The Tall Luke Conspiracy

Hogan's Heroes, but make it Star Wars, AKA Hogan's Rebels

The series takes place in an Imperial prison camp around the same time as the beginning of Rebels.

Robert Rob Hogan is a Jedi Knight and Order 66 survivor. His birth name is Arkouda Mathan. (1) He's an expert pilot and particularly good at Jedi mind tricks. He has a blue lightsaber that he made after the Gathering and a white lightsaber that he took from an Inquistor. It used to be red.

Newkirk grew up in the underworld of Coruscant. As a result, he became an expert thief, codebreaker, and slicer.

LeBeau is a Twi'lek. He lived on Ryloth during the Separatist occupation.

Carter is from Tatooine. He is part Tusken. (2)

Kinch and Baker are both Onderonian. (3)

Klink is an Imperial officer. He previously fought for the Republic during the Clone Wars. He is possibly another Fulcrum agent.

Schultz also fought in the Clone Wars. He secretly hates the Empire and longs for the days of the Republic.

H3LG4 and H1LG4 are droids that were secretly reprogrammed for the Rebellion.

Langenscheidt is a storm trooper on mostly friendly terms with the rebels. He has past experience as a bounty hunter.

Burkhalter is a moff.

Hochstetter is an ISB agent determined to prove Hogan is a Jedi.

Crittendon is another Coruscanti, but he's from the upper levels where the other rich people live. A Jedi wannabe, his attempts at emulating them cause more problems than they solve, a fact that annoys Hogan to no end.

Marya is a Nightsister. Another Force-sensitive, she is willing to use the dark side.

Tiger is another Twi'lek. She is part of the Free Ryloth Movement.

(1) - Arkouda is Greek for bear. Mathan is Scottish Gaelic for bear. At least according to Google Translate.

(2) - This is analogous to Carter being a member of the Sioux in the show.

(3) - I was thinking about the Onderon civil war.

P.S. - Consider this an open invitation to make content for this AU.

Subtle as a brick

Rey stepped back a little, reverently, as Jedi Master Luke took the lightsaber.

His lightsaber. It had been his father’s, then his, and now it was his again. And-

-he threw it away.

Rey just sort of stared for a moment.

Master Luke may have said something. He may not. Rey simply didn’t process a thing for at least ten seconds.

“...what was that for?” she demanded.

“Did you think I’d come out here into hiding because I didn’t have a lightsaber?” Luke asked, looking at her like she was a bit odd.

“But – I brought your lightsaber back,” Rey objected, not really sure how to handle this complete inversion of her expectations.

Luke shrugged. “It’s not mine, anyway,” he said. “It’s my father’s. I have a strong attachment to my lightsaber, which I built by myself, while brooding alone on a desert planet.”

“Like Jakku?” Rey asked.

“...I guess, yeah, like Jakku,” Luke allowed. “Weird one to bring up, though. Why Jakku?”

“I grew up there,” Rey explained. “With no idea who my parents were… all I really had were stories and the knowledge that I wanted to leave Jakku as soon as possible.”

Luke didn’t reply, favouring her with a strange look.

“I suppose I did learn some technical skills, at least,” she went on. “Then I had to help a droid get to safety with plans the First Order wanted, plans vital to the survival of the Resistance.”

Luke looked like he was going to say something, but refrained.

“You remember the Millennium Falcon?” Rey asked. “My friend and I had to flee the planet in it, just ahead of First Order fighters and starships… then one thing led to another and I had to help in destroying the most vulnerable point on a First Order superweapon. And I’m trying to deal with my connection to the Force.”

“I know the feeling,” Luke muttered, almost too quiet to hear.

Rey frowned slightly. “And… I don’t know what it is, but I have this weird feeling that I might be related to a really evil Sith somehow-”

“Okay, okay, I get it!” Luke shouted.

“...sorry?” Rey apologized, nervously.

“Not you,” Luke assured her. “I was speaking to the Force. I get it, you don’t need to be this blatant.”

He reached out his hand, catching the blue saber as it flew back up the slope, then tossed it underhand through the air to Rey.

She caught it, automatically, and Luke examined her with a critical eye.

“All right,” he said. “So, let’s see… have you got any friends in imminent trouble? Recent escape from a Resistance base?”

“Not yet, when I left, but the evacuation was going to have to be soon,” Rey answered. “I assume they’ve already done it… I hope they’ve got away safely.”

“Yeah, probably hasn’t happened,” Luke said. “They’re in trouble somehow. Could be they escaped to somewhere the First Order is already waiting, could be that they’re being chased directly… could be they’re in trouble to lure you into a trap.”

He shot her a grin, and it transformed his whole face, all his body language.

“The Force is not being subtle,” he said. “So I’m not going to be subtle back. What’s your name, anyway?”

“Rey,” Rey introduced herself.

“Well, Rey,” Luke said, lacing his hands together. “I’m going to make you into a Jedi. And then we are going to redeem the kark out of whoever your Sith ancestor is.”

Three very eventful weeks later, Sheev Palpatine existed in timeless harmony with the Force.

This was an enormous surprise to him.

“How, exactly, did that happen?” he asked the air, or the world, or the Force itself. “How in the kriff did Skywalker convince me to redeem myself by sacrificing myself to stop myself?”

“Not that I’d have an idea,” Anakin Skywalker said, fading into perception behind him. “But I’d guess it’s something he got from Padme’s side.”

“Oh, shut up,” Palpatine muttered.

He couldn’t even be properly angry any more, though it seemed that redemption did not prevent testiness.

Though meeting Obi-Wan Kenobi would probably have made that clear anyway.

The last issue of “Die sape”, a the trench newspaper written, edited and printed by the Bavarian 19th Reserve Infantry Regiment. The cover drawing is amazing. 

stand_down.mp4

"The senate had already proven themselves to be slavers.  And now, it seemed, they would add child labor to that list.  It was as if his past was repeating itself, the horrors of Bandomeer and Melidaan coming to bite him again after twenty years, returning in twisted permutations to affect not only him, but his entire family.  How could this happen?  How could this happen?"

Based on the absolutely WONDERFUL fic Sith Killer by Livsy!! I think this is the most self indulgent I've ever been for a school project haha but this scene just punched me in the gut in a way I just can't describe so *gestures wildly*

*gently holds* (trollstuck designs by @dawsonschristian)

Empress

This AU really starts when Anakin finds his mother in the Tusken camp, but only truly works if there is a little set up before.  It is imperative, for reasons that will become clear, to note that in this Palpatine has been manipulating Anakin with the Force, as opposed to only psychologically, since he was a child.  Palpatine has been seeding the darkside, hidden deep so that it was never discovered (even by Anakin), waiting to sprout and spread the darkside like an infection at the appropriate moments. 

When Anakin finds his mother as she dies, he loses it, but not to violence. Instead he panics and shoves every bit of Force that he can into his mother’s body to try and bring her back and heal her. Every bit of the Force, including the darkside seeds that Palpatine had been planting.  Because healing is primarily a light sided technique, thus somewhat purifying, Shmi does not get the full force of the darkside infection that would have hit her son (so we avoid Vader!Shmi or even Full Sidious!Shmi) however there were a number of long lasting effects to the way Anakin panicked and brought her back (incidentally Anakin has now created two new deities for the Tuskans, which Shmi does note and will make use of later).  These include:

A Force bond between her and Anakin that gave her Anakin's memories and feelings for the past decade. 

A working knowledge of what Palpatine knew (From Palpatine’s Dark Seeds), though no firsthand memories. 

Force Sensitivity that is powerful enough to use the various techniques she just gained the knowledge to use.

A significant hit to the moral centers of her psyche.

A Soul Deep and engrossing ambition to rule the Galaxy.

Now Shmi is not evil in the way that Palpatine is (Palpatine is the kind of evil that not only does whatever he wants to accomplish his goal, but actively goes out of his way to create as much collateral as possible and will in fact even mildly inconvenience himself in order to increase collateral damage) but she does now fall closer to Amoral than not. Like her first option is not to kill kids, but it is never not an option. Shmi does justify her new desire to rule the galaxy, based on the fact that she would be better at it than Palpatine. 

By the time Anakin and Shmi have made it back to the Lars homestead, she has her son wrapped around her finger even more than she would have. She had also, through the careful recounting of how one of the men who had seemed so kindly to the slave children had actually been a child murder (couching it it in terms that one of Anakin's childhood friends, who it turned out had been a victim of this man, grave had been found and the man brought to a rather brutal justice), partially broken Anakin’s trust in Palpatine without ever letting on that she knew who Palpatine was.  

After they get back to the Homestead, Shmi tells Anakin that she wants him to visit again and to bring Obi Wan (It was after they had talked about what had been happening since he left). Anakin loves Obi Wan as a brother, and as such Shmi loves him too. Padme has also fallen quickly under Shmi’s influence, which is good considering that Shmi intended to make Padme another daughter in law (Both because Anakin had a crush, and she wanted Anakin to have what he wanted, and because Senator and former Queen of Naboo is actually a decently powerful set of titles).  Shmi gently shoos her sweet, oblivious son off the planet with her future daughter in law (it is for the best that her Jedi Son be off the planet for what she is about to do next) making them promise to visit soon. 

Cliegg and Beru also fall quickly under Shmi’s spell. Owen holds out a bit longer (I am fully convinced that his ability to hold back Skywalker BS comes from growing up with Shmi, not his few interactions with Anakin) but is just as willing to follow Shmi’s lead within a tenday.

While a galaxy wide war is breaking out, Shmi quietly but very firmly takes control of Tatooine. Then, in spite of the fact she had not left the planet in decades, she quickly takes control of the rest of the Hutt Empire.  Her identity remains hidden; she does not want to fight her son or his Jedi family because they do not yet understand her vision for the galaxy. They will, of that she is sure, but it will take time.

One of the many things she does is abolish slavery within her new Empire.  It is both easier and harder than it would appear. Easier in that she does not care about the power or money of the people who made their living in trafficking of sentient life, so she does not care about the economics of the systems she dismantles. Harder because the Hutt Empire was built on slavery; there are significantly larger portions of every population of the Hutt Planets then anyone realized who had spent most of their lives enslaved, with no training or education and very little idea how to exist without being enslaved (with all the psychological and sociological implications therein).  But she does it, quietly absorbing the fledgling Zygerrian Empire as well. 

A year and a half into the Clone wars Shmi is finally ready to make her move. 

In that time she has become well connected with Padme, who asks for approval to marry Anakin six months into the war (Approval that Shmi grants, on the condition that Padme also get approval from Obi wan, as Anakin’s older brother/father. Padme asks, and to the surprise of both Padme and Anakin immediately gets Obi Wan’s baffled, but pleased, approval. In this one marriage is not forbidden to Jedi, it really isn’t even discouraged. No one seems to want to marry a Jedi, as far as the Jedi are concerned. Date a Jedi, well that seems to be common fantasy. Sleep with a Jedi, all the time. But never marry. This all serves Shimi’s true purpose, to continue to break the trust between her son and Palpatine). They do decide to wait until after the war, when they can have everyone attend; in part because Palpatine is pushing them both in a really creepy way. 

She makes her move by going on vacation with Cliegg to a world she knew, from her own spies, was about to be attacked by separatists. A world that it was highly likely the 212th would be deployed to. In the time it takes for the 212th to liberate the planet, it is a relatively minor battle so only takes a few weeks, Shmi and Clieg have connected with the battalion and convinced them to transport them (Shmi and Cliegg) to Coruscant.  If asked, even Obi Wan, Cody, or the Natborn officers are not sure how they came to agree to take two civilians to the Core but everyone Shmi meets becomes absolutely convinced that it was a reasonable decision. During this trip Shmi bonds with Obi Wan, as her son’s brother/father/teacher.  This was one of her goals, to get a clearer picture of who Obi Wan is, and through him the Jedi Order; Anakin’s memories and feelings are a bit mixed on the Jedi as a whole but she also knows, from Palpatine’s knowledge, that Palpatine had been manipulating those feelings for years.  She finds that she does like Obi Wan. Because of this Shmi intends, beyond even what her plan calls for,  that she would ensure that Obi Wan found happiness in her Empire. 

Upon arriving on Coruscant Shmi sends Cliegg (in disguise) to meet with various criminal underworld leaders who know of her fledgeling Empire, while she meets with members of the Jedi council to plant the seeds of her Galactic Empire. 

It is in this that we truly see the difference between Shmi and Sidious. Shmi wants to Rule the galaxy. Sidious wants to Subjugate the galaxy. Now granted the difference between the two is not as much as people who want the former would protest, but is greater than what the people who want the latter would claim. In this case ruling is a small group having a disproportionate amount of power over a larger group. Subjugation is a group or person asserting total control over another group or person. While a ruler can abuse the power they have, in order to subjugate someone, a being MUST abuse them to break them in such a way the subjugator can control them.  

In spite of her forced amorality Shmi is actually a good person and wants to be a good Empress for the galaxy. So for her, subjugation is more work (realistically 90% of the galaxy is not going to notice if they are in a republic or an empire, and not just because the Empire had been disguising itself as a republic for a decade. That same 90% have comparatively simple needs and are going to be fine with a ruler who provides them. Whereas requires constant control measures to apply the exact correct amount of pressure to bend the populace to your will, without breaking them into rebelling. Ruling well is actually less costly) for less benefit. Because of that having the super powered warrior monks, who most of the beings that would oppose an Empress on principle are going to look to as a paragon of wisdom,  buy into the idea that Shmi should be Empress and that they would be happier in her Empire makes more sense than eradicating them.  Also, complicated feelings aside, the Jedi make up part of Anakin’s family and she does not want to hurt Anakin’s family.

Shmi also, at the behest of Anakin, took time to go with him to meet his friend Palpatine.  While in the waiting room she speaks with Fox, on guard duty, who she recognizes from her talks with Cody as the person to place a bet with(No one suspects the stern commander of the Coruscant Guard to be the biggest bookie in three systems). After about an hour of chit chat (During which Palpatine has no idea he has met someone with all of his knowledge, who is planning to abscond with the Grand Sith Plan) Anakin and Shmi leave the Senate. Anakin semi anxiously asks her what she thinks of Palpatine, babbling a little bit that Obi Wan doesn't like him, but Obi Wan hates most politicians. Shmi, after letting a long pause stretch, says that Obi Wan has good instincts (Look I really want Palpatine to be faced with his own manipulation tactics) and casually mentions Obi Wan’s time enslaved and how that must have hond those instincts- which he had not told Shmi about but that she could guess.  Again without directly accusing Palpatine of anything, Shmi manages to get across to Anakin that as the Chancellor, Palpatine actually currently has all the power and has used it to effectively enslave the clones and the Jedi. Fully breaking Anakin’s trust in Palpatine and tying him closer to the Jedi (where Shmi wants him).   During this exchange Anakin asks what she had been talking to Fox about and she answers with ‘placing a bet’. Anakin lights up and guesses it is the ‘CodyWan Bet’, because literally everybody noticed their pining and that neither will admit it (Shmi uses that to drive the point home that both are effectively enslaved and do not feel free to be together if they might be ‘sold’ apart-a concept that Anakin is very familiar with).

I am not sure where it ends, except that Shmi does indeed become Empress and her Force powers work as such that she gains power through being loved, so in being a good ruler she stops aging. The Jedi do buy in and Palpatine does end up dead. Someone in Shmi’s smaller Empire, before she becomes Empress, discovers the chips and their purpose, which leads to the entirety of the Clones transplanting themselves (GAR, Cadets, everyone) to a planet in the former Hutt space (deeply freaked out over what they could have been made to do to their Jedi) and refusing all calls for like a year, while they dechip. The Jedi (all of them) transplanted themselves to the next planet over, waiting semi impatiently to be allowed to visit their men again.  Shmi meeting Ahsoka after she becomes Anakin’s Padawan and deciding that, as her oldest grandchild, Ahsoka would have the option to be her heir if she would like (Ahsoka really wants to be a Jedi, but agrees to hold the status until another heir comes along-she gratefully passed the heir status to Leia when Leia was born, as she could not be knighted while still the Empress’s Heir). 

Oh and Obi Wan does get to be happy with Cody in the new Empire, with frequent visits from Satine (I like the idea that they were childhood sweethearts/first loves that knew they would not fit well romantically but still loved each other and got to be overprotective of each other-Satine adores Cody, thinks he is perfect for Obi Wan and thy find time every so often to take an evening to drink over whatever ridiculous situation Obi Wan go himself into this time)

i know its the mets, but this is the coolest shit i’ve ever seen a human being do

The Skywalker chin dimple got my crying rn

One of the first books I read in English as a kid, maybe 1 year after I started learning English, was a booklet with a title like, How to Have a Great Time at Summer Camp. I don’t remember the exact title and I know I only picked it up because the other books in English in my school’s library looked way beyond my level, stuff like Austen and Dickens. The summer camp booklet didn’t look too interesting but it was small with simple sentences. I ended up being fascinated with it because it was the most American thing I had ever got my hands on and it felt impossibly exotic

all the kids had cool American names like Jill and Mike. One of them at one point talked about the “chipmunks” in the woods near the camp, a mysterious word that didn’t exist in my tiny English dictionary, and for some reason I pictured them as scrawny wolves. I had read Little House on the Prairie so I knew wolves were a major concern for Americans

camp “counsellors” were often mentioned, and my pocket English dictionary only defined that word as “psychologue”. I thought it was weird how American summer camps had dozens of psychologists roaming the premises, one for every 5 to 10 kids. That felt like a lot of psychologists

I had no idea that the word “pet” could mean “favourite”. When the booklet said one kid might become “the camp counsellor’s pet”, my dictionary helpfully led me to believe it meant that a psychologist would pick one unfortunate kid to be his domestic animal for the summer. Slightly disturbing. I moved on

the kids slept in “bunks” and my stupid dictionary only defined this word as “couche”. Which is not wrong, but we would probably say couchette instead, or better yet lits superposés, and couche is also our word for diaper so you can see why I continued being deeply intrigued by every new detail I learnt in this booklet. American kids are excited about camp because they get to sleep in diapers

I had never encountered the word “baseball” before but managed to guess it was some kind of sport, but when the booklet mentioned the “baseball diamond” (in the context of a kid saying the baseball diamond was big) I of course assumed it was an actual diamond that you could win if you won a game of baseball at camp. For some reason I had a debate with a classmate over the plausibility of this. I say for some reason because I didn’t really question the diapers or the wolves or the psychologists with their human pets. A diamond though? Doubt. I just remember that we were queueing up for lunch and I was like “What do you think?” and my friend said hesitantly, “Maybe if it’s a small diamond?” and I insisted “No! The book says it’s big!”

among the basic items the book said every kid should bring to camp were “batteries”. I didn’t bother looking up that word in my dictionary seeing as it’s the same in French. I didn’t know it was a false friend, and I was impressed to learn that most American kids own a drum set and bring it to camp as an essential item

on the same page, in the list of things every kid should put in their suitcase for summer camp, another item was “comic books”. I wasn’t sure what those were since in French we call them BD, but basing myself on the word “comic” I assumed they were books of jokes and puns. I loved learning that in the US all kids bring humour anthologies to summer camp, presumably because they worry about running out of funny things to say. I thought American kids sounded nervous and sweet. But also really cool, because of all the drums