DNI If You Don't Wanna Read Brain Vomit. Posting This As A Little Vent Session, Mainly For Me

DNI if you don't wanna read brain vomit. Posting this as a little vent session, mainly for me

--

Comfortability within pain is a weird skill to embrace.

Ive always found myself relating and almost trying to turn myself into characters who go through pain. Who end the show beaten bloody and broken, but are okay in a weird way. I find myself wanting to go on their journey, to feel that pain and wear those scars because then maybe I won't have to speak to everyone again.

People always assume my character through my appearance, and why not let their imaginations run free even if it isn't true? But I guess I don't want that. I want people to see my blood to know I have a heart pumping it.

This comes from watching Arcane season 1 again, and tantalizing about what having my teeth knocked out feels like. What getting into a fight where I have to claw for air feels like. All my pain has been through the air, but the traumatized (or just severely masochistic) part of me only craves to know what scars can do for me. Everything else I've done is to shape my image for other people against the grain of what has eroded me.

The world hurts and I hurt and we all hurt and I love every second of being alive. I hold my friends hands, or watch them cough up a lung trying a new strain of weed, or go on coffee walks with them so we can talk about writing, and all of my pain makes those steps feel so gentle. I was beaten by my dad, not fate. Fate brought me to the right place, and will continue to do so for my remaining years.

I don't like pain. But it's easy. I know how to fix that. I know what bandages to buy. But when it lies in my brain, I just wanna go back to sleep and wake up when I don't want to hurt anymore. When I don't think I deserve this punishment that so many people convinced me was warranted.

It'll happen one day. Just gotta keep on trucking.

--

If you did read this, oof, but fair enough.