What Is It With Me And Purposely Revisiting Media That Has Triggered Me Genuinely An Insane Evolution

a little fanfic

can't sleep and I think it's bc I desperately need the tumblr world know that A Little Life by Hanya Yanagihara is: 1) camp (and brilliant camp, but that's a whole fucking dissertation); 2) fanfiction (which personally I would argue is inherently camp, so); 3) more specifically, Marauders fanfiction; & 4) even more specifically, remus/sirius aka wolfstar fanfic.

Jude is Remus, Willem is SIrius, J.B. is James, & Malcolm is Peter. I"m not talking strictly characterization or personality-wise (though there's some decent-ish overlap there), or saying that the plot of ALL has all that much to do with anything that happens to/among the Marauders in the plot of HP. But the relational dynamics, the tropes and archetypes solidifying these characters as a quartet, are so utterly parallel to mountains, fucking mountains of wolfstar fanfic. Precocious, quiet, tortured (not to mention literally scarred/self-harming) Remus/Jude; charming, effortlessly cool, hyper-protective Sirius/Willem; popular, charismatic, ringleader-ish James/JB; insecure, waffly, often-an-afterthought Peter/Malcolm. And the slow-burn love story between Jude & Willem - fucking wolfstar wolfstar wolfstar. The first, like, half-ish (idk, it's been a few months since reading?) of the book utterly teases the reader with subtextsubtextsubtext (or, in hp, canoncanoncanon) and then the rest of the novel actually *makes good* on that subext once Willem first realizes he's fallen in love with Jude (or, in hp, fanficfanficfanfic).

I have no idea if HY has ever read wolfstar and that is utterly beside my point because the author is dead and thank you for attending my brief lecture. also jesusfuckingchrist I have been holding this analysis in my little heart for so long bc no one irl even knows I know what fanfiction is lol.

u know. funeral phoebe bridgers made me insane for extremely obvious reasons but specifically “last night i passed out in my car and woke up in my childhood bed. wishing i was someone else feeling sorry for myself then i remember someones kid is dead.” bc its just. the terrible self-loathing of being affected by crises when those crises are happening to other people. im not dead. i feel terrible because someone is dead, but it isn’t me. how to epitomize the horrible in betweenness of young adulthood. stifled by the constructs of childhood but wishing desperately for the security of it. the concentricity of personal crises and coming of age. and at the end of the of it all, someone’s kid is dead. and someone’s kid will always be dead. 

Bluesky is also having fun

Spider-Punk by Matías Bergara Paint, pencil, & ink on cardboard

Me and the boys in creative mode

“I’m constantly torn between “if it’s meant to be, it will be” and “if you want it, go and get it.”

—

shout out to the biggest comfort character ever, sunil jha from loveless

“Do you have to do that here?”

Regulus looked up from his plate. They were halfway through lunch and Regulus had been trying to tweak an essay before his next class. “Do what? My homework?” He asked.

“No,” Sirius hissed and gestured at Regulus with a wave of his hand. “Do you have to wear that thing in front of all of us? We’re trying to eat, Reg.”

“Why would my jacket stop you from eating?”

“It’s not your jacket! It’s James’ jacket. His favourite jacket - and you wearing it in front of everyone is basically like having public sex. Nobody wants to watch their little brother have public sex, Regulus!”

Regulus blinked. Sixteen years had made him accustomed to his brother’s eccentricities. James, on the other hand, was looking slightly pale. “If me wearing James' jacket is like having public sex, what is giving Remus a handy in potions?”

“A good time,” Said Remus, before going back to his tea.

“How do you even know about that?” Sirius asked. His eyes shot to James’ guilty face.

James shrugged. “I like to share my trauma.”

Clicking his tongue, Sirius turned back to Regulus. “Take off the jacket.”

“Go fuck yourself.”

literally i have so many issues and problems but that’s not going to stop me from being kind to people. i’m not bringing that on others unprompted. it takes so little and can mean so much. you have to fucking be kind. we are not making it out alive without common courtesy and compassion

“Give your friendships the magic you would give a romance. Because they're just as important. Actually, for us, they're way more important.”

- Loveless, Alice Oseman (2020)