This Is Just Plain Good Relationship Advice Regardless Of Certain Words/lables.

Initiating Play as a Submissive

It’s not very common for me to initiate sex or play. That’s mostly because we have plenty of both as it is. My needs are met before I even think to go after them myself. 

But also, I’m not sure I’m any good at initiating. I’m good at subtle teasing and playfulness when I’m feeling needy. I’m good at having conversations where I state my needs clearly and directly (e.g., “I am beginning to feel like I will need a spanking soon”). But I’m not great at overtly initiating in a sexy way. With my ex-husband, I sometimes initiated sex by saying, “So how about you and me have some sex later?” That line had a 100% success rate, for the record. But yeah… I don’t have a lot of game. 

The other issue is that initiating play feels somehow wrong as a submissive. In my head, I know it’s not. In my head, I know that initiating is a suggestion, not a decision. But the bolder the come-on, the more uncomfortable it feels. Like I’m wearing someone else’s clothes. 

Still, sometimes I do try to initiate. I know he likes to see my hunger for him. He likes to see where my head is at and what I want. So the other day I put on lingerie and heels, then laid floggers and canes neatly on the bed. They were mostly—though not exclusively—my favorite implements. I’d never been so bold, and it made me nervous. Was it going too far? Would I earn a punishment for pushing a little too hard? I didn’t think so, but then again, this was uncharted territory. I was barely ready by the time he got home. 

We had a wonderful impact session, with deep, thuddy pain and enough tears to feed my sadist. But first, he started with something he knows I dislike. He started with hitting my pussy. It almost felt like punishment to me, but in a playful way. It felt as if he were saying, Okay, girl. You want impact? I’ll give you impact… It felt like a reminder that I should be careful not to forget my place. But when we talked after, he said that wasn’t it.

“I was saying, Okay, you had a good idea. Now you can let go. I will take it from here. Because I didn’t want you to be in your head about whether I really wanted it or if I was doing it for you.”

And truthfully, that is fair. A cornerstone of our relationship is that I am absolutely not in charge. I am considered a trusted advisor; he wants to know my thoughts and feelings and opinions. But the choices are his. And that’s exactly how I want it. Our power exchange is sacred to me, and I never want to do anything that could undermine it. 

I think this is why it’s so hard for me to initiate. Initiating is a bold declaration of my own wants. And in some respects, I need for my wants to come last. I prefer to express my wants indirectly—through porn I share with him or flirty “I was thinking about that time when…” comments. Laying it all out there (literally) feels like putting my wants first. It feels like stepping out of my place.

But when he started hitting my pussy, as much as I hated it, those concerns washed away. That action calmed my brain. It reassured me that his wants come before mine. And with that, I was able to let go and stay in the moment, rather than overthinking my own actions.

I’m learning to trust that the power exchange we’ve built is strong, and a few implements suggestively laid on the bed won’t be enough to derail it. I’ve been with some insecure Dominants in the past who never would have allowed it. But Monsieur has shown me time and time again that I can rely on his firm control. He makes decisions carefully and with purpose. Sometimes he says no, and sometimes he says yes. Either way, making the suggestion isn’t the same as taking charge. If he chooses to do something for me, it’s because that’s what he wants to do. It’s that simple. 

The more we talk about it, the more confident I grow in trying to initiate play. Now I’m even wondering if it’s time to step up my game. Maybe next time, I drop a crop in his lap and give him some raised eyebrows and a wink wink. That’s how you flirt, right?

Note to you “doms”.... Understand the value to your better half when you take responsibilities in the relationship. “No” is not just “No”. It goes further and has greater value to her. Understand your responsibility to the relationship. She will love you all the more for it.

when he says no

I love begging him to extend my bedtime. I love when he says no. 

I love asking if I can buy a sugary latte. I love when he says no.

I love asking if I can skip my workout because laziness. I love when he says no.

I love begging to watch an extra hour of TV on a weeknight. I love when he says no.

I love asking if I can buy that pretty top I saw when I went to return something, even though my credit card bill is ridiculous. I love when he says no.

I don’t ask because I want to be denied. Not really. I ask because I want something I’ve always immediately granted myself. I ask because I have desires and impulses and I need to express them. And even though there’s the teeniest bit of disappointment when he says no, there is also relief and inner peace. I feel taken care of. I feel like I’m becoming a better person with improved habits. I feel healthier, happier and less stressed. No more guilt. It’s gone.

It makes his yeses so rewarding. The latte tastes sweeter. The next episode of that TV show is funnier. The top is prettier and feels worth the money.  With his permission, I can have guilt-free indulgences. I can find joy in things I’d often shamed myself for, the things you’re supposed to enjoy. That was no way to live.

 I said it before it was my reality, and I’ll say it again:

Everything just feels better when you have permission.

Making out is essential every day. Make it part of your love language so it is an expression of compassion and passion that doesn't always need to lead to sex. Do I get a "AMEN" from the congregation?

Things that happened after I became a stay at home wife

1. I rediscovered my beauty. Suddenly I had time to take care of myself. No longer I had eye bags, I could exercise, do my nails, put on face masks. All of this may seem trivial but I was so tired and unhappy with my job and the travel time. I was this beaten up shell of myself just going through life without any care of what may happen to me. I have now time to love me and make me feel beautiful, I act beautiful.

2. My relationship with my husband is stronger now. Nothing says “I trust you” more than just let him take care of me and be my provider and now he is so much more protective and loving. He has always being those things and yet he managed to give more. I learned that when a man feels your trust and how you believe in him, he can not help but cherish you and treasure you, and I can never get tired of that.

3. He is doing so much better at his job and in his life. He gets home now only to rest, no more shared house chores. I remember him every day how great he is and that confidence goes with him everywhere, he had never been this strong and self assured and I cannot help it, I love him more for it. He loves my cooking and he gets it every day, if he’s tired I no longer drop dead next to him in bed, I make him some tea, I give him a massage. We have time to have sex, I want now to have sex (remember, I feel beautiful).

4. I have time to pursue my hobbies. I started this blog, I write poetry, I exercise, I cook new recipes, I’m learning how to sew. I started college again too, even though I’m taking it easy. Since there’s no need for me to work, I study just because it brings me joy, and there’s no need  to rush. I’ll get my degree but my priority is just to be happy. (He has to repeat this in exam season every time though, sadly stress can get a little hard to manage).

I know the most important part of my life, and the reason that we both are so happy is because we deeply love each other, not that I’m homemaker. We would be happy even if something bad happened and I had to go out to work again. There are also woman who find their job meaningful and I will not tell any of them to give it up.

However, if there’s a woman out there who can be at home, who wants to be at home but still is not sure about, talk about it with their partner, most man also want this. Life’s too short to not be happy.

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Learning the ropes

How to Tie Flogging Cuffs - KnottyBoys 

A life lesson that all parents need to teach their children, especially their sons.