Seojvns‌:

I used to think I was tough, but then I realized I wasn’t. I was fragile and I wore thick fucking armor. And I hurt people so they couldn’t hurt me. And I thought that was what being tough was, but it isn’t.

James Frey 

He has lost his first love. He’s a motherless child of a brutal and distant father. He’s outside everything and against everything, a nihilist who feels only hatred for this world.

Paul Friswold

anvya‌:

“hey now, don’t make fun of my board games,” she giggles before poking his nose. grabbing a few pieces of popcorn, she tosses one in her mouth before feeding one to kian as well. “my dad always talked about the game nights he had with his parents and siblings and how he really enjoyed them, so he kind of passed that tradition down to me and my sibling. i’m sure most teenagers would rather do anything than play boardgames with their parents, but…i dunno, call me crazy, but i actually really enjoyed it.” of course, her feelings for why she enjoyed it ran much deeper than kian would understand. all she ever wanted was for her birth parents to acknowledge her, to simply say hi or i love you, and never got that. with her adoptive parents, they gave her that and more. they made time for her and her sibling, always making sure they reminded the both of them how important they were. because of that, game nights were her favorite time of the week. 

annya hadn’t realized she got lost in her thoughts until she feels kian kiss her, this time a littler deeper before pulling away, causing the girl to pout for a moment before shaking her head, “mm, as fun as that sounds, i kind of like where we are right now. just…being close and talking…” she blushes, simply because they were pretty close physically, and it was the most physical she truly had gotten with anyone. sure, annya had her first kiss in high school, and even let wandering hands fool around but nothing ever went further than that. despite her relationship with kian still being somewhat new, she actually felt more comfortable around him than she did with anyone else before. it was scary, yet almost comforting at the same time. “that sounds wonderful,” she smiles as he talks about california. “sunshine and warm weather all the time? my flowers and plants could have such a better place to grow. does that mean you’ve never built a snowman before? because if you haven’t, we might have to change that asap.” 

it’s around this time in his other relationships that kian would tune out, only nodding here and there in all the right spots to make them think he was listening. but when it comes to annya, he actually is listening. he wants to know everything about her, every little detail, and experience things that no one else has. he’s treading dangerous waters, but he just doesn’t know how to stop; he doesn’t know if he even wants to. “yeah?” he raises a brow, chewing on the piece of popcorn she had fed him. “which was your favorite?” he asks. he has honestly never once in his life played a board game and can’t even begin to imagine what it would be like to sit down with his father and do something so simple. they couldn’t even be in the same house together without wanting to rip each other’s heads off. it tugs on something buried deep within him and reminds him that nothing about his upbringing was normal. and nothing about his life ever will be.

he doesn’t feel sorry for himself though because he’s worked through all that and he’s accepted it. but that doesn’t stop the what ifs from swirling around in his head. “really? i’m kinda boring.” he smiles, watching as the blush blooms across her cheeks. he finds it incredibly endearing, but it makes him wonder. he and annya have never really discussed their past sexual experiences and they also haven’t gone very far together. his endeavors paint a long list, but he’s good at reading people and he has a feeling that hers is much, much shorter. that’s why he has to be careful. he doesn’t want to push her away. he brings his right hand up and tucks a piece of hair behind her ear, chewing on the inside of his cheek. he’s used to playing the part of the perfect boyfriend, but he’s never had to worry about what messing it up might mean. “nope.” he confirms, popping the ‘p’. “i mean, i’ve built a sand snowman but never an actual one.” he explains. “to be honest, i’m not a huge fan of the cold. call me a pussy but i’d much—” he pauses to plant a kiss to the corner of her mouth, “rather—” he places another to the opposite side, “stay—” and finally captures her lips with his own, “right here.”

☆ — who : @seojvns ☆ — when : february of 2019 ☆ — where : the campus library

“just trust me.” kian whispers, placing the flashlight between his teeth. he shifts his weight from one leg to the other in his crouched position and continues moving the bobby pin around in the lock. it’s not the best tool but, when he hears the faint click, he relishes in the fact that it gets the job done. standing to his full height, he plucks the flashlight from his lips and smiles. “after you.” he says, ushering his roommate inside. it seems kind of dumb, and probably confusing, to be breaking into a place that’s open all the time, but he has his reasons. “i figured, before we set out on our little mini road trip, that we could come here first. and, before you say anything—” he cuts in, making the trek through each of the aisles separating the different shelves, “i know i can technically come here whenever i want.” he says, finally stopping to grab a book.

“but it’s always so busy, it’s frustrating. plus, it’s kinda cool being somewhere you’re not supposed to be, yeah?” he quirks a brow, a small smile on his face that he isn’t sure seojun can even make out in the dark. tucking the book under his arm, kian steps around the corner and begins pushing two of the tables together. once he’s satisfied, he climbs on top of them and lays down on his back. “come.” he instructs, patting the space next to him. “let’s find some shit to do, places to go.” he says as he opens the travel book in his hands. “need you to hold the flashlight for me.” he says, turning his own off.

✦

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kian is good at what he does, good at pretending to be someone he’s not but, every now and then, the cracks start to show. especially when he’s had a bit to drink, his face flushed, and vision blurry. that’s when he truly has to be careful because, if not, pieces of the real kian show through. pieces he wants no one to see. it’s in times like these that he wishes he lived alone, but he doesn’t. he has a roommate; one that, admittedly, may be his favorite plaything. which is somewhat disastrous because while, in normal circumstances, he bathes in the admiration and the attention that seojun gives him, in others, he finds himself ready to snap. sometimes he needs to be alone, to get his head together, and this is one of those times. he can’t be pretend kian right now, he just can’t. he doesn’t have it in him. but he also doesn’t want seojun to see. “can you just—” he grits his teeth, fitting his hands between their bodies to shove the other boy away, “back off?!”

his eyes narrow, brows knitting together. “i’m fine.” he states, emphasizing the period of his sentence for finality. he doesn’t want to argue, he just wants to go to bed. “you don’t need to babysit me, you’re not my mother.” he throws out, the words bitter on his tongue and slightly slurred. he stumbles over his own feet, but catches himself on the armrest of their worn down couch. “i can get drunk if i want to, when i want to.” he adds, but he’s really just arguing with the air at this point. seojun is too nice for this type of confrontation. especially when it comes to kian. he shrugs off his jacket and kicks off his shoes, tripping over the laces. he curses under his breath, but doesn’t let it stop him on the way to his room. “goodnight!” he calls over his shoulder, raising his hand to wave him off. 

SEOJUN: one of us has to be the responsible one, but know it’s out of love!! SEOJUN: it’s impossible to be too nice to you, you deserve all the niceness in the world SEOJUN: that’s what you want me to think, huh?? :( SEOJUN: fineeee fine. if you sayyyy so SEOJUN: like anything you want!!  SEOJUN: or whatever i want if you’re feeling adventurous 😊

KIAN: be responsible some other time 😕 KIAN: you really think so? KIAN: c’mon do you think that i’d lie to you? KIAN: anything?? thats dangerous territory KIAN: why don’t we just skip out on this week KIAN: forget our classes forget our responsibilities KIAN: we can go on a mini road trip 

☆ — ❛ snap : kian ▶ seojun. ❜

SEOJUN: very tempting SEOJUN: but you should study!!  SEOJUN: i can give you a few of my tips if you think it’ll help!! SEOJUN: like listening to classical music!! cause music w lyrics… distracting SEOJUN: and writing things over and over helps me remember things SEOJUN: do you need me to bring you coffee?? 

KIAN: ur too much of a good influence KIAN: i’m lit fallin asleep over here KIAN: ur suppose to encourage my bad behavior KIAN: good tips tho thanks ur the best 😘 KIAN: i would say yes but i have to say no KIAN: ur too distracting lmao KIAN: if you come over then nothin will get done

☆ — ❛ snap : kian ▶ seojun. ❜

dashicns‌:

━ ❛ @kians

if there was someone who understood dashi like no other it was definitely kian, they both went through some traumatic stuff as kids but somehow came out of it kicking and screaming. the first time he met kian he just knew something was off with the boy; his smile was a little too bright and his eyes a little too vacant for dashi to believe any of the sweet words that were coming out of his mouth. he knew what it was like to bottle up everything inside and not let anyone ever see a peak of what’s truly inside and to have someone who related to that felt a little good. “kiaaaaaaaan!” dashi screamed as he burst into the others room with his baggie and drinks. they didn’t plan to meet up but the boy needed a break from life and kian provided that. they got to let go and truly be their true selves around each other and it was a nice for a change.

boredom is the bane of kian’s existence; he’s lucky that he doesn’t have to deal with it often. but today is one of the few times that he just has nothing to do. everyone is either busy with classes or work and he’s annoyed because he doesn’t take precedent over any of that. it’s unfair. so, instead of actually doing something productive, he’s pouting in bed; alone. he might as well be watching the paint on his walls peel. fuck it, he thinks, as he reaches down to unbutton his jeans. he can at least jerk off and enjoy a little pleasure to pass the time. but he doesn’t even get to do that before his bedroom door is being thrown open and his name is being yelled out in a deep baritone. he would know who it was from a mile away.

“god, dashi. don’t you ever knock?” he berates, though he doesn’t actually care. he’s thankful for the distraction, for the company. “i was literally about two seconds away from sticking my hand down my pants.” he states, jumping up from his position and snatching the baggy from dashi’s hands. “what’d you bring?” he questions, looking over at the drinks that he’s carrying as well. he already feels more relaxed just in the other’s presence. it’s nice to not have to be anyone but himself, but it’s something that doesn’t happen often. in fact, it exclusively happens around dashian. it almost feels like a breath of fresh air, like he’s finally been saved from drowning. “and please, for the love of god, tell me you don’t have any plans for today. i’m on my deathbed out here.”