Hot Artists Don't Gatekeep

I think the prequels should’ve made Owen Lars Anakin’s full brother. I think we should’ve had gruff 19/20 year old completely Force-null Owen in TPM and make the audience assume for a moment that that’s young Darth Vader, but nope, it’s the tiny blond Yippee boy who’s playing with droids.

I want to play with old Ben’s line about Uncle Owen in ANH “He thought (Anakin) should’ve stayed here, not gotten involved (in the clone wars)” as Owen urging Anakin to quit the Order in AOTC because a war is brewing in the Republic, telling him their mother sent Anakin away to be safe, and would never approve of him becoming a soldier.

Then Uncle Owen in OWK with that same dismissive attitude towards Obi-Wan but this time it’s not just protectiveness of Luke but also because he blames the Jedi for corrupting his little brother

One of the first books I read in English as a kid, maybe 1 year after I started learning English, was a booklet with a title like, How to Have a Great Time at Summer Camp. I don’t remember the exact title and I know I only picked it up because the other books in English in my school’s library looked way beyond my level, stuff like Austen and Dickens. The summer camp booklet didn’t look too interesting but it was small with simple sentences. I ended up being fascinated with it because it was the most American thing I had ever got my hands on and it felt impossibly exotic

all the kids had cool American names like Jill and Mike. One of them at one point talked about the “chipmunks” in the woods near the camp, a mysterious word that didn’t exist in my tiny English dictionary, and for some reason I pictured them as scrawny wolves. I had read Little House on the Prairie so I knew wolves were a major concern for Americans

camp “counsellors” were often mentioned, and my pocket English dictionary only defined that word as “psychologue”. I thought it was weird how American summer camps had dozens of psychologists roaming the premises, one for every 5 to 10 kids. That felt like a lot of psychologists

I had no idea that the word “pet” could mean “favourite”. When the booklet said one kid might become “the camp counsellor’s pet”, my dictionary helpfully led me to believe it meant that a psychologist would pick one unfortunate kid to be his domestic animal for the summer. Slightly disturbing. I moved on

the kids slept in “bunks” and my stupid dictionary only defined this word as “couche”. Which is not wrong, but we would probably say couchette instead, or better yet lits superposés, and couche is also our word for diaper so you can see why I continued being deeply intrigued by every new detail I learnt in this booklet. American kids are excited about camp because they get to sleep in diapers

I had never encountered the word “baseball” before but managed to guess it was some kind of sport, but when the booklet mentioned the “baseball diamond” (in the context of a kid saying the baseball diamond was big) I of course assumed it was an actual diamond that you could win if you won a game of baseball at camp. For some reason I had a debate with a classmate over the plausibility of this. I say for some reason because I didn’t really question the diapers or the wolves or the psychologists with their human pets. A diamond though? Doubt. I just remember that we were queueing up for lunch and I was like “What do you think?” and my friend said hesitantly, “Maybe if it’s a small diamond?” and I insisted “No! The book says it’s big!”

among the basic items the book said every kid should bring to camp were “batteries”. I didn’t bother looking up that word in my dictionary seeing as it’s the same in French. I didn’t know it was a false friend, and I was impressed to learn that most American kids own a drum set and bring it to camp as an essential item

on the same page, in the list of things every kid should put in their suitcase for summer camp, another item was “comic books”. I wasn’t sure what those were since in French we call them BD, but basing myself on the word “comic” I assumed they were books of jokes and puns. I loved learning that in the US all kids bring humour anthologies to summer camp, presumably because they worry about running out of funny things to say. I thought American kids sounded nervous and sweet. But also really cool, because of all the drums

This is so stupid and I kind of want to add more to it but. Blehh. So here it is like this for now… anakin gleefully recounts his master’s childhood trauma to ahsoka because he thinks its funny

Owen Lars died a few days before the end of Revenge of the Sith

so when a bedraggled, light-haired and light-skinned man showed up on her doorstep carrying a child, Beru Whitesun saw a solution to all her problems: identity fraud to get out of paying death taxes to the Hutts and ensure she had enough help running the farm

she even got a free baby out of the deal, and was able to convince her totally-not-new 'husband' that this would keep him safe from the new Empire as well!

this does, of course, add an additional layer of awkwardness to the arrival of Artoo and Threepio at the start of A New Hope

--

Luke: hey Uncle Owen, these droids we bought say that they belong someone named Obi-Wan Kenobi who they claim lives near here, do you know who that could be?

'Owen,' sweating: he, uh, died

Luke: oh, did you know him then?

'Owen,' sweating harder: how about we just wipe these droids' memories in the morning and forget this whole conversation, how does that sound son??

(an attempt of) luke in the clone wars (2003) style

So here's a Star Wars Crack Treated Seriously idea for you.

Obi-Wan Kenobi finds himself back in the past somewhere during the Clone Wars.

And obviously he needs to make sure that Anakin doesn't Fall and go on his Grand Slaughter Adventure.

But Anakin is the most bantha-headed, stubborn, CONTRARY disaster in the galaxy. Obi-Wan just KNOWS that if he tries going at it straight on Anakin might Fall just out of sheer spite.

No. No. This requires some finesse.

Long story short, he gets his hands on some yellow contact lenses and begins playing the most intricate game of reverse psychology guerilla warfare in the history of the Republic.

(and would you look at that, "Sith" are allowed to make assassination attempts on Supreme Chancellors. How... convenient)

I will continue to call The Creature “Frankenstein” and no force in Heaven or Earth will impede that.

Hogan's Heroes, but make it Star Wars, AKA Hogan's Rebels

The series takes place in an Imperial prison camp around the same time as the beginning of Rebels.

Robert Rob Hogan is a Jedi Knight and Order 66 survivor. His birth name is Arkouda Mathan. (1) He's an expert pilot and particularly good at Jedi mind tricks. He has a blue lightsaber that he made after the Gathering and a white lightsaber that he took from an Inquistor. It used to be red.

Newkirk grew up in the underworld of Coruscant. As a result, he became an expert thief, codebreaker, and slicer.

LeBeau is a Twi'lek. He lived on Ryloth during the Separatist occupation.

Carter is from Tatooine. He is part Tusken. (2)

Kinch and Baker are both Onderonian. (3)

Klink is an Imperial officer. He previously fought for the Republic during the Clone Wars. He is possibly another Fulcrum agent.

Schultz also fought in the Clone Wars. He secretly hates the Empire and longs for the days of the Republic.

H3LG4 and H1LG4 are droids that were secretly reprogrammed for the Rebellion.

Langenscheidt is a storm trooper on mostly friendly terms with the rebels. He has past experience as a bounty hunter.

Burkhalter is a moff.

Hochstetter is an ISB agent determined to prove Hogan is a Jedi.

Crittendon is another Coruscanti, but he's from the upper levels where the other rich people live. A Jedi wannabe, his attempts at emulating them cause more problems than they solve, a fact that annoys Hogan to no end.

Marya is a Nightsister. Another Force-sensitive, she is willing to use the dark side.

Tiger is another Twi'lek. She is part of the Free Ryloth Movement.

(1) - Arkouda is Greek for bear. Mathan is Scottish Gaelic for bear. At least according to Google Translate.

(2) - This is analogous to Carter being a member of the Sioux in the show.

(3) - I was thinking about the Onderon civil war.

P.S. - Consider this an open invitation to make content for this AU.

"You're telling me you haven't tried to mass hypnotize your audience even Once?!"

"The senate had already proven themselves to be slavers.  And now, it seemed, they would add child labor to that list.  It was as if his past was repeating itself, the horrors of Bandomeer and Melidaan coming to bite him again after twenty years, returning in twisted permutations to affect not only him, but his entire family.  How could this happen?  How could this happen?"

Based on the absolutely WONDERFUL fic Sith Killer by Livsy!! I think this is the most self indulgent I've ever been for a school project haha but this scene just punched me in the gut in a way I just can't describe so *gestures wildly*