I Haven’t Platonicposted In A While

You order a package off Amazon. When the Amazon delivery guy shows up to your door, instead of giving you the package you bought, he beats the shit out of you. Then, when he sees that you are not dead yet, he calls all of the Amazon delivery people in the area and they all proceed to beat the shit out of you. Miraculously, you survive. Another miracle: a friend in your neighborhood caught the assault on video. After a month of recovery and extensive hospital bills that you have no idea what to do with, the video has gone viral. You read the comments below. “This is what happens to people who fuck with Amazon!!!” Someone says. “I’ve never been beaten up by Amazon employees, and I’ve been using them all my life!” Someone else comments. Later, you start to see articles popping up about your story. They all mention that when you were 17, your license was revoked for reckless driving. In a Facebook post on your mom’s feed, someone is going on a rant about how not all Amazon delivery guys are bad, and that if you look really close, the “bad” ones are just stressed out. Your name is trending on Twitter. Jeff Bezos films a response to your attack, denouncing the video of you getting beaten to within an inch of your life by his employees as becoming “a symbol of hate towards Amazon.” The people who attacked you still deliver packages around your neighborhood. You saw one of them just yesterday as you were watering your plants. You still can’t pay your hospital bills. Your phone dings- Twitter again. “Maybe if you didn’t order from Amazon,” someone pipes up, “this wouldn’t have happened!”

he’s so smol!

Holds hands out* winged Patton? Please? I won’t hurt him

You better be gentle with him

Just a reminder for anyone new here:

Tumblr's policy of selling your posts to AI companies is Opt-OUT, not opt-in. Meaning everything you post gets sold until you go in your blog settings and toggle this switch (supposedly)

"You're losing blood" no I know exactly where it is. The floor. Don't ever underestimate me.

crosshair for my blog's 12th bday

for all my fellow glasses wearers

textless version below

//tfw when you manage to throw a straight up paintball fight in the mess with your not-so-jedi superior- also a minute of silence for those three because they’re gonna be scubbing the mess with their toothbrushes… 

also, we know you’re guilty too Fives

happy valentines day💕 they’re such nerds help

Reblog for greater sample size.

The liveshow honestly gives me so much joy

Finally watching the recording of the W359 liveshow, and:

I find it so funny that for the liveshow, they needed a time in the chronology when A) as many of the characters were together as possible, B) they all generally liked each other, and C) nothing too life-threatening was going on, and all they could come up with was 5 minutes during episode 26.

Zach Valenti's expressive little hand gestures are everything.

COMMANDER HILBERT.

The looks Minkowski gives Eiffel are exactly how I imagined them. She's so over it.

"I'm taking one of my frequent holidays away from the station," Hera says as she plops herself down a few feet away from the other two.

ZACH VALENTI MOVING BACK AND FORTH ON DIFFERENT SIDES OF EMMA SHERR-ZIARKO TO BE EIFFEL AND HILBERT-

He's running back and forth while they argue. This is great.

(loud noises that a space station probably shouldn't be making)

No one storms in like Isabel Lovelace.

Oh, you guys were NOT kidding about the Minlace shit. Lovelace pushing Eiffel out of the way so she can stand close enough to Minkowski to kiss her... the yuri is real.

Eiffel crossing over to where Hera is standing to talk to her...my heart.

They're both staring Eiffel down from either side as they lecture him.

And now Minkowski is pushing Eiffel out of the way to get closer to Lovelace. Sir, you are third-wheeling some badass lesbians right now, and I hope you know that.

Eiffel talking to himself (recording) vs. Eiffel talking to himself (tin can voice) vs. Eiffel talking to himself (Hilbert)

The fact that when Eiffel programs recordings of himself to talk to, they're arguing with him... really says something about his entire mindset.

LOVELACE, YOU ARE MY WHOLE ENTIRE WORLD.

Minkowski's so dramatic. She should have been onstage.

"Doctor", he says, referring to the blank space where he stands when he delivers his other set of lines.

Cecilia-Lynn Jacobs does an *excellent* job acting out Lovelace's sheer... Lovelace-ness.

Every time Minkowski and Lovelace give Eiffel twin disapproving looks, I gain two years back onto my life.

Minkowski's little giggle when Lovelace tells Eiffel off, and that smile she has going... this is the moment when she fell in love with her, I swear.

Seriously, her smirk is my everything. Emma Sherr-Ziarko deserves all the awards.

MINKOWSKI ACTING OUT THE RECORDINGS--

"SHUT UP, HILBERT." (Valenti sadly retreats to his Eiffel spot)

Lovelace looks *very* much like she's about to kiss Minkowski to shut her up. S4 is when I started shipping them, but their dynamic in S2 is also top-tier,

Minkowski walking off slowly in exasperation...

THE BOOK.

"Well, all right, I do." Renee Minkowski, I would do anything you asked without a moment's hesitation.

Her singing voice is SO musical theater. Seriously, she deserved to play Christine in Phantom of the Opera or something.

New headcanon: Eiffel wasn't joking and actually has a fuckload of DND dice on him at all times.

Aw, Eiffel has so much faith in Minkowski. He trusts her so much.

Minkowski's Lovelace impression scaring the shit out of Eiffel is funny on SO many levels.

Hera looks almost offended by this whole thing.

"Eiffel does bad Hilbert impression" will always be funny no matter how many times it happens.

Why does Eiffel's Minkowski voice sound like a Muppet-

I am not immune to Minkowski and Lovelace finishing each other's sentences. In S2 it mostly only happens when they're yelling at Eiffel, but still.

"The captain and I need a moment to... come up with some creative disciplinary action." Is that what the kids are calling it these days? (If I ever write that Minlace fic, I'm totally using that.)

Cutter is even more terrifying when you can see his face.

Minkowski is SO done. She cannot deal with one more thing today. Neither can Lovelace, honestly.

Minkowski and Cutter interacting will never not be the funniest shit ever to me, because they are on OPPOSITE ends to the "very literal" to "speaks entirely in niceties and metaphors" spectrum. The communication between Eiffel and the aliens was easier.

Minkowski's military face -

Ohhh, I don't like the way Cutter looks at Hera one bit.

The way the entire audience cringes when Cutter says "if I wanted the station to just stay in orbit, the Hephaestus would be run by a real person." Hera IS a real person, you motherfucker.

(aggressive Memoria flashbacks)

Cutter, you SHIT. Go get fucked.

(even more aggressive Memoria flashbacks)

(I need to relisten to Memoria)

(I will probably ruin my entire day and possibly my entire week if I relisten to Memoria)

My poor sweet Hera. She deserves the world.

So does Minkowski.

Eiffel, you poor idiot-- Even Cutter looks tired.

Cutter quoting Pryce and Carter is so funny considering he wrote the damn book.

Don't you dare touch him, Marcus Cutter. Stay far away from my communications officer.

Eiffel, you goddamn idiot. I love you but Jesus Christ.

The bit where Eiffel puts his head down in the corner and then stumbles back out to the girls --

"It's like we were there!" Isabel Sofia Lovelace, never change.

When Cutter laughs, my heartbeat shoots UP.

The girls' looks at the moment can best be described as "God save me from Doug Eiffel", "hopefully Cutter doesn't follow through on that threat to decomission me" and "of course he fucked everything up", respectively.

Minkowski almost looks proud of her moron now. Lovelace still looks over it.

Minkowski putting her hand on Eiffel's back- they're my awful friends and I love them.

(disgruntled Russian growl)

Lovelace patting Eiffel on the shoulder while telling him he did a good job is delightful.

Aww, Minkowski and Eiffel friendship moment!

Utter darkness. That was a great use of my hour. Highly recommend.