I Love How Accurate His Impression Of Miri Is

Obey Me As Tumblr #4

Satan: So I MEANT to say “oh crap, I left my phone in my car” but what I ALMOST said was “oh no, I left my cone in my phar,” and damn wouldn’t that have been embarrassing, but I caught myself, and what I ACTUALLY said was

“Ah, my fart cone.”

So anyway

•

Simeon: Today these two boys in my math class were hitting each other with pencils and my teacher said “could you try to be a little more mature?”

One of them screamed “TAXES” and punched the other kid in the face

•

Leviathan: Sex is so weird it’s literally just putting your penis inside someone else’s penis. Like what the fuck

Asmodeus: I don’t think that’s how it works

Leviathan: Yes it is. I’ve had so much sex. A lot. Like 100 sex.

•

Mammon: What did one cell say to his sister cell that stepped on his toe

Mammon: Mitosis

Leviathan: I want to die

•

Mammon: How long does someone have to be dead before it’s considered archeology instead of grave robbing

Solomon: An an archeologist I find this a veRY AWKWARD QUESTION

Mammon: Answer the question grave robber

•

Satan: Ah yes, the Trojan horse. Or as I like to call it murderous piñata

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Asmodeus: Years ago I watched this porn and the girl was screaming ‘oh god, oh god!!!’ And this dude was like ‘there are no gods here’ and to this day it haunts me wtf was he talking about

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Mammon: At my funeral there is going to be a closed casket and then it will be opened to reveal I am not inside. Instead they will turn on the ceiling fan and my lifeless body will swing around the room while the space jam theme song is playing in the back ground

Mammon: Never mind my brother says I can’t do that

•

MC: I just had the best encounter with a child at Kmart. I was in the aisle shopping and this boy and his dad come around the corner. The little blonde boy sees me and excitedly exclaims “there’s a human here!!” To which his father replied, “Yes, there’s humans everywhere.”

Mammon: Bro you do realize you just met aliens

Solomon: Not unusual for Kmart

•

Mammon: I was looking at grapes in the store and this old lady comes up to me and goes “you’re not stealing those are you?” So I’m like no lol? and she goes “oh, well I am.” And grabbed a handful of grapes and left

Leviathan: GKSKVKSM

•

Diavolo: “What time is it?” You ask, I pull out my 2.7 metric ton granite sundial and immediately crush both of your feet, I loudly announce “it is cloudy.”

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Solomon: This is the dumbest thing to nitpick, but the phrase “real UFO” bothers me any UFO is a real UFO as long as it’s unidentified and flying because that’s what those words mean whether or not it’s an alien is a different matter. It could be a pancake someone threw real hard as long as you don’t know that’s what it is it’s a UFO

Satan: I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: Anything is a UFO if you’re bad enough at identified stuff

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MC: People with uteri are never gonna have a perfectly flat stomach. They’re always gonna have a little pouch, because that’s where we keep our bees.

Thirteen: Once a month the moon angers the bees.

•

Lucifer: Gave my students a pop quiz today and learned something new: if you make all the answers C, you will see 35 of the most hilariously panicked and confused faces in the world.

Raphael: Are you Satan?

•

Leviathan: Was it really necessary for me to be born?

Simeon: Possibly not, but double chocolate chip cookies aren’t necessarily either but I wouldn’t want to live in a world without them

Leviathan: That is the most uplifting thing I’ve read all day

•

Belphegor: What if your phobias are based off how you died in a past life

Mammon: Why is this not getting around faster

Beelzebub: DUDE

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Leviathan: It’s 2021 why can’t I delete friends in real life?

Leviathan: Ok so it turns out what I was thinking of it called murder

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Satan: Next time a conspiracy theorist tries to tell you ‘what really happened’, present a more outlandish theory and accuse them of covering up the truth

Conspiracy theorist: “The moon landing was faked!”

Me: “Pfft, you believe in the moon?”

•

MC: Boys are so lucky they get boners to tell them that they’re horny because girls are just like am I horny or am I hungry or am I bored I don’t know I don’t have a dick

Mammon: That’s definitely an interesting take. But sometimes we get boners for no reason and it’s something like “What is it boy? Did you see something?”

•

Solomon: I just attended the best Passion of the Christ play. As they were “nailing” Jesus to the cross the entire thing broke. No one knew what to do and it got quiet. Finally one of the guards on stage said “you get out of it this time Jesus”

Mammon: Omfg

Leviathan: I CAN’T STOP FUCKING LAUGHING NOBODY LOOK AT ME

Satan: #IT’S BACK

TW; Themes of depression , Self loathing & Implication/mentions of self harm

It wasn’t her lycanthropy that made her feel like a monster, it was but her own damaged heart and inner demons.

And So she ran away - believing her very presence was a burden too heavy to carry, if only to protect her loved ones from her own demise - No matter how deeply she wanted to run back and crash into his embrace, no matter how deeply her heart yearned to accept his love.

A very dumb little thing because I like to make animations that I will never clean up ever

In which Inquisitor Fael Lavellan ( @kurogoesinthedas ) refuses the deal with the Ben-Hassrath and Hissrad manages to convert Numin to the Qun.

🤣🤣

Solas reacting to the inquisitor being one of the ancient elves and recognizing him?

It depends on how the Inquisitor reacts. If the Inquisitor is willing to talk, Solas tries to explain himself (omitting the more damning details) and work something out. If they’re hostile, Solas NOPES out of there so fast your head would spin. He runs off to the Crossroads and continues his plans there.

(Will be doing these bit by bit because it will get very long and out of hand.)

N1: what would they never do?

“It’s bad enough the mages are loose–We cannot have more apostates prancing about unsupervised. We need t-” Cullen’s shoulder is roughly shoved back, and he’s suddenly face to face with an angry Warden-Commander Surana.

“Finish that sentence Rutherford. Look at me in the eye and say it.” There’s a barely contained anger in his posture, an underlying threat in his voice. Cullen straightens his shoulders, a hand on the hilt of his sword.

“-We need them under control.” he growls. “That-girl- specifically, is a disaster waiting to happen.” He points to Sara, who instead of hiding behind Josephine, is standing tall, chin up and eyes sharp.

“She is eleven. She is a child.” Surana barely raises his voice, but it echoes all around the war room anyway. The ambient temperature drops by several degrees, frost spreading on his breastplate. “She is no more dangerous than any other with a knife.” he leans in closely, close enough that Cullen can see the green in the Warden-Commander’s eyes shift in color.

“Moreover, she is supervised.” Surana takes a step forward, crowding into his personal space. Cullen feels the hair on the back of his neck crawl with static.

“She has a Fade expert, a Witch of the Wilds, and a Tevinter Altus mentoring her. The Grand Enchanter of the Circle of Magi and the First Enchanter of Montsimmard are here. A Trained Arcanist oversees her experiments, as do the Tranquil. She has any number of instructors she can choose from.” Cullen’s back hits the wall. The Warden-Commander tilts his head, a shadow over his brow.

“And most importantly,” Surana hisses, “She has me.”

aka. papa bear rémi, exhibit A

More Camping chaos💚

"Loud snoring"

Ominis: *pops his head out of his tent after being woken up* WHO THE HELL IS THAT?! WHOS SNORING?! ITS DRIVING ME INSANE! *frowns*

Leander: *pops his head out of his tent* Shut up Ominis! I was JUST drifting off, till I heard you fucking screaming!

Sebastian: To hell with you Prewett! Have you heard the snoring?! Who is it?! And Where's Sebastian?! He was in here with me before!

Natty and poppy: *leaning out of their tent to see the commotion*

Imelda: *popping her head out* Can you guys be quiet!!? Though I do agree, this snoring is ridiculous!

Amit: *popping his head out of a tent half asleep* What's happening out here?

Everett: *popping out of the same tent as Amit* You guys know I'm not one to get angry, but I SWEAR to merlin if I don't get a good night sleep, I'm going to be FOUL to everyone tomorrow, and I dont want that! *frowns*

Ominis: Sebastian?! SEBASTIAN?!

Leander: Oi! Garreth?!

Garreth: *leaning out of another tent with a moody look* This better be DAMN good, What?!

Leander: I was just seeing if you were the one snoring, seems like you aren't.

Ominis: Sebastian?!

Sebastian: *popping his head out of MC's tent* What's with all the fucking shouting?!

Leander: PFFFT! should of KNOWN you'd of weasled your way into MC's tent Sallow! You fucking DOG!

Garreth: *laughs*

Sebastian: Prewett I'd come over there and knock you out..But I'm kinda naked right now and it's chilly out here *frowns*

Natty: MC?

MC: *pops her head out next to Sebastians* Hey *smiles*

Poppy: OK, so we're all here, awake..And the snoring is still happening...

The gang: .....

Garreths: *steps out of his tent and looks over to the tree line, seeing a huge shadow of a troll stood there looking at the camp, breathing heavily* FUUUUUUCK ITS A FUCKING TROLL! FUCK FUCK FUCK! *scrambles trying to find his wand*

Ominis: (?!?!?!?!?!) WHAT?!

Imelda, Natty & Poppy: *grabbing their wands*

Leander: *grabbing his wand* SALLOW! GET OUT HERE!!!!

Sebastian: *stumbling out of MC's tent pulling up his underwear that he's just thrown on in a panic, and grabbing his wand* Fighting a fucking troll in my undies at 3 am isn't how I wanted to spend my night!!

Ominis: *panicked* MC?!

MC: Ominis! Come over here to my tent!

Sebastian: Oi! No funny business until I get back!

Ominis: *crawling his way over to MC's tent, shouting over the chaos* OH sure Sebastian!! *frowns* I couldn't think of a more perfect time to FUCK MC while everyone's fighting a DAMN TROLL!!!!

~

What made you pick bear for jaskier, I’m fond of crane!Jaskier

That’s a very good take, and actually the most fitting, I think? I thought about that too. But I wanted to put Jaskier in the school that was the least fitting for him, so bears it was :) (and he is a teddy!) Also: