The Plot Of ‘The Hobbit’ With One Small Change To The Story: Bilbo Has A Gun.

Eeeeghhh 😬 who would have thought it, my mental health I’ve been neglecting finally caught up with me.

Guess who is taking a mental health day tomorrow and staying in bed?

I quit vaping because I started to keep like Gollum. Now it just sits inside my dresser and sometimes I look at it.

😔

Me, addicted to my phone: this is what Frodo felt like

*doing a magical girl transformation from Kili to Thorin because I washed, brushed, oiled and put my little braids back in my hair *

Hey so what if Bilbo fully just drove Sting up through Azogs chest on the Karak and that was the end of it?

I love time travel AUs so much so let me just…

Avenge the living.

Tw: graphic depictions of battle (very graphic)

Bilbo watched in horror as Thorin was flung across the outcrop like a rag doll, hitting the flat rock like a body on a sacrificial stone, at best he had the wind knocked out of him, at worst he’d have a broken back.

Last time this had all happened he’s managed to walk away but Bilbo honestly couldn’t remember if he had fallen like that before. He cringed and steeled himself.

In the black speech Azog summoned a minion almost his own size to behead Thorin.

Last time it had all been flailing, desperate chaos, this time Bilbo sucked in a deep breath and sprinting, sword forward and close to his side until the final moment where he thrust Sting up and in, somewhere between the orcs floating rib, he yanked upwards on the handle of the blade and heard the putrid popping and sloshing as he rended the side of his blade though the orcs central mass, all it could do was look shocked for two seconds before collapsing dead on top of the king. Bilbo hadn’t turned his sword to catch in the orcs ribs and easily pulled it free. It stunk of the guts it had just shorn through and Bilbo tried not to wretch, he didn’t have time, in two more seconds the company would decent and this would be Bilbos only chance.

He had to kill the white orc. Tonight.

When the fighting began Bilbo was glad to see that for the remainder of his last life what small amount of practice he had kept up with a blade had done him good and sting felt all to right in his hands so when he came nose to nose with the great Worg matriarch that Azog rode upon, Bilbo suprised even himself when he thrust his sword up, piercing the monster from the chin up into her brain, the beast didn’t even howl, she just crumbled, Azogs eyes went wide as he toppled.

The rest of the company continued to dispatch the remaining orcs and Bilbo knew it would be only seconds until the great eagles arrived. It didn’t matter. He had lived his life before and if it ended now it would have been a fine life, full of love and adventure and he would be remembered well.. So while Azog was still freeing himself from under his dead mount Bilbo charged, silent as the grave, leaping onto the Worgs side and propelling himself straight for Azog in what must have looked like a tackle. But he had to intention of grappling the monster, instead he blade shot out again, lower then he would have liked, somewhere around the orcs kidneys, Bilbo assumed. It didn’t matter, he turned the blade vertically and shoved hard and up, until the gash he made in the orcs side was large enough for his hands to regrettably follow the blade in.

Oh course it couldn’t be so easy. Azog was a great and terrible warrior and he would not go down without taking someone with him, his prosthetic blade stabbed deep into Bilbos chest.

Everything seemed to grow quiet and slow, Bilbos heart was all he could hear as he starred down at Azog as blood bubbled out of the orcs mouth and Bilbo actually smiled. He wasn’t sure if he said it or thought it but “For Thorin” where the last words to cross the hobbits mind before it all went black.

Lost in that darkness he was sure he could hear people calling his name. Maybe it was the elves, rousing him for tea.. or maybe it was young Frodo, trying to get him to carry on with what ever story he dozed off half way through.

“Bilbo!”

“Burglar!”

No one in Rivendale or the Shire had ever called him.. Burglar.. so where was he?

These results are thus far disheartening, my dear followers please don’t let the elves win, lend me your votes

A drawing of Thorin that baby Dis got ahold of and added some important details that the artist left out (sorry Dis)

No one talks about this but when you wear a hand full of heavy rings you can clack your fingers together and it’s very soothing, I do it a lot when I’m stressed, sometimes I just tap them together when my hands are clasped.

Took my niece on a walk through the forest and she tugged on my sleeve and told me two things:

“I’m hungry” (we just ate three scones and had hot drinks)

“We need to go back so I can get my books” (I wouldn’t let her take seven books on a hike.)

My sister has raised a hobbit.

I have also convinced her that I am 48, I tried to tell her I’m 250 but she looked at me and said I wasn’t that old. (I’m 23)

Okay I’ll upload some real art now sorry

Au where thorin and Bilbo grew up together coz I like being happy

They’re such cute wee bubs

I hate when your brain plays the old “crazy how your sitting here right now reading and one day you’ll be dead” card

Like yeah, that’s how this works buddy. Thanks for making me feel depressed for no reason though I guess