Jalakanyaka - Seine

i keep telling myself and others that i never thought i would make it to 18 and its true in a way but i never thought i would be the reason behind it. the future remains illogical to me, like unscrewing a laptop and attempting to dissect the complicated mechanics when i'm no expert and do not even know the linguistic term of someone who specializes in laptops. i am not even a beginner, i was chosen in a random lottery by a greater force that i vaguely and barely believe in (i probably don't) and i had to be here as a creature, a specimen riddled with anxiety and pressure and stomach aches that come and go before the mental breakdowns. i can't even imagine what lies ahead of me and i'm too scared to. i wish i wasn't this old i wish i could just curl into my mothers arms and kiss her cheek and let her caress my face as the afternoon light shines but fails to interrupt my well deserved nap. i wish i could just love the four people i was aware the existence of and not explore the crevices of my social life and remain clean of all emotional ties that cause further pain because i'm sure heartbreak would ruin me. i wish to remain in a jelly form, floating away into the unknown ocean that i am terrified of but cannot help having a bit of curiosity for. i wish i wish i wish. i wish i didn't have to turn 18 as it serves as an unfair reminder for the ill preparation i have planned for my next steps, i wish i could make my parents proud.

ill find a new place to be from

Is it so hard to hope for love

i think the hardest part is knowing that i'm temporary in someone else's life. in everyone's life. i feel like i spend a second in their life, make a small splash, then i drown in the water, and make zero impact when i crash. i'm simply a phase, a trend that will die, a cloud that passed through the day, a bug that lives two weeks, something that can't be forever. i can't be forever in someone's life. i know i can't. i just pass through them and even when their life flashes before their eyes, they probably won't remember me because there is nothing worth remembering. i am just a gust of wind, i'll flow with the wind and return to the sea

srsly tho. i need a digital camera

i need a digital camera so i can take the same pictures i take with my phone but through a different grainer perspective that makes me think that the future isn't here yet and i'm still in 2013 and i'm not left behind grieving after who i could've been

the need to be everything and nothing but more and more until all things are nothing and im just something that doesnt exist

I gotta say lesbianism is my own personality trait im exactly what the stereotype says

i just want my mind to be quiet and my eyes to rest I feel like a foreign parasite in my own body and my stomach is suffocating from being smothered by guilt. i wish i could be normal, was i ever going to be normal? if everything was okay, if it didn't happen, could i have been someone who could feel normally, could love normally, and could leave normally? instead, i'm a small version of a human being that has worry etched onto her heart and tormented by endless stomachaches. i want to go home and be 14 again. i want to be with my entire family and feel like nothing will change and everything is insignificant. i want to go back to even if nothing was different because at least i didn't have to look back on years of abandoned self growth

i'm so in love with the "legend" that your beauty marks / moles are where your lover liked to kiss you the most in your past life. like how beautiful is it that some pretty girl who loved me kissed me all over my back and neck and hands in some past life and i get to carry all of that love with me in this life ?? that is lovely to think about