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Numb???? (Rant not a poem)

I Dont know how i am feeling, i just know that i am not okay okay, i look okay but i dont think i am, i want to lie on the floor, i have to convince myself not to eat the same thing over and over, even though that's all i honestly want to eat, its hard to focus and i feel so easily irritable.

I hate having to explain the way I am feeling to people most times I am met with template responses and on the worst side, seemly dismissive responses or passive dismissive responses, like “you will be fine” and the other variations of it, the craziest thing is, I don’t even know what the response should but it makes me want to shrink still, a part of me feels like people avoid me or reduce interaction with me when they can’t quite grasp what I am feeling and that makes me feel alone and like I shouldn’t share how I am feeling but I also know that bottling it up is not the way to go, so no up and no down

Sometimes I daydream or bother line dissociate from my body to relax, I wonder if other people do that too.

They taught us to be quiet about it. To cross our legs. To hide our hunger. To feel shame for the fire that lives between our thighs.

They whispered that good girls don’t touch themselves. That women who love sex are dirty. Easy. Wrong. But they forgot something.

Sex is power. Sex is healing. Sex is fucking holy.

When I touch myself, I’m not being selfish— I’m remembering I’m alive. When I moan, it’s not sin—it’s release. It’s prayer. It’s worship. It’s a woman choosing herself.

I love sex. I love pleasure. I love the wild, untamed, wet, shivering truth of my body.

And there is no shame in that. Not anymore. Not here. Not in this temple I call me.

— Seraphine 💋🔥💦

A friend once said “anxiety leave me alone”

Somehow that felt profound to me, cause I also would very much like to be left alone.

I like to think to myself that my mind is an interesting place, I laugh nowadays when my mind conjures something that we need to be afraid and I think to myself like really, a new one? And chuckle a little.

I think making fun of myself makes me feel like I am more in control.

It really does help.

Hyper independence and help

These days you feel let down, your therapist says accept help, you don’t have to do it all on your own

Almost immediately you start to realize you get a lot of unsolicited support and then instead of saying no, you try a new approach, you say yes why not

You start to feel good, wow it’s nice to be helped until you get 2 disappointing news out of 3 and you feel so deflated and even more alone than you felt when you didn’t accept help

And you wonder why you tried in the first place but you also know you have to keep trying cause disappointment and handling disappointment is part of the learnings

As an introvert, HSP

Living in a highly extroverted world, picking where I choose to extend my energy without feeling ashamed or like I am missing out, is one of the things I want to embody

There are days were the heaviness in my chest is so strong that I want to crawl under the bed or be unconscious for a while till the heaviness lifts off.

Is it always going to be like this?

Not a lot of people talk about GAD but it’s a real and deep struggle on its own

#anxiety #breathless

I miss my lover

I miss the way they laugh, that rings across the room

I miss the way they call to me, which is so specific to them

I miss their quiet presence, with no pretense just them sitting comfortably in their skin,

I miss my lover and the way they bring me food even when i am upset, but

I do not miss the long arguments, the feeling of being unheard or unseen, i do not miss constantly making space for them to expand to exist

With no space for me to be sometimes, i do not miss being a the center of someone else's world or the long winded understanding it requires to love another person

In the space of longing after all is said and done at the core of it all, I miss my lover because love is rarely perfect

Hi there

I hope it hurts a little less today.