It's A Recipe For Cookies, They're Hungry And Need To Eat Food Or Else They'll Eat Something They Shouldn't.

Me: Is it wearing my heels Demon: *nods* Me: FOR FUCKS SAKE! I JUST BOUGHT THOSE!

You wake up to find your sleep paralysis demon holding you tight in fear, tears in eyes. “There’s a monster in the closet”, it says.

I look like a fucking man

I'm not gonna sugar coat it!!!!!

you're very beautiful.

and yeah,

you're gonna have to deal with that for the rest of your life

Ranger: Mikachu, we talked about this. Me: Bitch I grew up in America, I got fucking murder weapons everywhere.

“You have my sword” said the Ranger. “And my Bow” said the elf. “And my axe” said the dwarf. “And all of my guns” said the American.

This reminds me of how I act with a friend.... She's Raph but instead of Leo in the speech bubble...... It's FUCKING WILLAIM AFTON!!!! While I'm Mikey trying to get her to stop.

I will never shut up yall im sorry

Someone pay for her therapy. I believe she needs it

just realized i didn't put my wrapped here. erm im showing off

Me: *sees them with blood* Beasty #1: You taught us well! Me: I JUST READ YOU A MURDER MYSTERY! I DIDN'T TEACH YOU ANYTHING?! WHY DO YOU HAVE THE BODY WITH YOU???

You were the caretaker for the mythical beasts of the royal family. Yesterday they decided to replace you with some incompetent noble, before kicking you out of the castle. You then spent the night in a nearby forest. However today you were awakened by the beasts who chose to follow you.

Wife: STOP SLOBERING ON THE DAMN COUCH! Me: MAKE ME! *puts daughter on back and I run away, both of us laughing* Wife: WHEN I GET MY HANDS ON YOU

Slowly turning into a werewolf after being bitten by one, you were terrified of losing your mind, and hurting your wife or daughter. Turns out, there wasn’t any need for worry, since wolves are extremely loyal to their mate and their children. Life changes in unexpected but fun ways.

@chromeeeeeeeeee

Save money by using me as a therapist since I'm a therapist friend!

finances are really stressing me out, I really need therapy

therapy is really expensive, I should save my money

finances are really stressing me out, I need therapy

therapy is really expensive, I should save my money

Me: I honestly have no idea who yo- OMG! LOOK AT HOW BIG THAT GUN IS!!!! Villain: PAY ATTENTION TO ME!!! Me: Bitch I have ADHD!

“Do you have any idea who you are talking to?”, the villain asked you. Since you have never seen them before and just stumbled into their lair on accident you choose to answer truthfully.