Blue (2002)

Is it so hard to hope for love

“your my best friend, now i’ve got no one to tell i’ve lost my best friend.”

….

i know i was meant to live near the ocean so i could sit on the sandy beach, talk to the waves and walk into the water when my time is done

this cruel envy fills me whenever i see that others are doing worse than me. i think it's a superiority complex or a messed up inferiority complex but there's this voice inside me that parrots "you must always be doing worse than them." everything feels like a competition for the worse because those who feel bad also get attention and i want that attention. i want people to care about me, i want to be sick so people can acknowledge that i'm sick and think about and talk about me like conversation topics so i feel special to them, no matter how terrible it is. i know it would be impossible to achieve this through good things like awards or competitions, so i'll get the attention in the one way i can: by suffering and making everyone aware of it. i'm not good enough that people will care so i'll be sick enough so they'll be forced to care

i cant tell my older brother that ill be forever envious of his first baby because i was his first baby so ill suffer

i think about my best friend from middle school and how i still follow him on social media and watch him do photography of cats and concerts and how i wish i could tell him i miss him and love him and how he was my first everything and i can't thank him enough for being everything to me. i think about how bitter i feel when i see him with other people but now miles separate us and i wonder if he feels the same about me i wonder if he misses me. i still carry the pink rock he gave me years ago. i call it my lucky rock and it goes with me everywhere i go

and i wish to be angelic and for plants and flowers to grow in the path i walk and not because i am holy but because i am so beautiful they cannot resist

but i also wish to drink all of the water on this world and rub the dirt onto my body until i become part of it and the plants and flowers become part of me and the water flows from the pores of my body and we all become lost in the complete tranquillity and lunacy of it all and my mind drowns in the middle and i no longer exist as a form of anything but a planet in the vast universe of vaster universes and the milky way swallows me up as we wander together

favorite word to abuse is percieve