I Think About This Kind Of Thing A Lot. Put On Something Nice. I'm Taking You Out Tonight. I Promise

Reflections of a Sigma Man

Recently, someone told me that if 10 people saw a situation, there would be 9 similar opinions and then mine. Mine would be unique, insightful and possibly easier, faster, less expensive and likely more appealing. I know this was intended to be a compliment. Sometimes comments like these make me sad on the inside.

The comment is likely to be mostly true both professionally and personally but it is this personality trait that has made me feel like an outsider most of my life, making me wish others thought like I do, see things the way I do sooner, communicate with a solution in mind. I think I need someone in my life that is so far away from the way I process that I wouldn't be frustrated that they are not aligned in my thinking because finding a similar person to me has been an exercise in futility.

Anal it is then 😂

The benefits of edging. It sneaks up on you and makes you be what you fantasize being.

It will start with you wanting to look pretty.

It will develop into pleasing your man.

It will grow into the desire to be owned and collared.

You want to be completely controlled.

You want to be micro-managed.

You want each and every decision to be removed. 

Good Girls love doing their hair and makeup everyday.

It’s about being pretty. Wearing makeup is about crafting your look and maximizing your best features, while minimizing flaws. As a woman, you’re going to be chiefly evaluated for your appearance, so make it the best it can be.

Good Girls always strive to look their best.

It’s an art. Your face is a canvas that goes everywhere you do. Display your ever-improving skill at creating impressions and capturing attention.

Good Girls love to be pretty, be sexy, and be noticed.  

It improves your confidence. It returns your focus to maximizing your appearance, and leaves you feeling more confident and put-together. That will carry over to your behavior as well.

Good Girls love doing their hair and makeup everyday

It shapes your mindset. Not feeling sexy? Do your makeup!  It’s well known that when a routine is done regularly in a given mindset, simply doing that routine can begin to cause that mindset.

Good Girls always strive to look their best.

It shows you care.  When you’ve done your makeup, anyone seeing you knows that it‘s important to you to look your best.

Good Girls love to be pretty, be sexy, and be noticed.

THE HYPNOFETISH TRUST PYRAMID

A BRIEF GUIDE TO A HEALTHY, KINKY HYPNOTIC RELATIONSHIP by FallingInward

For those of you new to the hypnosis kink scene, you may be eager to play and wonder “why should I care about all of this?” In short, it will not only make you a better hypnotist (or subject), but will allow you to establish a relationship in which your suggestions have more bang-for-your-buck. This guide is aimed more at hypnotists/dominants and assumes that you probably want to mix in some dominant / submissive play in with your hypnosis. Here I will outline a framework for a healthy relationship and why that is beneficial to exploring your kink. There are many concepts borrowed from the bdsm community that apply equally to a relationship between hypnotist and subject in a non-d/s context. You will notice that I talk a lot about aftercare – that’s because aftercare is one of the most important aspects of play, yet easily overlooked if you aren’t experienced yet.

TRUST = RELAXATION = HYPNOTIC POTENCY

Have you ever heard the saying “You catch more flies with honey than you do with vinegar”? It’s true, especially when it comes to hypnotism. Perhaps the single most important aspect of hypnotic suggestion is rapport, which is the degree of connection and trust between subject and hypnotist.

Many inductions involve relaxation because relaxation is one of several ways to bypass the “critical factor” (or “critical filter” as some call it), the mental processes people use to evaluate incoming information. Relaxation is just one a way of coaxing a subject to be less guarded with their thoughts, which works best if the subject already feels comfortable. Relaxation is not the only way, and if you are looking for a magic bullet to make your suggestions have that extra OOMF! then I’ll tell you what it is: TRUST. Trust is a surefire way to loosen up that critical factor and let your suggestions slip right in. But wait, there’s more! Trust also helps with relaxation, so you get a multiplier effect. After all, humans are social creatures. We keep our guard up to varying degrees when we interact with people, but this guard requires some amount of mental effort to maintain. We don’t think about it much, but if you’ve ever gone through a long job interview, or a party with people who you desperately needed to think well of you (in-laws, potential employers, etc.) then you know that watching every word you say and paying close attention to others is eventually draining.

It follows that removing the need to be guarded would allow the subject to become more relaxed naturally. The deeper the trust, the easier it becomes for a subject to go with the flow and to accept suggestions without critically evaluating them.

BENEVOLENT CONTROL

Are you someone who wants to use hypnosis in a dominant/submissive relationship with someone? Perhaps you have fantasies of an obedient servant, brainwashed pet, or mindless puppet? Maybe you would like to be one of those things?

Your best bet is to establish a safe, healthy relationship. I’ve seen the alternative in a few different communities now as both a community member and a moderator. Time and again I’ve seen predators seek out these fantasies by forcing themselves on unsuspecting victims or abusing trust, only to lose control and have those fantasies crumble when the submissive runs away.

It is self-defeating to exhibit short-term selfishness in a context where you could get more by being mutualistic or caring. If you want to control someone, especially hypnotically, one of the best way is with trust. And the best way to build trust is – I know this is shocking – be trustworthy. Trust me, this is one of the rare situations in life where you can have your cake and eat it, too. It takes a little more time, but the payoff is way more satisfying. A trusting, healthy relationship is more likely to last longer, which means that you will have more time to assert your control and reinforce your suggestions. Bam! Potency. Perhaps you are a sadist and you really want to cause pain or discomfort. Guess what? This applies double to you. A submissive in a healthy, trusting relationship is going to be able to endure a lot more torment without ditching you, and some of the most masochistic people out there are just waiting to find someone they can trust to push them slowly but surely past their current limits, the right way. All it takes is genuinely caring about your partner; if you do things right, you can break them over, and over, and over again.

Regardless of the type of play you enjoy, you are a lot more likely to achieve those deep levels of control if your partner is comfortable within that control.

THE PYRAMID

I’ve broken down some common elements that can be used to establish a safe, trusting relationship. This is by no means a definitive guide, and I have seen many variations. The key is making sure that you and your partner understand and consent to the nature of your relationship.

Level 1: Humanity

Even if you are someone who is really into objectifying, humiliating, or degrading your partner in a scene, outside of the scene the best way to establish trust is to rigidly uphold their basic humanity. This means:

Communication - Talk about what you are going to do and how you are going to do it.

Consent - Make sure your partner consents with what you are going to do.

Consensual Non-consent (con non-con) means agreeing in advance to a conditions when someone is permitted to ignore the usual rules of consent, perhaps including commands to stop. In these cases, it is common to establish safe words, or signals for when play has gone too far (for instance say ‘yellow’ to slow down and talk, or say ‘red’ to stop immediately)

Dubious Consent (dubcon) means not getting explicit consent for certain actions. This can be dangerous unless you have a high degree of trust and all participants are very aware of their partners’ preferences. When dealing with dubcon, someone in a dominant position must be hyper-aware of the condition of their submissive(s) to ensure that what they are doing is acceptable. Dubcon is more common when dealing with play that the involved parties have done with each other in the past, so there are pre-existing expectations. Be careful: just because someone has consented in the past does not mean that they are comfortable with the same actions in the present.

Safety - Be aware of risks in your play. Ideally, any danger to the physical or mental health of your partner should be known in advance and precautions put into place. This does not necessarily mean that your partner knows the details of all the actions involved in play – if your consent arrangement allows leeway for surprises and creativity. In these situations, it is the dominant’s responsibility to account for potential risks. In hypnotic play, the most likely form of harm is psychological. This can include mitigating abreactions, dealing with poorly worded or misinterpreted suggestions, or managing stress associated with high-intensity play (burnouts and crashes).

Safety doesn’t mean that no harm will occur. If harm is likely, “risk-aware” consent is important.

If you are an amateur hypnotist, be careful when you attempt new kinds of play. Don’t be afraid to ask more experienced hypnotists for advice before trying something new. Some types of play are more dangerous than others. In particular, I would advise against personality play (creating artificial personas, especially named ones) and other play that has the potential for long-lasting side effects.

If you get in over your head, seek professional help. This is the same as going to a doctor if something goes wrong in a physical bdsm scene. If you are not trained in psychological treatment, don’t be afraid to take your partner to a professional.

Aftercare, Aftercare, AFTERCARE - Opening your mind to someone can be an intense experience, especially if it was with the intention of being controlled or manipulated. Even if every part of your session was PERFECT, the subject may still feel vulnerable, uncertain, or confused. The best thing you can do is BE there and show you care. If your subject has been under for a long time, make sure to ask them whether they need to use the restroom or get a drink of water, etc. as it is easy to lose track of basic needs after an intense or deep hypnotic experience. Help your subject recenter their consciousness around their self and physical body.

Respect - Your partner is a living, breathing human being and deserves to be treated as such, regardless of the nature of your play. This means that they deserve input into the play, and they have the right to a fulfilling relationship with you. (Submissive’s Bill of Rights)

Level 2: Friendship

I’ve seen some people who put d/s relationship before friendship. It’s possible, but from everything I’ve seen, putting friendship first gets better, longer-lasting results.

Mutualism - Both you and your partner should be getting some kind of fulfillment out of your interactions. Even if you are someone who is into being used or abused, there should be something about the experience that makes you want to continue the relationship. All parties involved have the right to mutual benefit, even if it is wrapped in the guise of exploitation for the purpose of a scene.

Caring - Showing that you genuinely care about your partner’s safety and fulfillment serves as a powerful base for the rest of your interactions. Even if you are a total ego-maniac, I can assure you; it is definitely a point worthy of pride to care what happens to your partner. If you are truly in control, you can provide an experience that is good for both of you. Wear your caring like a badge of honor; it puts you above the people who don’t.

Trust - If you have maintained all of these other crucial aspects of interaction, you might be worthy of your partner’s trust. Trust is both earned and given; some partners may require more effort on your part to establish a trusting relationship, especially if they have had their trust broken by someone in the past. Trust is also two-way; are you willing to put your trust in them? It will be easier for your partner to trust you if you are able to do the same. Here are some possible ways to encourage trust:

Respecting Limits - If you play often with someone, chances are that you will encounter one of their limits. Knowing when to slow down or stop can help your partner be more comfortable with more extreme forms of play because they have seen first-hand that you will respect their limits.

Consistent Responsibility - If you take your time and start with lower-risk or lower-intensity play, you can show your partner that you are responsible consistently. This goes a long way to building trust, and prepares your relationship for more intense play later.

Switching - Switching is when you and your partner reverse roles. In this context, it could mean them hypnotizing you, perhaps even in a dominant context. Switching can give you insight into your partner’s feelings, experiences and preferences. If you are typically dominant, experiencing submission or showing vulnerability can go along way to gaining trust with your primary partner, even if you are switching with someone else entirely. It takes a strong person to be in control all the time, but an even stronger person to be comfortable in situations when they are not in control! If switching isn’t for you, that’s fine, but many subjects will feel safer with someone who has been in their position. It also helps with your abilities as a hypnotist and/or dominant to understand the position of the subject/submissive.

Level 3: Play Relationship

At this point we are talking about the relationship between you and your partner(s) as hypnotist/subject, dominant/submissive, or switching partners. Now that you have built a strong foundation, you can define how you want to interact with each other!

Expectations - What do you expect from your partner(s) and what do they expect from you? This will be unique for every relationship, so communication is key. Here are some examples of common topics in the hypnofetish community:

Nature of the Relationship - Is this a romantic relationship? A sexual one? Is it purely play with no strings attached? Define what you are hoping to get out of this, and negotiate these with your partner. Do you want to involve titles like “Mistress” or “Sir”? Do you expect an ‘ownership’ relationship in the d/s sense?

Exclusivity - Do you expect the other person to be an exclusive partner or do they expect that from you? Do you have any pre-existing relationships? Are you expecting a casual relationship or committed?

Roles - Do you expect to always be the top/dominant? Do you expect to always be the submissive? Is switching okay? If so, in what context? Some people are okay with certain roles, but only in certain context or with certain caveats. For instance, it is common for switches to dislike being dominated by someone who does not recognize that they have a dominant side.

Time Commitment - How often do you and your partner want to play? Do your schedules align? Are any times NOT okay for playing? Is there a minimum amount of interaction you are comfortable with? A maximum?

Boundaries of Play - For those of you familiar with game design theory, this would be called the “magic circle”. This means the context in which you play, and which rules/expectations are applicable in that context. These could be a time, a place, or perhaps the mood of the participants. It could also mean defining safe words that mean “this is NOT a time to play.” If you have a d/s relationship, determine whether this relationship is in full effect all the time, or only at specific times. Some examples:

“When is it okay to hypnotize you?”

“Can I do subtle suggestions when we are talking to make you more ‘in the mood’ to play?”

“I don’t mind calling you ‘Mistress’ out of respect, but I won’t do it in front of my parents or coworkers”

“When I come home from work, it is important that you don’t play with me until you’ve made sure I didn’t have a really bad day.”

“I’ve really enjoyed our play, and I would like you to be my full-time subject. That would mean following any order at any time.”

“Well, that interests me, but there are certain orders that aren’t okay at certain times. However, I could definitely agree to always call you ‘master’ and to always follow orders that don’t disrupt my daily life or harm me.”

Types of Play - Are there any experiences or kinks you really want to incorporate into your play? How about your partner? Where are the overlaps? Is there anything new you want to try? Which things are definitely okay, maybe okay, or definitely NOT okay? Examples:

“It’s okay for you to do memory play, but please let me remember everything after we’re done for the day.”

“I’m okay with you using NLP to give me covert suggestions, but only if we agreed on those kinds of suggestions in advance.”

“I really like being turned into a cow hypnotically, but please no lactation stuff.”

Responsibility - What are the responsibilities you have in the relationship? Very often, a hypnotist/dominant’s responsibilities include preparation, safety, and aftercare. A subject’s responsibilities could include giving feedback, being self-aware about potential problems, and making sure that their interpretations of commands and suggestions meet expectations (example: A dominant could make it clear to a subject that certain suggestions or commands are supposed to be ignored if the play is interrupted. Many experienced hypnosubs are able to do emergency removal of suggestions like this; a great safety skill to work on!)

Example dominant / hypnotist responsibilities:

Researching new techniques before trying them

Preparing a scene

Providing emergency contact info in case a suggestion has unwanted lasting side effects and the subject needs help.

Setting up safety precautions during a session/scene (like “if your boss talks to you, all these suggestions will stop effecting you instantly”)

Aftercare - Always always always always set aside an appropriate amount of time to help your subject recover after a session. If you aren’t sure how much time this should be, play it safe and schedule more! With hypnosis involved, especially with deep trances, sometimes it takes a while for a subject to recover to a point where they can function normally. This can potentially be scary if the subject is left alone during this time. The ‘tist should be available to help the subject return to a “normal” state of mind, and to provide comfort if the subject is feeling particularly vulnerable, scared, or drained after the experience.

Example subject / submissive responsibilities (For bonus fun, these can be given by a dominant as commands if that is the nature of your relationship!)

“It is important that you always tell me if you are scared.”

“Don’t accept any suggestion that would cause you permanent harm” - This one should also be reinforced hypnotically as a safety precaution

“I expect you to never lie about whether a session was a positive experience.”

Level 4: Scene

Now that you’ve defined your relationship, desires, interests, etc. It’s time to play! In bdsm terms, the scene is the context within which you play – the time, place, and types of play you engage in.

Remember, it’s perfectly acceptable to draw a line about where/when the scene begins and ends, so it’s fine to define limits and definitions like “I want to worship you as a goddess when we are playing, but I don’t think of you that way when we aren’t in a scene – you are just my close friend.” or “I want you to make me into a dumb bimbo tonight, but please treat me as an intelligent person afterwards.”

There are so many types of hypnotic play that I couldn’t possibly cover them, so have fun experimenting!

Hard not to enjoy this over and over again.

Note to you “doms”.... Understand the value to your better half when you take responsibilities in the relationship. “No” is not just “No”. It goes further and has greater value to her. Understand your responsibility to the relationship. She will love you all the more for it.

when he says no

I love begging him to extend my bedtime. I love when he says no. 

I love asking if I can buy a sugary latte. I love when he says no.

I love asking if I can skip my workout because laziness. I love when he says no.

I love begging to watch an extra hour of TV on a weeknight. I love when he says no.

I love asking if I can buy that pretty top I saw when I went to return something, even though my credit card bill is ridiculous. I love when he says no.

I don’t ask because I want to be denied. Not really. I ask because I want something I’ve always immediately granted myself. I ask because I have desires and impulses and I need to express them. And even though there’s the teeniest bit of disappointment when he says no, there is also relief and inner peace. I feel taken care of. I feel like I’m becoming a better person with improved habits. I feel healthier, happier and less stressed. No more guilt. It’s gone.

It makes his yeses so rewarding. The latte tastes sweeter. The next episode of that TV show is funnier. The top is prettier and feels worth the money.  With his permission, I can have guilt-free indulgences. I can find joy in things I’d often shamed myself for, the things you’re supposed to enjoy. That was no way to live.

 I said it before it was my reality, and I’ll say it again:

Everything just feels better when you have permission.

I am looking forward to when I become the richest man on earth.