A Little Life - Hanya Yanagihara

i’m so😭😭

a hill i will die on is that a little life by hanya yanagihara is not meaningless and is not torture porn and is in fact a very stark and realistic exploration of unprocessed trauma and the inability to talk and how trauma shapes the way you view those who love you and the fact that tiktok has turned it into the "you will cry at the end!!!!" book honestly breaks my heart

"I was dismayed by how casually cruel or dismissive we are of people who find life too much to bear. The words that we use like 'they're a coward', 'they gave up', 'they gave in', are so unforgiving of what it actually means to be alive with a mind that torments you and a body you hate."

– Hanya Yanagihara, in an interview about "A Little Life

In Een Klein Leven, the “You’re Jude St. Francis” monologue is done in a way that each character says lines from it, not just Willem. Which I think is such a beautiful way of expressing that specific monologue.

On the other hand, Ivo Van Hove did not have to go shattering my heart by having Andy say the “You’re the bravest person I know” part.

Because Andy knows the full extent of the damage done to Jude’s body, he would be the one to really know and understand how much physical pain Jude is in every day. He understands what his episodes actually entail, what is happening to his body when they occur.

And he watches him still live his life, still get up every morning to go to work and spend time with his family and friends. Of course in Andy’s eyes, who could be braver than Jude?

Thinking about JB and Jude lately…

JB, who was Jude’s first friend. JB, who carried Jude to the college hospital when he witnessed him having an episode in their dorm.

JB, who shouted and made a scene in that same hospital until a doctor finally saw Jude - and that doctor was Andy, the only physician Jude ever allowed to care for him for the rest of life.

JB, who helped Jude move into the apartment he shared with Willem on Lispenard St. JB, who brought along his friend Richard to help that day. Richard, who later sold Jude his beautiful apartment on Green Street that Jude loved so much. Richard, who secretly looked after him more than Jude ever imagined, who at one point saved his life, and at another point reminded him his birthday was worth celebrating, when Jude himself had forgotten and his world was bleak.

JB, who envied his life, his looks, his career, his relationship (even his limp!). JB, who saw him as competition, rather than someone to pity. JB, who thought he was beautiful, who thought killing something small and adorable was worth it if it meant looking like Jude.

JB, who brought him to parties, who showered him with laughter and provocations.

JB, who asked too many questions and wanted all the answers but got none of them. JB, who then asked Harold to back off from asking all the questions and wanting all the answers as well.

JB, who captured his life in galleries, on canvas, on film. The good and the bad.

JB, who’s art invaded and celebrated and decorated. JB’s, who’s art froze Willem in time for him.

JB, who was Jude’s last friend. JB, who Jude resented, who Jude hated, who Jude never forgave, who Jude wanted dead.

JB, who found him at last, who put away his suits, who handed out his letters.

JB, who outlived his friends, who was left alone, with his pictures, and his paintings, and his pain.

cried about Jude St. Francis today will probably cry about him tomorrow

[ 𝐈 ] 𝐋𝐢𝐬𝐩𝐞𝐧𝐚𝐫𝐝 𝐒𝐭𝐫𝐞𝐞𝐭

𝐓𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐞 𝐰𝐞𝐫𝐞 𝐭𝐢𝐦𝐞𝐬 𝐰𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐩𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐬𝐮𝐫𝐞 𝐭𝐨 𝐚𝐜𝐡𝐢𝐞𝐯𝐞 𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐩𝐢𝐧𝐞𝐬𝐬 𝐟𝐞𝐥𝐭 𝐚𝐥𝐦𝐨𝐬𝐭 𝐨𝐩𝐩𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐬𝐢𝐯𝐞.

[ 𝐈𝐈 ] 𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐏𝐨𝐬𝐭𝐦𝐚𝐧

𝐇𝐞 𝐰𝐚𝐬 𝐟𝐫𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭𝐞𝐧𝐞𝐝 𝐨𝐟 𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐲𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠, 𝐢𝐭 𝐬𝐨𝐦𝐞𝐭𝐢𝐦𝐞𝐬 𝐬𝐞𝐞𝐦𝐞𝐝, 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐡𝐞 𝐡𝐚𝐭𝐞𝐝 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐚𝐛𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐡𝐢𝐦𝐬𝐞𝐥𝐟.

𝐅𝐞𝐚𝐫 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐡𝐚𝐭𝐫𝐞𝐝, 𝐟𝐞𝐚𝐫 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐡𝐚𝐭𝐫𝐞𝐝: 𝐨𝐟𝐭𝐞𝐧, 𝐢𝐭 𝐬𝐞𝐞𝐦𝐞𝐝 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐬𝐞 𝐰𝐞𝐫𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐨𝐧𝐥𝐲 𝐭𝐰𝐨 𝐪𝐮𝐚𝐥𝐢𝐭𝐢𝐞𝐬 𝐡𝐞 𝐩𝐨𝐬𝐬𝐞𝐬𝐬𝐞𝐝.

𝐅𝐞𝐚𝐫 𝐨𝐟 𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐲𝐨𝐧𝐞 𝐞𝐥𝐬𝐞; 𝐡𝐚𝐭𝐫𝐞𝐝 𝐨𝐟 𝐡𝐢𝐦𝐬𝐞𝐥𝐟.

[ 𝐈𝐈𝐈 ] 𝐕𝐚𝐧𝐢𝐭𝐢𝐞𝐬

𝐀𝐫𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐩𝐲? 𝐡𝐞 𝐨𝐧𝐜𝐞 𝐚𝐬𝐤𝐞𝐝 𝐉𝐮𝐝𝐞 (𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐲 𝐦𝐮𝐬𝐭'𝐯𝐞 𝐛𝐞𝐞𝐧 𝐝𝐫𝐮𝐧𝐤).

𝐈 𝐝𝐨𝐧'𝐭 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐤 𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐩𝐢𝐧𝐞𝐬𝐬 𝐢𝐬 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐦𝐞, 𝐉𝐮𝐝𝐞 𝐡𝐚𝐝 𝐬𝐚𝐢𝐝 𝐚𝐭 𝐥𝐚𝐬𝐭, 𝐚𝐬 𝐢𝐟 𝐖𝐢𝐥𝐥𝐞𝐦 𝐡𝐚𝐝 𝐛𝐞𝐞𝐧 𝐨𝐟𝐟𝐞𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐡𝐢𝐦 𝐚 𝐝𝐢𝐬𝐡 𝐡𝐞 𝐝𝐢𝐝𝐧'𝐭 𝐰𝐚𝐧𝐭 𝐭𝐨 𝐞𝐚𝐭. 𝐁𝐮𝐭 𝐢𝐭'𝐬 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐲𝐨𝐮, 𝐖𝐢𝐥𝐥𝐞𝐦.

[ 𝐈𝐕 ] 𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐀𝐱𝐢𝐨𝐦 𝐨𝐟 𝐄𝐪𝐮𝐚𝐥𝐢𝐭𝐲

𝐱=𝐱, 𝐡𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐤𝐬. 𝐱=𝐱, 𝐱=𝐱.

[ 𝐕 ] 𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐇𝐚𝐩𝐩𝐲 𝐘𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐬

'𝐖𝐞 𝐬𝐡𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐝 𝐜𝐚𝐥𝐥 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐬𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐩𝐲 𝐲𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐬.'

[ 𝐕𝐈 ] 𝐃𝐞𝐚𝐫 𝐂𝐨𝐦𝐫𝐚𝐝𝐞

𝐖𝐚𝐬𝐧'𝐭 𝐢𝐭 𝐚 𝐦𝐢𝐫𝐚𝐜𝐥𝐞 𝐭𝐨 𝐡𝐚𝐯𝐞 𝐬𝐮𝐫𝐯𝐢𝐯𝐞𝐝 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐮𝐧𝐬𝐮𝐫𝐯𝐢𝐯𝐚𝐛𝐥𝐞?

𝐖𝐚𝐬𝐧'𝐭 𝐟𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐧𝐝𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐩 𝐢𝐭'𝐬 𝐨𝐰𝐧 𝐦𝐢𝐫𝐚𝐜𝐥𝐞, 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐟𝐢𝐧𝐝𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐨𝐟 𝐚𝐧𝐨𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫 𝐩𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐨𝐧 𝐰𝐡𝐨 𝐦𝐚𝐝𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐢𝐫𝐞 𝐥𝐨𝐧𝐞𝐥𝐲 𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐥𝐝 𝐬𝐞𝐞𝐦 𝐬𝐨𝐦𝐞𝐡𝐨𝐰 𝐥𝐞𝐬𝐬 𝐥𝐨𝐧𝐞𝐥𝐲?

[ 𝐕𝐈𝐈 ] 𝐋𝐢𝐬𝐩𝐞𝐧𝐚𝐫𝐝 𝐒𝐭𝐫𝐞𝐞𝐭

'𝐈𝐭'𝐬 𝐚 𝐠𝐨𝐨𝐝 𝐬𝐭𝐨𝐫𝐲', 𝐡𝐞 𝐬𝐚𝐢𝐝. '𝐈'𝐥𝐥 𝐭𝐞𝐥𝐥 𝐲𝐨𝐮.'

'𝐏𝐥𝐞𝐚𝐬𝐞', 𝐈 𝐬𝐚𝐢𝐝. 𝐀𝐧𝐝 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐡𝐞 𝐝𝐢𝐝.

*spends time with friends* this is just like a little life!

*cooks a meal* this is just like a little life!

*hosts a house party* this is just like a little life!

*goes to college* this is just like a little life!

*has a trauma flashback* this is just like a li

jude is so me i also have such an obviously catholic full name

yeah there’s no way