Good Psychological Horror Got Me Kicking My Feet And Giggling

person a: when i love someone, i gaslight them

person b: you don’t gaslight me

person a: of course i do

person b: no, i don’t think you do

person a: yeah, i do, i gaslight you all the time, darling. how could you forget?

the urge-ish urge to urge when your urges urge

"Not to be annoying-"

no. be annoying! own it. bother your friends. we're all weird and need attention here! Be the nuisance you wish to see in the world

"you don't have to perform around me" sweetheart i have to perform in front of myself

i honestly don’t know how this happened but somewhere between my childhood and formative years i forgot how to exist like a normal person and started to either overthink everything or make disastrous choices without any proper thinking at all. no middle ground whatsoever

Oh sunk-cost fallacy, we're really in it now. We are in fact so really in it that if we quit now then everything we did would have all been for nothing and so we have to keep going in

thinking about how when you experience a lot of shame in your formative years (indirectly, directly, as abuse or just as an extant part of your environment) it becomes really difficult to be perceived by other people in general. the mere concept of someone watching me do anything, whether it's a totally normal activity or something unfamiliar of embarrassing, whether I'm working in an excel spreadsheet or being horny on main, it just makes my skin crawl and my brain turn to static because I cannot convince myself that it's okay to be seen and experienced. because to exist is to be ashamed and embarrassed of myself, whether I'm failing at something or not, because my instinctive reaction to anyone commenting on ANYTHING I'm doing is to crawl into a hole and die. it's such a bizarre and dehumanizing feeling to just not be able to exist without constantly thinking about how you are being Perceived. ceaseless watcher give me a god damn break.

im so calm and normal but also if im misunderstood by people in a way i cannot control i will tear apart the fibers of the universe

tumblr is for putting your stuff somewhere that's not secret but also not for anyone particular to see so it's true neutral in a really nice way