June 12 Today. I Wish Jude Knew How Loved He Really Was

jude wanted to be ordinary more than anything but was not

jb wanted to be special like jude more than anything, this made him ordinary

willem did not care about being either, and ended up very famous

malcolm didn’t care about being either, and settled for a quiet life

i was always me i was always me i was always me i was always me i was always me i was always me i was always me i was always me i was always me i was always me i was always me i was always me i was always

“ ‘Sometimes it’s because I feel so awful, or ashamed, and I need to make physical what I feel,’ he began, and glanced at me before looking down again. ‘And sometimes it’s because I feel so many things and I need to feel nothing at all- it helps clear them away. And sometimes it’s because I feel happy, and I have to remind myself that I shouldn’t.’ “

A Little Life, Hanya Yanagihara

something i just find so hilarious is how obsessed with being comfy and cosy jude and willem are. like okay grown man shuffling about in his wee blanket in the morning and jude staying for five more minutes

october 22, 2023

I just read the first chapter of the “axiom of equality” part of a little life and dude I’m really reconsidering the way I view life as a whole.

x=x, yes Jude, I feel you so fucking much, all my life I felt like I wouldn’t surpass this feeling of being wrong, the wrongdoings of my childhood, my mistakes and mistakes of others done to me haunt me every single moment of my days, maybe If I were funnier, maybe I if worked on my weight a little harder it would disappear, what did I do to deserve so much hate from others as a kid? to experience the heavy bullying? why should it stain my memory like a wine stained carpet? (you get used to it but it’s never really clean, this metaphor worked in my head so please bear with it). and Caleb, man I’ve met so many fucking Calebs in my life, people i trusted at first sight, thought it could work just to be utterly disappointed at the outcome.

“you’re not your past”, easier said than done.

it’s 3:15 a.m where I live as i’m writing this and I doubt i’ll be able to afford a good night of sleep due the mental state i find myself in. I haven’t cried once while reading this book, maybe it’s because I see so much of myself in these characters that I’m just perplexed and angry, at myself, at others who made me feel like a complete piece of shit my whole life, at the JB’s, cause we all have that one friend that, at some point, made fun of our insecurities and left us feeling like garbage.

read “a little life” by Hanya Yanagihara, i promise it’ll change you and the way you interpret life and others (and i haven’t even finished it yet)

a little life fashion takeover ohh i’m not ok

going to nyc in may for the first time ever do u guys understand how deeply annoying i’m gonna be. i’ll be posting like omg on the subway this is literally a little life :3 visiting lispenard too god ur all going to be sick of me

Everyone @ Jude and Willem when they see their Lispenard St. “Shithole” apartment