"It's Like A Hole In My Life, An Eight-year Hole. That's What I Find Interesting In People's Lives, The

One of the features of abusive family environment is not being allowed to talk about past events. It’s unwritten law that you’re not supposed to mention that one time when your parent screamed at you, swore and called you slurs, broke something of yours, hit you, threw something at you, threw a tantrum and punished you when you did nothing wrong, failed to support you, failed to acknowledge you as a person, dismissed all that you do like it doesn’t matter. If you mention it, and acknowledge that it’s a thing that happened, and something they’ve done, you’re risking them doing it all over agian, just to “teach you better than to mention such thing”. 

It’s normal in abusive environments to always continue as if nothing happened, as if what happened was just some kind of isolated incident that is probably not going to happen again, and you’re scared to cause it again by mentioning it. I’ve seen abusive parents throw unbeliveable amount of rage, threats and violence at their children, disappear for a while, then come back with a smile like nothing at all happened, like the event before wasn’t even real for them, making you feel like you could have just imagined it all. Children would be just so relived that the rage is over, they wouldn’t dare to mention it again, they just wanted it to not repeat. The fear of abuser gets overwhelming to the point where holding them accountable isn’t even a priority anymore, you’re not even expecting an apology or guilt over what they’ve done, you just end up feeling confused and helpless and hope to god they don’t explode again. You focus on tiptoeing around them and praying not to trigger another outburst, feeling like it could be your fault if it happens again. 

These “incidents” are never isolated or accidental, abuser can bring them on whenever they want, to get more fear and control over the household, and they know it. They’re using the outbursts intentionally to keep the rest of the family on their toes, scared and ready to obey out of fear. They know they’ll get more tiptoeing and leeway and get away with anything and get special treatment as a reward for abusive behaviour. 

Other way I’ve seen abusers deal with this is to pretend as if they’re too ashamed or too guilty to talk about those things, and everyone should stop reminding them as they already feel bad enough, of course they’re going to say it angrily, so you know that calling them out is dangerous, and then of course, do the abusive behaviour over, and over again, making is extremely doubtful about just how guilty they feel. If a person experiences guilt and shame after their behaviour, it’s unlikely they will repeat it, because it would hurt them too, so if they do repeat it, it’s more likely that their “guilt” was just a lie.

I actually thought every family had such “secrets” they’re not allowed to mention and it was common to not bring up the dirty laundry on other family members, until I heard a friend chat with their mom about something messed up that happened years and years in the past. I was shocked to hear that to them it was a completely normal thing to talk about, there wasn’t a thing that was forbidden to mention! Mentioning past events wasn’t used against anyone or to hurt anyone, it was just something to learn from and analyze and discuss, and this is normal for all events, everything should be talked about.

me as a child, spitefully: I'm going to act self destructively as a protest! Because nobody cares and I'm going to show them what happens when I'm this abused and neglected! I'm turning on myself! I'll cause myself harm before anyone else could!

my parents, to themselves: lol that was the point, keep at it but if you bring anyone's attention to it, you'll pay for that. Do it secretly so we can't be held responsible.

I AM NOT INTERESTED IN LIVING A LIFE WHERE I COWER AWAY FROM BEAUTY OR GOODNESS BECAUSE OF THE POTENTIAL TO BE HURT. I AM BARRELING TOWARD IT. LIFE IS GOING TO CRACK ME OPEN LIKE A PIÑATA AND I AM GOING TO LET IT.

aquarium

twitter/ insta/bluesky/ store

“Resisting your abusers is not abuse. Talking back to your abusers is not abuse. Screaming and fighting back to save yourself is not abuse. Trying to escape from them is not abuse. Calling them out is not abuse. Hurting them is not abuse.”

— only if you had tremendous amount of power over them, it could be called abuse, but in that case, they would never dare to abuse you in the first place because their life would depend on you, and not the reverse. You do not have the power to trap or abuse them, and if they pretend otherwise, they’re lying. (via furiousgoldfish)

Linda Gregg

if I’m so “useless” then why do you keep using me?

if I’m so “worthless” then why do you order me around?

if I’m so “incapable” why do you care so much about decreasing my confidence?

If I’m such a “burden” then why do you care so much for keeping me dependant on you and making sure I can’t leave and be on my own?

If I’m so “stupid” then why do keep talking to me? Why not find someone else?

if I’m so “ungrateful” then why do you want me around? You shouldn’t want to give your time and energy to ungrateful people now, should you?

If I’m such a “monster” then why do you not try to get away from me? Why would you bother keeping me against your will, aren’t you scared?

If I’m such a “horrible demon” then why are you not running away from me? Why are you talking to me as if you couldn’t be less worried about what happens to you next?

If I’m such a “selfish creature” then why do you give me anything at all? It’s almost like you need to hold something against me, if I’m selfish why should I care if I’m called that?

It’s almost like your manipulative logic doesn’t hold up to tiniest bit of scrutiny. So why are you lying so much? Saying one thing and then doing as if the opposite is true doesn’t show you in good light. It turns out I’ve been plenty useful, plenty valuable, capable, bearing you as a burden even, smart enough to see thru you, grateful enough to tolerate your bullshit even though you never gave me a good reason to, harmless to you to the point where you could take your shit out on me unbothered and unafraid, selfless enough to put away my very own well being for the sake of your needs, so why do you think now, after all, I would forgive you lying to me? Don’t expect forgiveness from me.

god is american by Terrance Hayes

dont mind me im just wandering across your dash