Cooked Him Fried Him Boiled Him Alive

My deepest darkest fantasy is that I collapse on the street and I am rushed to the hospital. They perform a bunch of tests and find out I am severely deficient in some kind of vitamin. Then I start taking the vitamin and I become the happiest cleverest person alive because all my problems were caused by this one deficiency

i truly cannot IMAGINE what it would be like to attend palmetto state university

like wdym the two confirmed murderers are majoring in CRIMINAL JUSTICE and FUCKING PREMED respectively why is no one worried about this

why is 6’1 broody asshole tattooed exy prodigy kevin day getting unreasonably heated in his classical history socratic seminars

and allison??? like imagine if kendall jenner got disowned and joined a fucking college hockey team

why does the redhead from calculus look like hes about to kill himself every time his phone buzzes

why does the angelic pastel haired reborn christian regularly spar with the evil blonde twunk

why does the redhead from calculus have a maserati but literally only wears clothes from walmart

what could they have possibly done to deserve getting all the psu athletes cars destroyed, and even having animal carcasses left inside

it must be especially crazy as another athlete in the tower bc they overhear the craziest shit. like imagine just chilling with the soccer team and one door down the exy players are screaming in 5 different languages and trying their level best to kill each other so you go to the coach and he just brushes it off like nah that happens sometimes don’t worry

and no one for the life of them can figure out who’s dating who on that team bc kevin follows andrew around like a lost puppy despite being a full foot taller, but he has a weird love-hate mutually obsessive relationship with neil, but neil’s the only person who andrew answers to and kevin has an equally big crush on jeremy knox, but andrew spends all his time with making up hypothetical apocalypse scenarios with renee, who might be dating the teams resident millionaire supermodel who wears rainbow stilettos and also was involved with the guy who got murdered, and their coach and nurse are def a thing too like what

there are just SO many outsider povs that i desperately need

- the busboy who got grabbed by some blasted tiny menace begging him to punch his lights out for 100 bucks, and then did

- kathy ferdinand.

- the guy who randomly gave this absolutely plastered pro athlete a facial tattoo at like 3 in the morning

- wymack standing there watching neil just straight up stick andrew’s hand up his shirt

- roland thinking andriel were fucking the whole time come to find out he accidentally outed andrew’s raging neil boner and probably got the shit beaten out of him

- any fbi agents/members of law enforcement that have interacted with (ie. been subjected to and terrorized by) one neil josten

- the cheerleader squad in millport that neil had beef with

- katelyn discovering her boyfriend and his twin brother made a lifelong bros before hoes pact that they’re both actively breaking

- the reporter listening to kevin say that his broken hand wasn’t an accident, wymack is his father, he’s never going back to the ravens, and then proceeded to have a panic attack

- the other ravens during the Riko Roast who had no clue who this mouthy little fuckwad was, watched him verbally eviscerate their leader, then see him weeks later at the nest playing on their field with a court number tat, only for him to fuck off and never come back

- also literally any other exy team at these banquets watching The Kevin Day regularly chug half a bottle of liquor on the bus before walking into formal galas

- the waitress in the mountains who saw neil post-torture and got the explanations of skateboarding, bad breakup, and fell into a tank of piranhas, simultaneously

- that guy who sold neil his new racket only to turn on tv later to find out it was used as a murder weapon, and the dude still wants more of them

- the workers at eden who watched one of their regulars attempt to kill 4 grown men and the other one later successfully kill one

- the sports announcers reporting as riko literally tries to murder neil live on national television

Yes it fit me lmao 😂

which ao3 tag are you?

passages that make me want to hit Xichen with a steel chair

happy birthday neil homojosten pretty sure you’re the same age as my mother now

we should globally ban the introduction of more powerful computer hardware for 10-20 years, not as an AI safety thing (though we could frame it as that), but to force programmers to optimize their shit better

Plot armor but it’s Bruce Wayne’s wealth.

Bruce is one of the richest men in the world. Bruce does not want to be one of the richest men in world.

He starts by implementing high starting salaries and full health care coverages for all levels at Wayne Enterprises. This in vastly improves retention and worker productivity, and WE profits soar. He increases PTO, grants generous parental and family leave, funds diversity initiatives, boosts salaries again. WE is ranked “#1 worker-friendly corporation”, and productively and profits soar again.

Ok, so clearly investing his workers isn’t the profit-destroying doomed strategy his peers claim it is. Bruce is going to keep doing it obviously (his next initiative is to ensure all part-time and contractors get the same benefits and pay as full time employees), but he is going to have to find a different way to dump his money.

But you know what else is supposed to be prohibitively expensive? Green and ethical initiatives. Yes, Bruce can do that. He creates and fund a 10 year plan to covert all Wayne facilities to renewable energy. He overhauls all factories to employ the best environmentally friendly practices and technologies. He cuts contracts with all suppliers that engage in unethical employment practices and pays for other to upgrade their equipment and facilities to meet WE’s new environmental and safety requirements. He spares no expense.

Yeah, Wayne Enterprises is so successful that they spin off an entire new business arm focused on helping other companies convert to environmentally friendly and safe practices like they did in an efficient, cost effective, successful way.

Admittedly, investing in his own company was probably never going to be the best way to get rid of his wealth. He slashes his own salary to a pittance (god knows he has more money than he could possibly know what to do with already) and keeps investing the profits back into the workers, and WE keeps responding with nearly terrifying success.

So WE is a no-go, and Bruce now has numerous angry billionaires on his back because they’ve been claiming all these measures he’s implementing are too expensive to justify for decades and they’re finding it a little hard to keep the wool over everyone’s eyes when Idiot Softheart Bruice Wayne has money spilling out his ears. BUT Bruce can invest in Gotham. That’ll go well, right?

Gotham’s infrastructure is the OSHA anti-Christ and even what little is up to code is constantly getting destroyed by Rogue attacks. Surely THAT will be a money sink.

Except the only non-corrupt employer in Gotham city is….Wayne Enterprises. Or contractors or companies or businesses that somehow, in some way or other, feed back to WE. Paying wholesale for improvement to Gotham’s infrastructure somehow increases WE’s profits.

Bruce funds a full system overhaul of Gotham hospital (it’s not his fault the best administrative system software is WE—he looked), he sets up foundations and trusts for shelters, free clinics, schools, meal plans, day care, literally anything he can think of.

Gotham continues to be a shithole. Bruce Wayne continues to be richer than god against his Batman-ingrained will.

Oh, and Bruice Wayne is no longer viewed as solely a spoiled idiot nepo baby. The public responds by investing in WE and anything else he owns, and stop doing this, please.

Bruce sets up a foundation to pay the college tuition of every Gotham citizen who applies. It’s so successful that within 10 years, donations from previous recipients more than cover incoming need, and Bruce can’t even donate to his own charity.

But by this time, Bruce has children. If he can’t get rid of his wealth, he can at least distribute it, right?

Except Dick Grayson absolutely refuses to receive any of his money, won’t touch his trust fund, and in fact has never been so successful and creative with his hacking skills as he is in dumping the money BACK on Bruce. Jason died and won’t legally resurrect to take his trust fund. Tim has his own inherited wealth, refuses to inherit more, and in fact happily joins forces with Dick to hack accounts and return whatever money he tries to give them. Cass has no concept of monetary wealth and gives him panicked, overwhelmed eyes whenever he so much as implies offering more than $100 at once. Damian is showing worrying signs of following in his precious Richard’s footsteps, and Babs barely allows him to fund tech for the Clocktower. At least Steph lets him pay for her tuition and uses his credit card to buy unholy amounts of Batburger. But that is hardly a drop in the ocean of Bruce’s wealth. And she won’t even accept a trust fund of only one million.

Jason wins for best-worst child though because he currently runs a very lucrative crime empire. And although he pours the vast, vast majority of his profits back into Crime Alley, whenever he gets a little too rich for his tastes, he dumps the money on Bruce. At this point, Bruce almost wishes he was being used for money laundering because then he’s at least not have the money.

So children—generous, kindhearted, stubborn till the day they die the little shits, children—are also out.

Bruce was funding the Justice League. But then finances were leaked, and the public had an outcry over one man holding so much sway over the world’s superheroes (nevermind Bruce is one of those superheroes—but the public can’t know that). So Bruce had to do some fancy PR trickery, concede to a policy of not receiving a majority of funds from one individual, and significantly decrease his contributions because no one could match his donations.

At his wits end, Bruce hires a team of accounts to search through every crinkle and crevice of tax law to find what loopholes or shortcuts can be avoided in order to pay his damn taxes to the MAX.

The results are horrifying. According to the strictest definition of the law, the government owes him money.

Bruce burns the report, buries any evidence as deeply as he can, and organizes a foundation to lobby for FAR higher taxation of the upper class.

All this, and Wayne Enterprises is happily chugging along, churning profit, expanding into new markets, growing in the stock market, and trying to force the credit and proportionate compensation on their increasingly horrified CEO.

Bruce Wayne is one of the richest men in the world. Bruce Wayne will never not be one of the richest men in the world.

But by GOD is he trying.

neil is so cute actually. to me. like imagine him trying to bake smth for andrew and getting flour on his face (all over his clothes rlly) and then showing it to andrew later (it looks terrible. but andrew eats it all and neil just Beams at him) like wow hes so cute :) okay now that you've imagined that please remember his two happiest memories that he uses to fall asleep at night both include someone getting shot in the head. and this is like his counting sheep. this is what he uses as a comforting bed time story. like does this not just make him more cutsie??

Cut off the bad roots