God Is American By Terrance Hayes

There’s a difference between parents who want you to be happy, and parents who want you to look happy.

 If your parents want you to be happy, they will be there for you when you need them, and help you with your struggles. They’ll take your pain seriously. They wont make fun of your problems when that hurts you. They’ll point out your good sides. They’ll let you know they hold you valuable and important no matter what the rest of the world says about you. They’ll make sure you know they’re on your side, here to protect and get you out of trouble, that if something happens you have backup, you have a safety to fall back on. They’ll make sure you have a place you belong to, place where you’re welcome and wanted. They’ll be a source of comfort, warmth and support.

If your parents want you to look happy, they’ll demand that you stuff down your emotions and play an act of a child who doesn’t need anything or anyone, who is just fine the way things are, no matter how bad things are for you. They’ll dictate what you’re allowed to think of them and how you’re supposed to react on anything and everything they do. They’ll demand you hide your pain, your symptoms, your anger, your fear, anything that makes them look like less than perfect parents has to go. They’ll let you know that they are important, you aren’t. Their emotions and needs and desires are important, yours aren’t. Their pain has to be paid back, yours has to be ignored and forgotten. Your life falls back on what is and isn’t convenient to them, every part of you is judged only by how much use they can have of it. And of course, they’ll tell you they did it all for your sake, because if they didn’t, who knows how awful you would turn out. 

If they say they want you to be happy, but their actions tell you that you need to look happy “or else”, they’re abusive parents, and they do not care about your happiness.

One of the features of abusive family environment is not being allowed to talk about past events. It’s unwritten law that you’re not supposed to mention that one time when your parent screamed at you, swore and called you slurs, broke something of yours, hit you, threw something at you, threw a tantrum and punished you when you did nothing wrong, failed to support you, failed to acknowledge you as a person, dismissed all that you do like it doesn’t matter. If you mention it, and acknowledge that it’s a thing that happened, and something they’ve done, you’re risking them doing it all over agian, just to “teach you better than to mention such thing”. 

It’s normal in abusive environments to always continue as if nothing happened, as if what happened was just some kind of isolated incident that is probably not going to happen again, and you’re scared to cause it again by mentioning it. I’ve seen abusive parents throw unbeliveable amount of rage, threats and violence at their children, disappear for a while, then come back with a smile like nothing at all happened, like the event before wasn’t even real for them, making you feel like you could have just imagined it all. Children would be just so relived that the rage is over, they wouldn’t dare to mention it again, they just wanted it to not repeat. The fear of abuser gets overwhelming to the point where holding them accountable isn’t even a priority anymore, you’re not even expecting an apology or guilt over what they’ve done, you just end up feeling confused and helpless and hope to god they don’t explode again. You focus on tiptoeing around them and praying not to trigger another outburst, feeling like it could be your fault if it happens again. 

These “incidents” are never isolated or accidental, abuser can bring them on whenever they want, to get more fear and control over the household, and they know it. They’re using the outbursts intentionally to keep the rest of the family on their toes, scared and ready to obey out of fear. They know they’ll get more tiptoeing and leeway and get away with anything and get special treatment as a reward for abusive behaviour. 

Other way I’ve seen abusers deal with this is to pretend as if they’re too ashamed or too guilty to talk about those things, and everyone should stop reminding them as they already feel bad enough, of course they’re going to say it angrily, so you know that calling them out is dangerous, and then of course, do the abusive behaviour over, and over again, making is extremely doubtful about just how guilty they feel. If a person experiences guilt and shame after their behaviour, it’s unlikely they will repeat it, because it would hurt them too, so if they do repeat it, it’s more likely that their “guilt” was just a lie.

I actually thought every family had such “secrets” they’re not allowed to mention and it was common to not bring up the dirty laundry on other family members, until I heard a friend chat with their mom about something messed up that happened years and years in the past. I was shocked to hear that to them it was a completely normal thing to talk about, there wasn’t a thing that was forbidden to mention! Mentioning past events wasn’t used against anyone or to hurt anyone, it was just something to learn from and analyze and discuss, and this is normal for all events, everything should be talked about.

Impalas By: Unknown photographer From: The White Lions of Timbavati 1977

In another universe expressing myself isn't accompanied by the heavy unrelenting weight of shame

(crawls on all fours with blood drenched on me) I have to do arts and crafts

We never really talked about it but The Ugly Ducking that grew up to be a beautiful swan was still probably pretty fugly from a duck’s perspective

Even if they say “they didn’t mean it”, they’re still responsible for what they did.

Even if they say “they don’t remember it”, they’re still responsible for what they did.

Even if they say “you’re delusional, I would never do that, you made it up”, they’re still responsible for what they did, and for trying to gaslight and invalidate your memories.

Even if they say “I didn’t do it, and even if I did, I would be right to do it”, they’re still guilty for what they did.

Even if they have excuses, they’re still responsible for what they did.

Even if they act like it would have been crazy to expect from them to act any different way, they’re still responsible for what they did to you.

Even if they come at you with an entire agenda of how you should perceive what they did so it actually “benefits you”, even if they insist they did it for your own good, they’re still responsible for what they did to you, and for lying about it.

Even if they cry about how much it pains them to be accused of hurting you, they’re still responsible for what they did to you.

Even if they cry about how much they love you and how they did it all out of love and never meant to hurt you, it’s still their responsibility for what they did to you.

Even if they act like what they did shouldn’t have hurt you and you’re the one responsible for taking damage, for being sensitive to being abused, it’s still their responsibility for what they did to you.

Even if they blame you for what they did to you, they’re still responsible for what they did.

Even if they insist someone else did it to them too, even if they insist they had it worse than you, even if they say it’s a cultural thing, they’re still responsible for what they did to you.

Even if it was long ago, and they act like you’re wrong for remembering such old wrong doing, it’s still something they did, and they’re still responsible for doing it.

They can lie and deny and accuse and blame and invalidate and gaslight. It doesn’t absolve them of responsibility for what they did. It doesn’t absolve them from guilt.

Nothing can absolve abusers from responsibility for their own actions. Nothing.

be soft

but be ready