Either The World Is So Tiny Or Else We Are So Gigantic; In Any Case We Fill It Completely.

letters to milena // franz kafka

feeling like a broken parle g biscuit sitting at the bottom of cup of chai rn

I will take as much space I want, if it bothers you then you can change.

“Those feelings when you want a relationship but you don’t but you do but you don’t.”

—

letters to milena // franz kafka

“Suddenly I needed my heart in a hurry. I offered it to you, cold and dripping, incompletely thawed. You didn’t even wash its blood from your fingertips. As it numbed them, you asked me to kiss your hands.”

— Carolyn Kizer, excerpt of “What the Bones Know” in Cool, Calm and Collected

The conversation I wish we would have

His chest was slick with sweat as I shifted against his side to pull the covers up around myself and finally ask the question that had been burning inside me since we had started sleeping together again.

Afraid to possibly face the rejection in his eyes, I pressed a kiss to his cheek before tucking my face into his neck.

“Who are we to each other?”

The hand that had been lazily trailing up and down my spine faltered. I wished I hadn't asked.

We had been strangers, friends with benefits, lovers, each other’s, estranged for a while, friends again, and now- now I didn't know how to label us. Didn't know if he wanted to label us.

To label us would make things real and complicated and messy.

Another moment is stillness and his hand resumed its path on my back.

“You tell me.”

His answer was a non- answer. An avoidance. A turn around.

“You know what I would like is to be. What I want us to be again.”

I shifted again to lean against his chest so I could meet his eyes now.

“What feels like forever ago, we stood in the kitchen, and I told you I had to say the words at least once.”

His hand tightened around my waist as I ran my hand up his neck to hold his cheek.

“I have to say it again. I need to say it again.”

“Then say it.”

“I love you. I am in love with you.”

“I know.”

“Anyone who has actually been that sad can tell you that there’s nothing beautiful or literary or mysterious about depression.”

— Jasmine Warga, My Heart and Other Black Holes

Apollo: I would do anything for you

Artemis: Have 3 meals in a day and a regular sleep schedule

Apollo: Anything else?

Instead of worrying about it, I have decided to trust fearlessly in the process as it all unfolds. Worrying has no place here anymore. Just faith.