She Still Hadn't Quite Gotten Used To Running Into Dr. Lane, And Every Time She Half-expected Him To

She knew he never meant to, and that just made it worse. He loved love, which had once been something she herself had loved about him. When you were his moment, it was the most intoxicating thing in the world because you were everything. But that's the thing about moments, there's always another right after it. They're fleeting. She'd never been more loved than that time Vitus had loved her, but she had also never had the kind of pain the end brought. She had tried to hurt him back, make him feel what she was feeling, but by the look on his face, he was still the same. It hadn't deterred him from doing it again and again, still chasing love like another high. In actuality, that's all it was by Leyla's estimation.

"Don't." She replied, a mix of malice and flicker of that old brokenness, "you don't get to talk about what I deserve." Because no matter how much she had wanted him to know that she made it, she didn't want to need anything from him. Not now. Everyone in town saw the end result, the polished version she spent decades perfecting. He knew, though, knew what she didn't want anyone to know: it had been a messy, twisted journey, and there had almost been no Leyla Tehrani left to open Mawk Tales at all.

They were both really fucked up, back then and probably still now. She still said mean things like she knew how to hurt him, as if his life had been happy and hers alone had not, but they both knew that wasn't true. He'd had plenty ripped away from him in the blink of an eye. It just still didn't give him the right to be reckless with others. His silence said he knew that.

"I know I am," she replied, once again wishing he wasn't being kind about it. "Then what would it have taken? I spent so much time playing it all back in my head, and--I know I wasn't perfect. I was a lot of work, but I loved you as best I knew how--I couldn't love myself, but you--you were easy to love. If love is really some beautiful and powerful thing, why wasn't that enough to stop you? Did you just want more?" For all the therapy she'd received, this is the one wound she wouldn't let anyone in to see, so it was the one that could re-open so easily. She wanted to pull him close and drown him in the nearby ocean all at the same time, with the same fire. He didn't have any right to ask, and after what he'd done, part of her still wanted the same punishment for him: to never know the answer to those questions. "--Eating? Yes," she relented, "okay might be a totally different question altogether. It doesn't go away, but I've been seeing Dr. Lane at the community center. Keeps me on top of things. But what's still broken in me, Vitus, you cannot fix." She took a breath, lip wobbling in a way that made her curse herself. He could still get right through, and it just made her want to push harder to close right back up. No one was allowed this close, not anymore. He looked better, still sad behind the eyes, but physically, he seemed okay. She wasn't ready to ask yet about him. "I know I said I wanted you to always be miserable, but it doesn't actually make me feel better to see you like this. Love's not real, stop chasing it."

Another agonized wince, as Leyla sliced deeper. But she said it without anger this time. Just laid the truth at his feet, left it there for him to take back, because it wasn't hers anymore and never would be again. And she was right; he'd done his damage. He'd done it over and over, winding lovers and friends around his hands and then spinning them loose repeatedly. Never with the intent to harm, but what difference did it make when harm was all he seemed to be capable of sometimes? Too choked to answer her question directly, Vitus let the remorse in his expression be his response.

And as she spoke of her business, the quaint atmosphere she'd cultivated for herself, Vitus's empathy leaked into his eyes. He tried to rein it in without much success. "That's fantastic, Leyla. Nobody deserves it more than you," he said, and he meant it. Because he remembered how hard she worked for it. How her constant battle for control had left her bone-brittle and frail, on the brink of fracture between his arms.

He did know what it was like, to go to bed happy and have his life turned upside down in the matter of a single day. He'd fallen asleep that fateful November in 2005 as a son, a love-drunk kid, a boyfriend. By the end of the next night, he'd been reduced to a barren street corner and a duffle bag that smelled like a home he no longer had. But he'd never told her that. Vitus had told her about his parents and his homelessness, of course; hers had been the arms he'd retreated to when he finally got that phone call from his mother, saying she wanted to reconnect. But Leyla had only poked around the edges of his wounds, never seen what they looked like when they were bloody and raw. He almost never shared his hurt with anyone back then. And he wouldn't share it with her now. Couldn't, not when he'd already forced her to hold far too much of it when he abruptly exited her life.

"I know. And you're right to. Hate me, I mean." It stung to admit that, especially as he continued picking through the rubble of their short-lived time together. "But it wasn't... Leyla," he sighed, as if exhaling her name could help alleviate some of the weight that had settled over his torso, threatening to cave his ribs in. "It wasn't because you weren't enough. It was never that. It was about me. It's always me." She hadn't believed him back then, and he had no idea if she would believe him now. The animal caged in his chest howled, screamed, wailed for something just out of reach. Vitus wanted to let it out, wanted to show it to her. As it was, he just sighed again and raked his hands through his hair. The ocean breeze almost swallowed his voice as he added, "I know I don't have any right to ask, but are you okay? I mean, have you been... how are you doing, these days?"

TASK #10: GET BOLD

WHERE DO THEY FIT IN

financial / class status: wealthy | middle class | poor

grew up: wealthy | middle class | poor

health / wellness: fit/healthy | moderate | disabled | ill

education: below high school | high school | college | beyond (master's)

legalities: clean record | has a record | trouble / prison

town status: local | new in town (since May 2023) | somewhere in between

lives: downtown | suburbs | coast | countryside

FAMILY LIFE

parents: alive | deceased | unknown

came to be: blood | adopted | other

siblings: multiple siblings | one sibling | only child

extended family: large (aunts, uncles, cousins) | small | none

children: none | has children | wants children

relationship status: single | complicated | taken

if taken: dating | relationship | engaged | married

if single: looking | not looking | whatever happens

pets: no pets | has pets | wants pets

PERSONALITY STUFF

extroverted | introverted | somewhere in between

organized | disorganized | somewhere in between

close minded | open minded | somewhere in between

calm | anxious | somewhere in between

easy to get along with | not so much | somewhere in between

cautious | reckless | somewhere in between

patient | impatient | somewhere in between

outspoken | reserved | somewhere in between

leader | follower | somewhere in between

empathetic | careless | somewhere in between

optimistic | pessimistic | somewhere in between

traditional | modern | somewhere in between

hard-working | lazy | somewhere in between

cultured | uncultured | somewhere in between

BELIEFS AND IDEALS

are they: religious (sort of) | agnostic | atheist

do they believe in ghosts / spirits: yes | no | unsure

the afterlife: yes | no | unsure

reincarnation: yes | no | unsure

aliens: yes | no | unsure

astrology: yes | no | unsure

fate: yes | no | unsure

SEX, ROMANCE & RELATIONSHIPS

sexuality scale: allosexual | in between | asexual | other

romantic scale: allromantic | in between | aromantic | other

experience: virgin | very little | moderate | experienced

number of partners: 0 | 1-5 | 5-10 | 10-25 | 25+

number of relationships: 0 | 1-5 | 10-25 | 25+

preferred partners: men | women | any gender | other | none

relationships: monogamous | polyamorous | other | none

with others: relationship person | casual sex (though less so now) | other | none

in bed: traditional sex | adventurous (potentially with the right person, she'd need to feel safe) | kinks/fetishes | other

ABILITIES AND SKILLS

cooking: good | in between | bad

cleaning: good | in between | bad

musical ability: good | in between | bad

artistic skills: good | in between | bad

driving: good | in between | bad

athleticism: good | in between | bad

swimming: good | in between | bad

horseback riding: good | in between | bad

fishing / hunting: good | in between | bad

gardening: good | in between | bad

communication: good | in between | bad

handiness: good | in between | bad

handwriting: good | in between | bad

technology: good | in between | bad

HABITS, GOOD & BAD

alcohol: excess | frequently | average | infrequently | never

smoking: excess | frequently | average | infrequently | never

pot/weed: excess | frequently | average | infrequently | never (now but tried it before)

drugs: excess | frequently | average | infrequently | never

shopping: excess | frequently | average | infrequently | never

gambling: excess | frequently | average | infrequently | never

sex: excess | frequently | average | infrequently | never

"It is! Once I'm done, I'm happy to let you borrow it if you would like," she offered, "even if you don't own your own business, I think any woman can benefit from some of the lessons." Anything female empowerment should be shared in Leyla's opinion. "Aren't those quite spicy or is the show overselling? I would think that's very exciting," she quipped.

"Oh, that sounds interesting," she commented. She loved anything about empowerment and that sort of thing, and loved how readily available. "That's very bold of you. I'm reading through the Bridgerton books, not very exciting at all, but I enjoy it for what it is."

There was a peace in a small town life, but Leyla wasn't sure that meant she had to be out in the crowd. It let people too close to her, and while it was important for her business that people like her, she wasn't sure she wanted people close enough to see her. She saved herself in the end, and she didn't need anyone trying to help anymore: she didn't need friends, she didn't need saviors, she didn't need anyone.

A book kept some away and others to nothing more than a brief exchange of pleasantries, so she kept it on her like a shield. Maybe that's why she immediately held it to her chest when she heard that voice. It sounded so casual--like the first she'd heard it--she thought she might hurl right here. "No, for you, I don't," she finally managed, feeling that old familiar rage she was sure she'd already worked through rise again like a phoenix from ashes. "You have no business in a small town, Vitus." Hasn't he broken enough people?

@leyla-tehrani Beach Bash: August 26, 2023

A life powered by caffeinated beverages and nightlife meant Vitus had no trouble staying up late into the evening, which was exactly what he'd done after setting up his tent last night. The downside, however, was that he often stirred around 11 or noon, and missed most of the morning's festivities. He popped out to discover the sun already blazed high overhead. It bathed the whole beach in dazzling yellow-white, the sand glowing like small embers beneath his feet. The water reflected the light, too, shimmering and sharp against his unadjusted eyes. The circumstances were enough to disorient him, leaving him standing there like a sleepy, stranded sailor.

Luckily, though, there was someone sitting only a few feet off from his tent, her nose buried in a book. "Hey, sorry to bug you, but do you have the time?" Yawning, Vitus rubbed his eyes free of sea salt and blinked, trying to clear his vision.

Most people were reading fiction or memoirs, and she was reading like she was still in school. It's what she liked though, working made sense more than anything else did. "I did," she said proudly, "it's called Mawk Tales. The only bar you can feel safe to bring your kids too, but we do have smoothies and italian sodas if you don't want her having something called a mocktail." Finding the yellow swimsuit, she smiled warmly, "she looks like she's having a blast. Is she pretending you're not here or are you still cool?"

Wes lifted a brow in curiosity as Leyla explained the contents of the book she had been reading. It sounded kind of interesting, it definitely made sense. "You opened up the new mocktail place out this way, right?" He may not have had the chance to have checked it out yet, but he had certainly heard good things. He chuckled at the question of whether one of the tweens out on the shoreline was his. "Yeah, the one in the yellow swimsuit is mine," he laughed, "Arabella."

WHO: Leyla & @docolives WHERE: Harmony Ranch

At one of the treatment centers, Leyla had gone through some equine therapy, and she found so much progress and help in it. When she learned that Merrock had a similar sort of program largely geared toward kids, it was all she could do not to run all the way from the coast to the countryside to see if there were any opportunities for her to do something.

"Excuse me," she asked the blonde she spotted, knowing she'd seen her around before, "do you have any spots for a volunteer? Like an application or something I could fill out?"

"You're welcome," she replied with a warm smile, enjoying the glimpses she got into the joy of others. "Do you have any weird cravings? Things you're sending your boyfriend out for at all hours?"

"Exactly," she said as Alice understood the concept perfectly. "No one has to explain why they do or don't want, they can just enjoy the experience." Then she laughed and added, "and no fake IDs needed." How many kids would benefit from not dipping their toes into vices well before they should? She wasn't under the delusion it would stop that completely, but maybe it would help. "My favorite depends on my mood, the strawberry basil went I'm looking for refreshing, the lavender lemonade when it's been a long day, the Galaxy when I'm feeling fun...it's sort of like picking a favorite child. Can't seem to do it."

“You’re so sweet, thank you!” Alice gushed. She was blushing a bit. “I feel pretty good, actually. I’m happy that things have gone smoothly, and aside from the swollen ankles and being hungry all the time, I really am happy!”

She nodded. “You’re welcome, and I’m always happy to help!” Alice said with a smile. “It’s a nice concept,” she said, and sipped her drink as she listened to Leyla. “That’s a good way of thinking,” she told her. “And people choose to drink or not to drink for different reasons. So it opens up opportunities for more people to have that kind of experience. “Or if someone is under 21, and they want to have a fancy night out, right? Give them fun atmosphere and some good mocktails and they’ll feel right at home,” she hummed. She knew when she was younger she could use a place like this instead of trying to sneak into bars with her friends. Some nights they didn’t even drink, they just wanted to have fun. “Do you have a favorite item on the menu or is that a secret?” She grinned.

A laugh bubbled from her as her latest customer popped up, almost literally. It was like the sunshine coming in through the window was right in front of her. Besides, Leyla liked when people treated this the same as any bar, made her feel more like she was Sam Malone in Cheers. "You seem a girl who likes a seasonal specialty," she replied, a touch playfully, "so I would say our Pumpkin Pie Martini mocktail or my personal favorite at the moment, which is the Autumn Spice. But I'm a sucker for a cinnamon flavor, paired with the cloves and nutmeg, it's the season in a glass."

WHO: Nari & @leyla-tehrani

WHERE: Mawk Tales

WHEN: September, 2023

"Alright, hit me," Nari swung onto one of the bar stools, tucking her legs underneath herself, feet finding perch on the run as she looked up at the menu behind the bar. There were far too many good drinks to choose from, something that she had learned a long time ago, but that was why it paid to have a bartender to help you out -- at least Leyla would know what to suggest. Hopefully. Or maybe she would just flounder her way through trying whatever looked good on the menu. "What's the best option for a girl like me?"