Ill Find A New Place To Be From

i wish i could end everything but im a coward

i wish i had an older person to take care of me forever. someone who'll kiss me and care for me and tell me that everything will be alright. someone that will tell me what to wear and what to eat so my mind will remain clear and i don't have to worry about anything other than suffocating in their smell and their warmth and i can just follow them and do what they want because the thought of following my own mind scares me and i am worried i'm going to be the reason for my own demise because i am evil. i want a heroine to sleep with me forever and kiss my neck so i can remain sane. is that codependency

I'm afraid that I will never commit suicide and will suffer for the rest of my days.

thinking about that quote by anne carson, "I am someone who did not die when I should have died." and yeah. im wandering the earth with an empty heart and a filled mind like a sick little ghost. it hurts even more when i dont fit into the atmosphere around me and everything feels drowsy and unsettled. im not meant to be here i was meant to disperse and dissolve and disappear years ago and u can tell because i dont fit into this world. im not part of this world like everyone else. im too empty to care and live and love

this cruel envy fills me whenever i see that others are doing worse than me. i think it's a superiority complex or a messed up inferiority complex but there's this voice inside me that parrots "you must always be doing worse than them." everything feels like a competition for the worse because those who feel bad also get attention and i want that attention. i want people to care about me, i want to be sick so people can acknowledge that i'm sick and think about and talk about me like conversation topics so i feel special to them, no matter how terrible it is. i know it would be impossible to achieve this through good things like awards or competitions, so i'll get the attention in the one way i can: by suffering and making everyone aware of it. i'm not good enough that people will care so i'll be sick enough so they'll be forced to care

The last girl I kissed sent me this photo she is so sweet I can’t wait until she comes back from the sea I miss her more than I have let on

yeah it hurts when u lose people but it hurts more when they just drift away from u. then it feels like an act of fate that cant be controlled and not because of either of u. its just because thats how things are and u cant stop the fact u've outgrown each other or the fact u aren't their person anymore

A.F. Vandevorst installation for Arnhem Mode Biennale 2011

“A girl sleeping in a hospital bed in her A.F. Vandevorst dress. But here, the girl as well as the mattress and pillow are made out of candle wax. Once lit, what starts as a perfect image will slowly melt and perish during the biennale.”

i just want my mind to be quiet and my eyes to rest I feel like a foreign parasite in my own body and my stomach is suffocating from being smothered by guilt. i wish i could be normal, was i ever going to be normal? if everything was okay, if it didn't happen, could i have been someone who could feel normally, could love normally, and could leave normally? instead, i'm a small version of a human being that has worry etched onto her heart and tormented by endless stomachaches. i want to go home and be 14 again. i want to be with my entire family and feel like nothing will change and everything is insignificant. i want to go back to even if nothing was different because at least i didn't have to look back on years of abandoned self growth

loneliness is not a disease it is a medicine to be alone with your thoughts and release the crinkled eyebrows you've been holding in all day and it feels upsetting to not have the presence of another person but then you are aware of your own soul overtaking the room and filling you up with your warmth and suddenly you are burning like a blue flame because you forgot the kind person you are and everything is okay in the world for the moment you are able to sip some water and curl in your bed and its lonely but its your comfort