I'm The Kind Of Person Who Likes To Be By Himself. To Put A Finer Point On It, I'm The Type Of Person

“Change your conception of yourself and you will automatically change the world in which you live. Do not try to change people; they are only messengers telling you who you are. Revalue yourself and they will confirm the change.”

— Neville Goddard

#DiaryOfAGirlMisunderstood

The Letter I was Afraid to Send

It wasn’t that the feeling for you wasn’t there. It wasn’t that the love I have for you was momentary and based on temporary stimulations - I just wasn’t ready.

Thank you for being who you are, for the man you are. I wasn’t ready for the direction you were heading in. I wasn’t ready to hold your hand and be your eyes when you lose your way. I wasn’t ready to be part of a storyline that I felt I felt I had no part in.

Parts of me were scared of you, scared of the depths that exist within you. My own biggest fear was that my own inhibitions would throw rocks on your path and slow you down from getting to your destination. I was scared my flaws hindered you from being the man you want to be. I was scared that my own shortcomings would become your shortcomings because pain has a way becoming contagious when you’re in a relationship with someone who feels as deep as you do.

At that time, I felt that I was being considerate. Now I realize how selfish I was I can admit I should’ve been better and that you definitely deserve better

“I think a guy fighting for his relationship and showing his feelings is more attractive than someone who acts like they don’t give a fuck.”

— Unknown

James Baldwin, If Beale Street Could Talk

03/10/2021

It wasn’t a long time ago,though it supposedly was.

Here I laid,in this same bed,hugging my covers as tightly as I could,

genuinely wishing to become one with them and vanish in that exact moment.

It felt like a void,the harshest and heaviest one could experience within their bodily existence.

My mind,an abyss.

My body,an havoc.

Somewhere,somehow,I envisioned a version of me which could grasp that forlorn warmth.

She welcomed it in the most easy-going manner,very-well knowing how fleeting that emotion would be.

It was not light,nor was it fuzzy,or bubbling or anything at all.

It just was.

It was right.

May it be precognition or the strength of my will,I do know that THAT was the precursor to who I am now.

I’m alive,living who I yearned to be.

And a lot more than than that as well.

Tranquility engulfs me;

to breathe

feels redundantly inadequate.

The sky

urges my meekness

to come forth.

As a sombre feeling

now lays itself on my heart,

a forlorn memory

makes its way

across my walls.

A nurtured wish;

A longing for the unattainable;

A void wishing to be filled.

No more than an instant,

yet unreachable from this well.

And as upon me

the start begin their show,

I have but two choices:

drown,

or rushing into a dead sprint.

Though I am keen

on embracing my wish,

I luck the strenght

to get on my feet.

“it was a cry / meant for no one / but the moon—”

— Sujata Bhatt, from “The Langur Coloured Night”, Collected Poems

damn baby you are beyond mortal comprehension, wanna make me insane?

Do you know what I mean when I say that sometimes I don’t have any feelings or emotions? I’m not in a good mood, or a bad mood. I just sit there, by myself, and think. I over think sometimes. I think about what has happened, what will happen, and what could have happened. I think about you, I think about what’s wrong in my life, I think about how I can get myself out of this stage, I think about why I got here in the first place. I think about everything and anything.