Save Money By Using Me As A Therapist Since I'm A Therapist Friend!

Wow... just... wow....

wow can’t believe jupiter is actually trans <3

Me: *internally to the alien mind* NO! MY DOGS ARE NOT FOOD!!!!

After a freak accident, you start experiencing strange abilities and visions of an alien world. You soon realize that an alien consciousness has merged with yours. How do you navigate this new existence, and what do the aliens want from Earth?

"So we're not fighting as often right???? Cause my son really likes your kid and I'm not fucking that up"

you are a Villian who's a single parent of a son. Recently they started dating someone. When you arrived to their house, you notice how their parent is the hero you fight daily. Your son and date went outside for some alone time, leaving you and the hero some time to talk

It's the brand. This one is a "Lifesavers" I think. They do have holes in them usually but I can't clearly read the name

My mint at church tonight doesn't have a hole

Person: "Wait what?" Me: Me like bombs. Me like poison. Me like bombs

"I knew he was afraid of my conquering army, but I didn't think he would be stupid enough to leave you behind." "Oh, no, you quite misunderstand. Your army's already dead."

Depends on if it was Owl post with my letter from Hogwarts or not

what would you do if there were a post right in front of you

Me: BITCH YOU ARE DEAD! Them: NOT YET HOE! SUCK IT!

Your friend always said “I’ll rest when I’m dead,” so much that it became his catchphrase. He says it again today when he came into work, going about his daily routine. This normally wouldn’t be concerning, if not for the fact that you attended his funeral two weeks ago.

Yes. So is going on tumblr in the middle of the night

Tim... Did you do you spanish lesson.....

Bruce: TIM! Are you ok? I heard screaming

Tim, in tears: I had a nightmare about the duolingo owl

Bruce, who's parenting books have not prepared him for this: ....what

Jason, from the other room: HOOT HOOT

Tim: screaming

THEN FUCKING READ FANFICTION CHROME!!! OR USE CHARACTER.AI AND MAKE THEM ACCURATE SO THAT YOU FEEL LIKE YOUR ACTUALLY TALKING TO THE CHARACTER!!!

I MISS MY WIVES I MISS THEM I WANNA HUG THEM I WANT MY WIVES