Thinking About A Parallel Universe Where Furries With Big Useless Bappy Paws Exist IRL, But So Does That

The 13th century Swedish peasant boy who's crashing on my couch keeps eating my leftover General Tso's. I always tell him he can order his own but he's all "oh no, just wonton soup is fine with me, it reminds me of winters at home by the fire" but when I open the fridge the next day, what do I see? Not my leftovers! I don't even think they had wontons in medieval Sweden.

Reblog if you're a cuddler.

People have been asking about the ketsnake so I shall elaborate fully.

That incident was... possibly the funniest mistake the think tank has made since the black throne incident.

Due to a workplace accident, someone's pet snake got chucked into what amounts to the blinkspace equivalent of a particle collider (Three sunzis can make an acceleration loop, to give you an idea of the bullshit we were doing)

By some cosmic coincidence that thing survived. We were 60% sure it was sheer, astronomical, dumb luck that kept its atoms roughly the same.

Roughly.

It came out with an intellect several times that of a shackled NHP, let alone a human. But it was still an animal and cared only for animal things - theoretically we could have taught it to speak but the thing only ever used its hyperdense neurons to do shit like open its food container early.

I will reiterate, by all rights it should have been lost to the blink or had its atoms scrambled, and the most likely explanation we could come up with is that its atoms were rearranged back into the snake shape by sheer fucking coincidence.

Naturally the armoury put together a small but experienced team to study this surprisingly boring miracle. It was a few steps from lowest priority because to them because it just. was. not. useful. Buuuuut it was interesting.

So they scanned it and sent the data to the think tank for simulations. We said what in less cascade-ey terms amonuted to "Give it a cocktail of drugs, It will trip and see the world like you do."

So they did.

Our simulations predicited that it would respond to ketamine as one would expect. That was the first step among many.

Some poor fucker (JOSH) didn't feed it chemically pure Ket as we specifically requested.

IT DID NOT RESPOND NORMALLY TO IMPURITIES IN THE KETAMINE.

Suffice to say, several people were hospitalised and the lab was destroyed, the ketamine snake is presumably floating somewhere in space waiting to cause problems, and our caskets were covered in various organic fluids, candy, residue from what might have been the oldest unopened wine collection in the purview, and what I'm fairly certain was someone's hair gel.

For what are probably enkidu related reasons my memories regarding the armoury's exploration into drugs is roughly just what the public knows and a few prototypes, but the ketsnake, apparrently, is firmly lodged into my memory. So enjoy, good omninet. And weep, for it may come for you.

mech pilot who got separated from their mecha when their civilisation was domestication and their military got dissolved. despite all attempts to help them, they still have persistent phantom sensation from the limbs that they used to have but no longer do; constantly missing the feeling of a rifle in hands that don't feel the right size, feeling blind and deaf without all of the enhanced feedback from sensors capable of a hundred times greater acuity than their own body

eventually, however, one particular affini reads their medical file and comes up with an idea. she files a notice of intent on the pilot, then swiftly heads over to their hab and whisks them away the next morning. they don't even bother resisting; having long since given up hope that things will get better, and unable to imagine any way they could get worse

the affini takes them home and lays them down on a surgery table, promising them that soon, everything is going to feel right again. they expect nothing, presuming her to be lying to them, but they feel a great weight behind their eyes, and a moment later, they fall closed.

it feels like they've only blinked, but when they reopen them, everything is different. every sense that was missing is suddenly there again. they look down at their arms to find them just the right size; their body no longer one of flesh, but of gleaming white metal plates, pulsating with thin green lines of a material they don't recognise. it takes them a moment to realise what it is: under their metal skin are muscles and tendons made out of vines, their former optical sensors replaced with sight blossoms, and their rifle woven back together from a mixture of bark, chambered with rounds made of amber

most of all, they are no longer alone. they could feel their mech before, but it's different this time; as if the sensation surrounding them isn't quite their own, but a body that is both theirs and not. a faint, slow pulsing that shifts in time with every movement, guiding them to know exactly where to look, and what to do. moments later, they hear a voice whispering- not into their ear, but directly into their mind, just like their onboard AI used to:

"Good morning, my precious little Pilot."

+ MY FUCKING LAPTOP CAUGHT ON FIRE???? HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO PLAY MINECRAFT?!?!!

+ CAN- can GR run games?...

+ ...Be right back.

tomorrow i will ride an elephant sized isopod into a crowded public area and we will all find out what happens next together

what the fuck are these donations man