Ugh My Heart

My Sirius Black Headcanons:

talked to the moon while in azkaban bc he missed remus

actually a huge softie

tough exterior but super sensitive on in inside

at one point the other marauders found out that he could speak french almost fluently and the one who loved it the most was remus

the first time james told him that he loves him and that he was like his brother, he cried bc no one had ever told him that they loved him before

gave remus a notebook, but only so he can read it when remus is asleep

while in azkaban, he would also transform into a dog every full moon. he would lie down and stare at the moon, hoping remus is okay and that makes it safely through the night

biggest drama queen hogwarts has ever seen

sleeps in remus' sweaters

wears a leather jacket instead of his robes and doesn't understand why mcgonagall tells him to “take that thing off”

always likes to hug everyone and his love language is physical contact

would blast muggle music when he was at 12 grimmauld place for the holidays just to piss off his blood prejudiced family

after graduating hogwarts, he finds out about muggle motorcycles and never uses floo again

black suits are his thing, but only when he isn’t wearing his leather jacket or his gryffindor robes

biggest heart. if he cares and loves you, he cares and loves very hard and deeply. when he says, he got you, he got you. literally for anything

Moony and Padfoot

Remus reading muggle books to Sirius is the headcanon I’m here for

James Potter ♥ Lily Evans

There was his father waving up at him, beaming, the untidy black hair Harry had inherited standing up in all directions. There was his mother, alight with happiness, arm in arm with his dad.

i love crying

Day 12, animagus!

Remus just realize that he won t be alone anymore :”)

Prompts by @yumenouveau and @artymakeart

The Darkness wept || 𝓢𝓲𝓻𝓲𝓾𝓼 𝓑𝓵𝓪𝓬𝓴

Summary: Sirius spends the Christmas break at Grimmauld Place 12 and he has to learn that the lives of the ones he loves are in danger.

Warnings: hints of homophobia, physical abuse & slurs

A/N: It’s a little bit angsty, but i hope you enjoy it! Feedback is always welcome btw.

Sirius walks over to the window and reflects on his cold surroundings. He has always hated Grimmauld Place 12 with its damaged, suffocating darkness. It’s a place that encourages his tendency to feel sad and all what is waiting for him now, is the torture of the holidays. What was the point of keeping his promise to his father to stay over Christmas anyway? Sirius would have never agreed to this, but his father always leaves a terrifying impression on him. His face is filled with fury, the desire to be with James and the rest of his friends growing. He can remember them clearly. Their voices and faces never leaving his head. Suddenly, his line of thoughts are interrupted, when his mother, Walburga Black appears in the dark doorway, dressed in a beaded black evening gown. "I see you’re back," she says, in a tight-fisted tone. Sirius represses the desire to laugh. "Unfortunately," he answers.

"Don’t your so-called friends want you anymore?" A tiny, satisfied grin marks her face. "You know nothing about me or any of my friends," he shots back.

Her eyes stay fixed on him. "You haven't heard it yet, have you? I haven't told Regulus either, but i wanted to let you know first." Sirius' mouth is set in a thin line, his expression grim. "There were deadly attacks on mudbloods and half-breeds, which seem to be increasing at every minute," she says, almost satisfied, as she eyes him curiously. Sirius balls his hands into fists. "What the hell are you talking about?" He feels sick to his stomach, feeling like he might throw up. "It’s true," she declares viciously. He never felt more hate towards her than in this moment. If he could, he would wipe that condescending look off her face. "Mudbloods and bloodtraitors, filth and stains of dishonor. It had long been necessary." His head is pounding. It couldn’t be true. Remus and Lily. Whatever it takes, he would make sure, they’re safe from any hurt, harm or danger. He knows that this world is not safe for Remus. Twice he put his life in danger, to protect him and he’ll not hesitate, when the deatheaters will go to find him. He can’t afford to lose him. Sirius narrows his eyes at Walburga, but says nothing. He can feel her tense up in front of him.

"You won’t be seeing that half-breed werewolf anymore. What’s his name? Remus?"

Sirius freezes, his breathing shallow. Slowly, he turns to face his mother. "How do you know about that?" he asks harshly. Walburga looks carelessly at her nails before answering. "Regulus was always more observant and clever than you ever gave him credit for." To hell with them all, Sirius thinks. His brother and his stupid views. He adopted them so quickly. What a bunch of crap they all are. "You either stop seeing that filthy boy or he’s as good as dead." Sirius looks her right in the eyes, giving her that stare. The Black men always had a stare that made you either love then or fear them. "You wouldn’t dare," he says.

"Oh, i would," she spats. "Deep down, you've always been like the rest of us."

"I’m nothing like you. I’m what you made me!" he blares out. "If anything happens to Remus, i’ll destroy everything in this house and then myself." Sirius feels ice flood in his veins. She stares at him, wide-eyed. "Don’t tell me, you really care that much for that filth of a boy?” His fists ball at his sides, nails pressing into his palms. "He’s my friend and i love h-" he blurts out, voice trembling a little. Sirius regrets the words as soon as they leave his mouth.

"Love him!" she erupts in laughter. "Absolutely horrendous. There’s no such thing as love!" she declares in pure disgust.

His mother is furious, her rage filling the room and instinctively, Sirius takes a few steps backwards. "Pathetic," she bellows. "You brought shame on this family. Tell me... is he your boyfriend?" He’s trembling, a familiar feeling rising up inside of him, something burning in his throat.

"We’re just friends - "

Walburga clenches her jaw. The room is silent. She takes a few steps forward and fists his collar. He tries to pull away, but she doesn’t let go. "If you ever go near that boy again, if you try to talk to him, i’m going to tear you apart." Sirius goes pale, shaking. "You know i can’t do that." He’s incredulous that she’s actually threatening him. That she’s trying to break him and Remus apart. She doesn’t threaten him very often anymore, but she always has a knack for it.

Her dark and possessive eyes are fixed on him. Sirius breathes hard, chest heavy. He hated his mother all his life, the things she has put him through are unthinkable, but the unreasonable part of him still loves her, seeks her approval. She laughs, confident he won't do a damn thing. Digging her nails into his collar, she throws him up against the wall. Everything feels numb. Sirius can feel his eyes burning and his hands fly up to his head. He bites his lip to stifle a scream, as a shooting pain strikes his head.

"Sirius, don't be stupid" she says in a flat voice. "You should have known, that i’m only her to warn you."

"I hate you so much" he spits out.

"Your brother told me about the things you have going on with that boy. You’re gonna leave him alone. I don’t want any mudblood close to you." He chuckles, loudly. "No, i’m not." His mother looks him in the eye, "I wasn't asking, Sirius."

"I'm not gonna leave him alone, that's final."

"Clearly you are having trouble understanding me. You are not to speak or be with him ever again. If i know you’ve been in contact with him, or anyone else of your so-called friends, i’ll take care of it and they’ll all be dead, you ungrateful brat."

He never felt so weak and powerless before. And the whole time, his mind keeps wandering back to Remus. "Get the fuck out. Get the fuck out, now!" she yells. Grabbing his arms, pulling him harshly and watching him struggle to get up. Sirius’ ears are ringing. "Mother." He suddenly hears the all too familiar voice of his brother. "Let him go, you'll hurt him." Regulus attempts to pull him away, but Sirius shoves him away. "Don’t you dare touch me", he growls. There are tears forming in his eyes, desperately holding back the urge to cry, as he stumbles away. Looking at his mother with terror in his eyes, he leaves the room and slams the door.

Nothing in the world could calm Sirius's nerves tonight.

One night the Marauders & Co talked about growing old together.

Marlene and Dorcas were making plans about traveling the world together.

Lily and James were looking forward to taking their children to platform 9 3/4.

Sirius was planning all the pranks he would play and dreamt about the future shared with Remus and all his loved ones.

Peter was just looking forward to being in the company of his friends.

Everyone was laughing and having a good time, but Remus was sitting silently.

Lily asked him what’s wrong and he said “I’m a werewolf. I’m probably not going to live that long.”

Everyone froze.

Then Sirius looked at him and said “I promise you, i’ll make sure, you’re gonna outlive all of us, Moony.”

He kept his promise.

Where all the poets go to die || 𝖂𝖔𝖑𝖋𝖘𝖙𝖆𝖗

Summary: Remus and Sirius write each other letters, while he’s in Azkaban.

Warnings: none

A/N: This is a fanfiction, which will be multiple chapters long. You might want to follow me for updates. I would also greatly appreciate some feedback or your thoughts on my writing in general.

❉───────•~❉•᯽•❉~•───────❉

(𝕮𝖍𝖆𝖕𝖙𝖊𝖗 𝟏)

Remus never felt so completely and utterly lost in his whole life before. He didn’t intend to tell anyone about the part, that’s tearing him apart and yet he’s sitting on the soft cushion of a chair, that belongs to no one other than the Weasleys. Like now, in quiet moments of reflection, he feels tears spring into the corner of his eyes and he quickly wipes away the ones, that have unknowingly begun to fall down his face. The room is silent, except for a kettle, which is quietly cooking on the kitchen stove. Through the open window, he can smell the cold autumn wind. It drifts over his head and when he closes his eyes, he comes up. Again and again, he comes to him and the once loved memories, the ones he now so despises, come crashing over him and ripple throughout his body.

"I never felt about anyone, the way i feel about you," Sirius says, thumb caressing Remus' cheek as they lie on the bed in their shared apartment. He’s tucked into Sirius' lap, resting his head against his chest how he did on that fateful day. "Nothing in the universe will ever tear us apart."

How wrong Sirius had been, Remus thinks. Swallowing, his eyes close tightly and he tries to find a way to drown his thoughts out. Sirius is gone and all he left him with is his crumpled heart. How could he join Voldemort’s side and betray both James and Lily? It feels as if he’s always on the verge of waking up from a bad dream and sometimes, when it all becomes unbearable, he thinks about giving up. Falling apart at the seams, knowing he’ll never be who he once was, but there’s a whole other side that he’s desperately holding on to. The part he fell in love with. The side of him that created a ‘happily ever after’ in his head. But then the realization hits. The realization, that it’s all been an act. He loves and was never loved back and the hardest part of this process is trying to reconcile the two seemingly polarised sides.

Before he was alone. Distracted by his own thoughts and emotions, but now, two figures stand by, observing quietly from the shadows. Molly Weasley gazes down upon him with concern and quiet understanding. The wonder of what to say lives in her mind. She startles slightly, as the teakettle begins to whistle and a few seconds later, the face of her husband comes into sight. Remus seems slowly return to reality, as Arthur Weasley kneels down with a cup of freshly brewed tea and eyes him worryingly.

“Remus -”

The silence lingers, the voice numbing his senses. He glances around before reaching for the cup.

“Thank you.. Arthur,” Remus whispers.

The tea soothingly warms him from the inside and it’s almost too much. He has gotten so used to the newfound cold within.

“Are you alright? Is there something you need?” The concern drips in Molly’s voice and Remus frowns. His wounded self screams at the back of his head. They don’t understand. He’s been hurt in ways, he never excepted to be hurt and there’s no way out.

“I’m fine,” he mutters instead. A sad smile curving his lips.

Molly just continues to look him concerningly due to her well known nurturing and caring nature. She and Arthur give each other a silent look and a nod before she leaves and Arthur takes seat in the chair opposite from Remus.

“You have to make something out of all these feelings within you,” Arthur speaks up. His voice is silent and raw and the fact that he sees him in such a vulnerable state, makes Remus' heart swell.

“Have you thought about writing him a letter?”

Remus takes a while to answer, too taken aback by his suggestion. A letter? How could he factor all his anger and frustration into just a mere letter? Besides, Sirius doesn’t care. He never cared. He took everyone down with him and did it on purpose.

“Well... i don’t know how,” Remus finally says with a shake of his head.

He feels Arthur’s big and warm hand on his arm, grounding him. His dark blue eyes full of concern.

“Write to him.”

Remus eyes stay fixed on him, feeling that Arthur isn’t wiling to let this go. He notices a tightness throughout his body and he didn’t even realize, that he had been tensing up and holding his breath.

“He betray-” Remus stops mid sentence. His heart pounding in his chest and tears burning in his eyes. “You don’t think there’s a chance that he could be innocent, do you?”

Arthur clears his throat. “I refused to believed it at first, but witnesses saw him... twelve Muggles.. an extremely powerful explosive curse....”

To hear it out loud, makes Remus fall still, eyes slowly closing.

“You have to free some of the anger and hurt, that lingers inside you. I can see it’s killing you,” Arthur says in a soft voice.

Remus looks up and nods, knowing that it’s true. He knows that Arthur is right and that all the memories inside his heart could break him in half. Shatter him.

“If there’s a way, i’ll write him. I’m sorry for -”

“Don’t apologize. You have nothing to apologize for,” Arthur interrupts him, while he shifts slightly in his chair. “Prisoners are usually not permitted to correspond with the outside world, but i'll talk to Dumbledore. You can use Asora, our owl, as well. Don't hesitate to ask us anything.”

Remus heart almost burst with untold affection for this man. “Thank you. For everything,” he says.

The slight hint of a smile he receives in return, makes him forget everything for a mere few seconds and Remus knows to treasure it well. Sincere or forced, it mattered little — The gesture was appreciated all the same.

“Anytime.”

He feels his heart unclench. A few minutes of silence pass by, until Remus gently nods towards the door.

“I better be leaving. It’s been a long day.”

He gets up off the chair and before he heads out the door, he gives Arthur a quick hug.

"Say thank you to Molly for me."

"I'll. Just keep holding on, Remus. We’re waiting for you."

With a tiny hint of a smile on his lips, he slips through the doorway and lets the sweet cold air reach his lungs. Arriving at home, alone, he warms himself in front of the fireplace, where a bright and cozy fire burns. It’s been a long day and all he wants, is some peace and quiet, but Remus feels a restlessness he can’t shake. Nothing is bothering him. No sound, no smell, nothing. Everything is calm, except him. Slowly, his eyes drift to his writing desk. Though his body doesn’t want to move, keeping still seems an impossible task. Finally, he just gives up, sits down at his desk and pulls out a jar of ink and some paper.

~*~

To Sirius Black

November 12th 1981

It’s almost impossible to forget you.

Your absence and betrayal is the most painful thing i had to ever go through. Being so close and watching you disappear hurts the most. James and Lily are dead because of you. How could you, Sirius? I’ve been lied to by the person, who has always treated me with the most daring respect, who listened to my interests and even for a little while, made me feel and know love in a way that no one else ever has. How could i’ve been so blind? I can’t take it anymore. I wish to depart so far and free. Is it easier to stay? Is it easier to go?

Truth is, shatter my heart and soul, i never wish to see you again. Sometimes, i long to feel the same one more time, but it hurts. My soul is frozen and there’s no sun to warm it.

You weren’t just a star to me, you were my whole damn sky.

I love you, but i hate you so much. You’re nothing but a liar, making us think that the friendship and love we shared was real and then you turn your back on us and betray us in such a vile manner. Your sins will never be forgotten.

Everything reminds me of you. Your scent is a sweet felony. Sometimes i wonder, if i'll ever fall in love again. I wonder what it would look like. How would i act? Is it the same as the first time? Or more cautious? I’m curious. I have this feeling, that i want to feel it again, but i don't at the same time. I’ve been hurt so deeply and i wish you a lifetime of coming to terms with the pain you caused. I hope you can live with yourself, even though i wish you’re constantly reminded of what you’ve done.

Farewell, Sirius.

Remus

There's a sinking feeling in his chest as he finishes the letter. For a while, he remains emotionless in his seat, while he processes every syllable.

His own words bring him to tears and suddenly it all seems too blurred in the way that his heart sinks everytime he thinks of Sirius in their bed. Waiting for someone who will never be his, who will never come to him. He picks the letter, reads it a second time and his salty tears burn the little scar, that rests on his chin. He goes to bed on an empty stomach that night, crying until his pillows are soaked.

Wolfstar kisses are good for the soul

Do you pronounce it as “The real Slytherin hero who deserved better” or “Regulus Black”? ✨

'The Picture of Dorian Gray' by Oscar Wilde (published in 1890)