★I Tried To Shout, "I Decide", But My Voice Betrayed Me, Breaking Into A Whisper: "Enough"★

the day we stopped crying

imagine if the avengers had actually discussed the plan for more than an hour, and found out from nebula that you have to sacrifice what you love most to get the soul stone (basically a soul for a soul), and steve volunteered himself for the mission. face to face with the red skull, he’s asked if he’s willing to make the sacrifice, to lose what’s important to him. steve replies, “go ahead and try. i’ve already lost everything else.” after its done, steve just laughs and says, “that’s all?”

& steve makes it back alive with the stone. he makes it back to the avengers compound. they don’t recognize him at first, but once they see past the change in structure and size, its obvious. they ask what happened, and he replies “a soul for a soul”. he gave up captain america, let him go once and for all, and that was enough.  

all this interesting meta on disability going round lately has me thinking about Steve and Bucky and disability 

so here are some varied thoughts/questions about things I don’t really see much in fic/meta: 

Steve spent much longer as a disabled person than an enhanced person so he’d probably have a lot of habits or patterns of thinking that revolve around the disabilities he no longer has, eg: 

waking up every morning bracing for the moment of ‘okay, which of the things is bothering me today?’ and it doesn’t come

spring / big open grassy spaces (like parks) are a problem because of pollen; animals are a hazard because of allergies; fall/winter is a problem because of heating and colds and flu and slippery sidewalks; beaches are good because no pollen but bad because shirtlessness; crowds are bad because of his hearing, and so on. 

Would he still avoid all these environments without realising he’s doing it, or deliberately seek them out because now he can? 

how long after serum did it take for Steve to stop trying to wedge himself into spaces that pre-serum him could fit? 

I’ve long headcanoned that the reason Steve leans on things is because he’s subconsciously still resting a back that no longer needs to be rested. 

(Ditto for why he cocks his head; he’s channelling sound to his ‘good’ ear.) 

if you think about the aspect of disability as a form of living in a world that is not designed/adapted for you to easily navigate, then do both Steve and Bucky, despite being super, still fall into that category? 

Everything around them, that was not made for them, was made for people of a different size and strength than them. So there might be all kinds of adaptations they have to improvise to make their environment livable; like reinforcements of furniture, doors, shelves, drawers, cupboards, eating utensils, vehicles, clothing, weapons. 

(Imagine being so strong that every tube of toothpaste bursts in your hand, door knobs just come off, and every pedal in a car seems to be on a hair trigger.) 

How are you supposed to use a car when there’s a chance you might accidentally rip the steering wheel off? (HILARIOUS, yes, but seriously!) 

How many towels and pieces of clothing have Steve and Bucky torn? 

What about art? Does Steve need metal handles on his brushes and pencils? Firmer brushes or softer? Thicker paper/canvas? 

What about touchscreen technology? How do they not crack screens? 

What about the bed. How does a bog standard flimsy ikea bed survive two enhanced men using it? For purposes.  

As the friend of someone who was once also smaller, weaker, and slower than him, Bucky might have an easier time handling this ‘everything is small and flimsy’ environment than Steve (it might be like living in pre-serum’s Steve apartment.) 

if you headcanon that they both have enhanced hearing and sight, too, then would they also be sensitive to, eg. noise pollution in a way un-enhanced people aren’t? 

Do they have to have extra soundproofing? Ear plugs at night? Avoid crowds? Is the city a difficult environment for that reason? 

If they have enhanced sight, does that mean they can perceive dirt and dust more acutely than a normal person? Are they assiduous in cleaning because of this, or lax because living in dirt and dust can’t harm them the way it can a normal person? 

(Do those two things cancel out? To them it looks like they’re living in a mildly grotty environment but to non-enhanced people it looks spotless? Would them both coming from being in a neat military environment affect this too?)

What about taste/smell? Can they detect chemicals in modern foods that wouldn’t bother an unenhanced person? Do they have to alter their diet to account for that, or again, are they indifferent because those chemicals can’t harm them? 

Would Bucky have diet problems after Hydra? (What was the Soldier’s feeding regimen?)

Sound is one of the common anxiety attack triggers for vets with PTSD, so how would they navigate that + enhanced hearing? 

Speaking of mental disability, hyperarousal is another common side effect of CPTSD - so how would Bucky and/or Steve handle that when their very senses are themselves hyper? 

Flashbacks are another problem for PTSD sufferers, so what are their triggers and how do they each navigate that? 

(If Steve’s bad associations are all from WWII, does that mean old things are dicey for him? If Bucky was tortured in a reclining chair, does he have a problem with modern recliners, or environments with those kinds of chairs, like dentists and hair dressers?) 

And about Bucky’s arm: 

does he experience phantom pain? problems with proprioception? if it’s a removable prosthetic does the join cause pain/irritation?

does he learn how to do things one handed just in case? Consciously or unconsciously? 

does he buy things adapted for one-handed use? 

does he ever forget one of his hands is stronger than the other and damage things because of it? 

does he alter things to be reinforced on the left side? (Does this make them unusable for Steve?) 

How do people treat Bucky now that he has a visible disability? 

does he hide it because of how people treat him, or because it outs him as the Winter Soldier, or both? 

how does he feel about having to hide a disability for that reason? 

does he use disabled services (bathrooms, parking spots) and get shit from karens for not ‘looking’ disabled? 

how does he feel about other disabled people, now? 

given that most people don’t have super hi-tech prostheses like him, how do other disabled people feel about/treat him, especially if they’re poor/er? 

how do he and Steve feel about disability representation, now? 

The first time he feels it, he doesn’t realize it for what it is.

It’s a whisper in his ear. Sinister, cruel. It sounds like Stick. It sounds like Fisk.

Matt shakes it off and goes on his day. It’s an anomaly. It’s trauma or a side effect from that hit he took last night. It’s an isolated incident.

Until it’s not.

The Howling Commandos cast talking about their characters.

Thinking about the mask. About hands in nitril gloves forcing it onto his face, about his own panicked breathing suddenly trapped close and loud and hot and harder to get air. About the smell of his own breath, stinking of the rubber mouthguard and his own unwashed spit. About someone pushing his head forward as they jerk the straps tight. About the spot on his nose where it immediately starts to ache. About not being able to open his mouth all the way. About shaking his head to dislodge it, about raising his hand to try to touch it but his hands won't come they are restrained and it moves with him he can't, he can't get it off--

About someone patting over where his cheek would be and saying now the dog won't bite. And someone laughing.

So this is very random and more or less a 'crack treated seriously' idea but I keep thinking of it every time I listen to the Captain America movie soundtracks.

AU where the serum gives Steve the ability to hear the 'soundtrack' around him. Of course he doesn't tell anyone because it'd make him look like he's crazy but he slowly catches on to what seems to be happening.

He picks up the USO dances really fast

He legendary at knowing when something bad is going to happen because he can hear the boss music

He's unconsciously good at timing his 'heroic' moves and moments since he can hear the pace pick up

He can vibe check someone instantly

Just imagine:

Steve on a mission with the Commandos: *Hydra music starts playing*

Steve: Ah, great we got company

Commandos: ???

Steve in the car with Natasha and Sam: *Winter Soldier track starts playing*

Steve: oh no

Everyone: How do you always get so pumped up for missions?

Steve: *bopping along to the action music*

*Pierce's character gets introduced with concerning undertones in the orchestra*

Steve: I don't like you

Steve in the elevator with the STRIKE team: *ominous music growing*

Steve: sigh

Fight so dirty, but you love so sweet

professional frustrations