" Astarion

Astarion's Age

Astarion The Elf

Poison Or Dagger?

The Bear Conversation

(This is the initial plan, but it may evolve. I’ll add links to each post as I upload them)

TL;DR: Not a red flag – cinnamon roll with fangs. Handle with care, love and moonlight.

Love how this one turned out 🌖✨

Best quidditch team (๑>◡<๑) 💕

Couldn’t help it:

Ascension or Not?

(12/? part of “Astarion: In Search of True Self” — [masterpost here])

Trigger warning: Spawn route / Ascension reflection

The Rite of Profane Ascension is the culmination of The Pale Elf’s story - everything has been building toward this: the fear, the shame, the survival instincts, the longing to be seen, the need to finally break free. It’s the most dangerous moment for Astarion - the fork in the road that will change everything.

We’ve already talked about how much Astarion longs to be truly seen. That’s why it hurts so deeply when he isn’t. When Tav misreads him - sees only the seducer, the witty, wicked vampire spawn - it encourages him to stay inside that mask. And he will, because that’s how he survived for two hundred years. But if Tav reaches gently toward what’s underneath, if they speak to the heart of him… he starts to hope: “Could there really be another way?”

The desire to be seen for more than he was made to be is so strong in him that it feels like he is constantly unconsciously searching for it. Not just admired or desired but truly known - it is woven into everything he does. But the tragedy is, the version of himself that he crafted to survive - charming, flirtatious, in control - is so convincing that even he sometimes believes that’s all he has to be. No wonder many players assume Ascension is what Astarion really wants.

That’s why the ritual is so dangerous. It is the ultimate temptation that seemingly can make all his fears disappear, promising eternal power. But it doesn’t free him. It traps him even deeper. Because it is the culmination of Cazador's legacy that he taught him: that power is everything, that it gives you the right to take and abuse, that to be weak is to be worthless and hurt, that vulnerability is pathetic. There is no place for kindness or love in this world.

If Tav helps him to go through with the ritual, it might seem like they’re validating his choice. But what it tells him is: you, as you are - frightened, hurt, still healing but craving connection - are not enough. That the only version of him others can value is the cold, invulnerable one.

It confirms his worst fear, so he clings to it harder.

That’s why, for me, Ascension isn’t Astarion’s "true self." It’s his trauma self - the final mask locked in place by a diabolical ritual, that becomes his new self forever. It's not freedom - it’s losing. Losing to fear. Losing to Cazador’s values. Losing the hope that was beginning to bloom.

But if Tav sees past those layers of defences and stops him - gently, lovingly - it’s not about forcing him to be "good." It’s about saying: I see you. And you're enough, just as you are. You don't need this to be free, to be loved.

That’s why it’s so moving when Tav instead gently reminds him that there is another way, reflecting his humanity back to him. In that route, Astarion finally allows himself to believe he’s more than what Cazador made him: not because he takes power, but because he rejects it and breaks that cycle.

When Astarion walks away from the Rite, it’s not weakness. It’s the first step toward becoming someone he never thought he could be - not a tool, not a monster, not someone else's shadow, but someone who can start discovering his real self. It’s a newfound freedom that finally allows him to start living again.

I want to say something about the Ascended route, too. I haven’t played it myself, only read and watched some bits of it - and maybe I might talk about it more later. But I’ll share just this for now.

For me, Ascension is a very sad and lonely choice for Astaion. By that, he forever separates himself from everyone else, from any genuine connection he could have had with the rest of the world.

Yes, Ascended Astarion still “cares” about Tav - they are still important to him. Maybe the most important person in his world, because he is not likely to let anyone in anymore. But it's not the same - not without that warmth, not when he owns them now. He puts them in the position he once fought so desperately to escape - completely dependent on someone else’s power. He might still be kind. But they are not equals. And I can’t help but wonder how long that kindness would last.

Yes, he can walk in the sun. He can taste food, enjoy luxuries. But without healing, those things are hollow. How long until the joy of novelty wears off? Until the hunger for power inside grows stronger again, forever insatiable? Until it can't satisfy him anymore, and he turns toward the one who cannot leave or say no? Love is not control.

So, for me, persuading Astarion to give up that idea is not forcing him against his nature - it's reminding him of it. Tav cares about him and doesn't want him to corner himself in a choice he might regret later. It's not about moralizing or controlling his choices, but about wanting him to be happy in the long run. If Astarion had made a decision in anger or desperation, its result would have haunted him forever.

That’s why I don’t even like calling it the “Spawn ending.” To me, it’s simply Astarion’s ending. The one where he can finally become who he truly is. Himself.

<previous post>

<back to masterpost>

I don’t think I’ve ever drawn a bat before 🤔 but here is a quick Batstarion doodle 🦇✨

I already dread the moment my hyperfixation runs out and I start loving Astarion a normal amount.

Ugh 😑

It is a quiet and thick summer night. One of those when the air smells like spices and leaves warmed by daylight.

Astarion steps back into the lightened circle of your campfire, lowering himself on the bedroll. He was hunting in the forest - successful but uneventful routine.

His hunger is sated for now, yet his brows still grow tight together as he looks around, taking in the silence. You aren’t here.

He picks up a book, turning the pages by the flickering light of the fire, his mind far away. Until he hears the steps and the corners of his mouth curl into a small smile.

He doesn’t have to turn around to know who it is, and he doesn’t flinch when your arms wrap around him from behind, gentle and warm. He just raises his hand to place over your arm as you rest your head against his shoulder and let out a dramatic sigh.

“You were gone for too long,” you mumble with a playful pout, softly nuzzling the curve of his neck with your nose. “I got bored waiting. So I went for a walk too. But really, you could’ve just bitten me instead. At least then we’d have spent that time together.”

Astarion chuckles, slightly leaning his head closer to yours. “Darling, your blood is far too invaluable to be treated as a mere convenience. It’s better reserved for more special occasions.”

You chuckle, brushing your lips along the pulse line on his neck. Your teeth grazing his skin in a teasing imitation of a bite.

“Then I’ll make us even,” you growl quietly, struggling to hold back a wide grin. “It’s my turn now.”

Astarion doesn’t hold back an amused laugh, short but light and unguarded. The sound you love so much. He turns around to look at you with a familiar smirk. “Oh? Is that so?”

He pulls you on his lap and you readily settle there, your eyes softening from mischief to warmth. You tilt your head, studying his face.

“Hold still…” you ask gently and Astarion arches his eyebrow but obliges, watching you raise your hand.

Your thumb carefully brushes his cheek, stroking a small drop of dried blood on his skin.

“Missed a spot,” you smile softly, wiping it away with the corner of your sleeve.

“…Thank you.” Astarion closes his eyes and leans into your touch for a moment, his lips brushing against the fabric wrapped around your arm.

You nod, satisfied, and lean back, reaching into the pouch still hanging on your belt, and luring out something small and delicate - a white flower with pointed, like a star, petals.

“A present! I found this while I was walking,” you say with a bashful smile. “It looked just like a star. Reminded me of you.”

He hums, both touched and amused. “Because my imperishable beauty outshines even the stars above?”

“Because you always shine, even in the dark,” you reply simply and tuck the flower behind his ear.

Astarion blinks, caught off guard for a moment, before a real, tender smile blooms on his lips.

He leans in and softly places a kiss on your forehead, then draws you close to his chest.

“So do you, my sweet.”

🌿 Meet my Tav 🌿

First step into my BG3 journey: meet Roanael!

half-elf druid | sage background | neutral good

Wild shape enthusiast, book lover, wise leader with a fierce heart 🦊✨

Stats:

Strength 10

Dexterity 14

Constitution 14

Intelligence 8

Wisdom 17

Charisma 15

Personality:

Cautious, observant, strong-willed, caring, witty, gentle presence, independent, weakness for children and animals

Values:

Kindness, patience, freedom of choice, protecting others, survival, trust, intuition, loyalty

👥 Born in Baldur’s Gate to a human druid and a wood elf mother, Roanael has always lived between two worlds - the restless energy of the city and the quiet pull of the wilds. She never fully belonged to either, but maybe that’s why she learned to stand steady on her own. This duality became her strength: thoughtful, patient and observant, she learned to find her own path, blending curiosity with an unwavering spirit!

📚 Never taught by any circle, she learned her way from books and nature, making her quite an open-minded druid who trusts her heart more than any teachings. Growing up in a multicultural place like Baldur’s Gate only supported her non-intrusive character as in letting everyone choose their way as long as it doesn’t cross boundaries.

🍃 Roanael is the kind of person who listens first, speaks second. She's cautious but never cold, brave but not reckless. Her journey began simply: survive, protect her companions, find a cure for the tadpole threatening them all. She wasn’t searching for anything more, be it glory or love.

🌙 But fate had other plans when she met a certain pale elf with a sharp tongue, a wounded soul and a spark of something she couldn’t turn away from.

🧡 When you meet her, she might seem reserved. But if you stay long enough, you'll see it: the fierce loyalty, the witty humor, the warmth she keeps tucked away under the guarded exterior.

About her name: I was completely unfamiliar with the world and had no idea what to expect, so without thinking much about it, I simply chose a name I usually use in all games for my female characters - Roanne. While it isn’t unusual for a half-elf to have a human sounding name it felt a bit weird as it didn’t properly separate her from my other game characters and I decided to give her a different name: after giving it a lot of thought I settled down on Roanael - which is basically the original one with some elven twist added to it.

(P.S. If you’re curious about Roanael’s family I have shared a little more about them here!)