The Soundtrack Ripping My Soul Right Out Of My Body Didn’t Help Either

meeee

Aftersun (2022) dir. Charlotte Wells

and in between all the cooking and dishwashing, i let myself take a breath but i just get reminded of how empty i feel inside and nothing is okay for a while

back home

# those adults that were like second parents for you and cared and loved you like so. suddenly you grew away from their eyes and they cant grasp that youre 19 and no longer 11 but they still understand you more than anyone else

seeing people from your childhood that knew you before you knew yourself is nostalgic but it kills you when you realize they dont know you now

i went to the doctors today. they told me something was wrong with me but i think they are just afraid i will tell you what the milky way is saying

to love like a dog

ada limón, roadside attractions with the dogs of america // emily wilson, the odyssey // u.k // andrew kane, how to be a dog // mitski, i’m your man // u.k // u.k

this cruel envy fills me whenever i see that others are doing worse than me. i think it's a superiority complex or a messed up inferiority complex but there's this voice inside me that parrots "you must always be doing worse than them." everything feels like a competition for the worse because those who feel bad also get attention and i want that attention. i want people to care about me, i want to be sick so people can acknowledge that i'm sick and think about and talk about me like conversation topics so i feel special to them, no matter how terrible it is. i know it would be impossible to achieve this through good things like awards or competitions, so i'll get the attention in the one way i can: by suffering and making everyone aware of it. i'm not good enough that people will care so i'll be sick enough so they'll be forced to care