Leeisallyouneed - Finding Peace

Feelings that come with a new year

It’s melancholy

You can’t be too excited, lest the entire year doesn’t go as expected

You can’t be too sad because there isn’t any present reason to be

Can you hope?

Sometimes it feels futile, your hope can’t make it go any way either good or bad

So I ask for the strength to seat and be excited about the present, while working towards a reality that I am hopeful about

Very few things

Very few things feel good these days and if they do they last just for a bit, it’s most dire at night, when the sun goes down and the lights are out and there is only you, just about to take a pause on consciousness that’s when the shortness of breath, the ever present pain in your back, the heaviness in your chest all raise their voices and then you try, really try to think about things that feel good and you realize there are afew things, but just very few things.

Missing her

Franca Afegbua was a Nigerian beautician and politician who represented Bendel North in the Nigerian Senate in 1983. She was the first elected woman senator in Nigeria.

On the verge 

This is not a poem or poetry, it’s rambling, I feel close to tears not for anything in particular but because I think I feel everything and nothing all at once, i want them to come get me and make me feel better, i want them to call but i know I don’t want to pick up, I want them to stay and I want them to go, I want the opportunities but I don’t know if I can manage, I want ice cream, berry blast and suya, I want to be home so bad, I want to close the door of my room and disappear, I want to ball my eyes out.

I want to not care so much, while simultaneously caring about everything, I wish I had more bandwidth, I feel loose at the hems, I feel too overstimulated but somehow bored, I want to not exist, I want to not feel, I want to sleep so deeply and only wake up when necessary, I want love, I want to be wanted but also not care about being wanted, I want to move out but stay put.

Nothing helps, nothing helps, should I have fought harder, why does life have so much to do with fighting, even plants fight each other for sunlight, can being alive even ever be categorized as peaceful, I think to be alive is chaos, living is chaotic, the entire universe is chaos with everything hanging on a delicate balance.

This too shall pass, Abi is that this too shall end, anyone Sha, social media is shit, the economy is shit, can I manage my life, myself. Knowing there is something special about myself doesn’t make me feel special, does anyone feel so uncomfortable being seen as I do? I don’t want to need anyone or anything, why do we all need sustenance, why can’t life be just a little easier, to be Nigerian feels like you drew the short straw, do you think we draw straws for the kind of life we get to live?

I passed out once, I think about it sometimes the simple and quiet emptiness of not being conscious or could we also say of not existing, I feel nothing but a low buzz of everything, I know it’s there, I am just disconnected

A little life walks you through the life of 4 friends and it’s a really good book but in there I also see where love and converting intersect, we’re friendship meets envy, we love our friends for who they are and also envy them for who they are